Joey's Final Letter to Sandy Claus (2018)

In addition to what I ask for in this letter, I could also use a less drafty winter hat.  I almost froze taking this photo.

Dear Sandy Claus,

It's me, Joey Beartran, with my annual letter to you about what I want for the holidays.  Alas, this will be my final letter to you.  It's not because I've found someone else to write to who has a better success rate at giving me what I ask for.  It's also not because of the rumor I heard that you've been sick and had to pass along the keys to your sleigh to Brodie the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  (Although my sources can confirm that this is not a rumor.  Get well soon, you jolly old elf.)

No, the real reason why this is my final letter to you is because I'm no longer a kid.  I'm 14 years old!  Plus, I saw my Studious Metsimus colleague actually putting the presents under the tree last year instead of you, so I put two and two together when I saw that.  Don't worry.  I didn't share that information with my younger siblings.

Despite knowing the truth, I'm still a believer in tradition, so I'm penning one more wish list for you.  If your red-nosed replacement wants to read it with you, please feel free to share it with him.

This time around, the items I ask for won't be as impossible to find as they were in previous years.  So I won't be asking for Travis d'Arnaud to play past the first week of the season or for Yoenis Céspedes to drink more water.  Likewise, I won't demand for 30 pitchers to put on a Mets uniform in 2019 just to surpass last season's total of 29.  I already know no amount of pitchers can hold a lead for Jacob deGrom anyway.

No, my desires are reasonable this year.  As reasonable as it is to expect that Noah Syndergaard won't be traded before Opening Day or that Wilmer Flores won't come back to deliver a walk-off hit against the Mets instead of for them.  So grab one of those blue and orange cookies from the World's Fare Market that hardly anyone ever goes to and hear me out.  It's the least you could do for making us put up with Jose Reyes being on the 25-man roster every single day last season.

I'm feeling melancholy knowing I won't see Wilmer Flores raise the apple anymore at Citi Field.

I'd like a promise that all our prospects won't be traded away to land reclamation projects and players who aren't sure things.  First, our top picks from the 2016 and 2018 drafts were dealt to Seattle for Robinson Canó and Edwin Díaz.  Then, rumors have been swirling that Brandon Nimmo and/or Michael Conforto (a.k.a. the Mets' 2011 and 2014 first round picks, respectively) could be shipped off to Miami for J.T. Realmuto.  It's a good thing Peter Alonso was a second round pick or else I'd be worried that he'd be on the trading block.  You can't have a good future if the future is playing somewhere else.

Speaking of Peter Alonso, I'd like to see him on the Mets' Opening Day roster in 2019.  Between his time at Double-A, Triple-A and the Arizona Fall League, Alonso appeared in 159 games, or just about the equivalent of one full major league season.  In those games, he collected 81 extra-base hits (38 doubles, one triple, 42 homers), crossed the plate 108 times and drove in 146 runs.  For the record, no Met has ever produced more than 80 extra-base hits or surpassed 124 RBI in a single season.  If the team wants to save money by not starting his countdown clock to free agency so soon, may I remind the powers-that-be that Alonso might make them a sleigh-load of money in the form of extra ticket sales, merchandising, etc.  Your red-nosed friend won't be needed to light up the sky once Alonso starts to do that with his monster shots.

I'd like you to make sure Zack Wheeler eats the same meals every day, sleeps on the same side of the bed every night and answers all of Steve Gelbs' questions the same way (okay, that last one won't be too hard).  What I'm trying to say is, whatever Wheeler did last year, make sure he doesn't change a thing, especially after finally having his breakout season seven years after the Mets acquired him and five years after making his big league debut.  It's funny that once the man he was traded for (Carlos Beltran) retired, Wheeler finally stayed healthy and became a productive player.  Maybe all we need is for Michael Fulmer to call it a career in Detroit so that Yoenis Céspedes can finally earn that nine-figure salary.

Pssst!  Mr. Met!  Can you run this letter over to Sandy Claus?  And please don't pull a hamstring doing it.

For the 2019 season, I'd like Jacob deGrom to finally get some run support.  That means the Killer Cs (Canó, Céspedes, Conforto) have to hit the way we expect them to.  The Mets went 14-18 in deGrom's starts in 2018.  In eighteen of his 32 starts, deGrom allowed no more than one run.  The Mets found a way to lose eight of those games.  In approximately two-thirds of deGrom's appearances (21 of his 32 starts), the Mets failed to score more than three runs.  Had the team averaged 4.3 runs per game like they did in games not started by deGrom, they would have gone 23-9 in his outings instead of 14-18.  Those nine extra wins would have given the Mets an 86-76 record in 2018 and, more importantly, would have given the team meaningful games in September.  But hey, maybe the team likes empty seats in September.  I know I'm okay with the food lines being shorter when the team isn't playing well.  But I'd be more okay if the hitters came through when deGrom was on the mound.  On a related note, I'd like some Metropolitan Club seats next year so that food can be delivered to me at my seat.

I'd like Mickey Callaway to stop making the occasional bonehead decision or four.  You could chalk up having players batting out of order, not having relievers warming up in the bullpen when they're needed and any other head-scratching moves to his inexperience as a team's skipper.  But he now has a year under his belt.  Those mistakes in judgment won't be so easy to forgive in 2019.  He's not Jerry Manuel, so he can't depend on being gangsta to talk his way out of those errors this year.

Do you remember when we all blamed Ray Ramirez for the team's injuries?  Well, Dr. Death wasn't employed by the Mets in 2018, but players still spent as much time at the Hospital For Special Surgery as they did in the clubhouse.  It's almost getting to the point where they should just rename various wings of the hospital after the Mets players who find themselves constantly walking through the halls.  That's assuming they're able to walk, of course.  Therefore, I'd like to request that the team do whatever it can to help its players stay on the field.  I'd rather buy tickets to see the players on the field, not in the hospital recovery room.  Plus, hospital food is not an adequate replacement for the fare at Citi Field.

Is it true that I get eight days and nights of presents if I light one of these up?

Well, that's it for my final letter to you, Sandy Claus.  To recap, I'd like the team to stop being allergic to keeping first round picks.  I'd also like to see Peter Alonso in April without having to buy a plane ticket to Las Vegas.  Please make sure Zack Wheeler's second verse is the same as the first.  (And don't let Steve Gelbs show him video of the "churro dog incident".  No need for Wheeler to change his eating habits now.)  Take Harry Caray's advice and "let's get some runs" whenever the ace takes the hill.  Tell Mickey Callaway to watch "Moonstruck", especially the scene where Cher slaps Nicolas Cage.  (He'll know what I mean.)  Also, schedule an exorcism to make sure the ghost of Ray Ramirez hasn't been hanging around Citi Field.

Do all that and my retirement as a letter writer to Sandy Claus will be as happy as the one I hope David Wright is having.  (Miss you, Captain.)  Oh, and make sure you don't allow anyone to wear Wright's No. 5.  Willie Mays' previously out-of-circulation No. 24 was already handed to Robinson Canó.  The last thing we want is for the number to go to a journeyman player who's played for four teams over the last seven seasons and can't outhit Mario Mendoza in his most recent campaign but still finds a way to appear in over 100 games in said season.  Ask Jose Reyes what I'm talking about if you don't know what I mean.

Thanks so much for reading my letter, Sandy Claus.  And you too, Brodie, for being such a nosy reindeer.  (I know you were reading it over Sandy's shoulder.)  I wish you both a happy holiday season and hope Sandy makes a full recovery.  After all, I might not be writing any more letters after this one but every once in a while I might need to sit on a jolly old elf's lap to ask for a few things.  Those moments never get old.

Love and Mex Burgers forever,
Joey Beartran

I'll never forget you, Sandy Claus.  I hope your lap is always available to me.  You know, just in case.

Joey's Small Bites: Crashing the MLB Food Fest

Never has a napkin been so honest in its message.  (Ed Leyro/Studious Metsimus)

What's cooking, everybody?  This is Studious Metsimus roving reporter and culinary expert Joey Beartran and I just finished putting the second half of my title to use as I attended this weekend's MLB Food Fest at Center 415 on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan.

What was the purpose of this sumptuous smorgasbord?  I'm glad you asked.  The food fest allowed fans to sample 30 unique food items from each of the 30 MLB teams, although you were only allowed two hours to do it and had to bump your way through several thousand people to get to the stand you wanted to go to.  For $25, you could try everything on the menu and have unlimited soft drinks and bottled water.  For an extra 15 bucks, you could add three adult beverages (beer and/or cider) as well.  Each item was billed as half the size of the actual ballpark concession and for the most part, they were.  But of course, the Marlins couldn't afford a calculator so their offering was more like a quarter of actual ballpark size.

Still, good times were had by all, especially by me, as I made sure to enter the building with an empty stomach so I could try as many foods as possible.  Knowing that I only had a two-hour window, I recruited my Studious Metsimus colleagues, Ed Leyro and Taryn Cooper, and faithful Studious Metsimus reader, Tracey Mapou, to help me get my paws on as many foods as possible.  And by helping me, I mean going around from stand to stand while I sat at one of the few empty tables we could find.

Before my friends and colleagues could get around to their race around the place for food to stuff my face, I must mention the hot dog room, which was an homage to the ballpark staple, the frankfurter.  The two eye-catchers in the exhibit were a giant hot dog seesaw and a pyramid of wieners, which my sister (and Mariners fan), Honey Bee Hawk was hoping was made of real frankfurters.

Dogs, dogs, dogs.  And one bear.  (Top photo by Tracey Mapou.  Bottom photo by EL/SM.)

As some of the lines were very long depending on the popularity of the product, we went to the shorter lines first before hitting up the longer ones.  As a result, I started my 120-minute feast with a sampling of the Mid-Atlantic offerings, namely Washington's Crab Grilled Cheese and Baltimore's Chesapeake Waffle Fries, which were paired with a crab dip.  The former was definitely the better of the two, and I'm not even a fan of seafood.  I'm more a fan of "see food", as in when I see food, I usually eat it.

Crab to the left of me, crab to the right.  Here I am, stuck in the middle with food.  (EL/SM)

One of the things I was most pleased about regarding the presentation of the food was the paper that adorned the small container that carried the items.  If you look at the photo above, you can see the Walgreens logo on the Nationals' offering and the Oriole bird on Baltimore's dish.  It made it so much easier to identify what you were eating, especially when you weren't the one going up to the stands to get the food and had to write a piece the next morning that involved photographs of said items.  To quote the legendary television character, Luke Duke, I was "much obliged."

After crabbing it up with Washington and Baltimore's fare, I moved on to the Pittsburgh Pirates' Pulled Pork Pierogie Hoagie, which was much easier to eat than it was to pronounce.  Now, I've been to PNC Park in Pittsburgh before and always made the Primanti Brothers sandwich my go-to meal during games.  But after having this hoagie, I think I may have to reconsider my ballpark food choice the next time I cross the Roberto Clemente Bridge for a game.  Even though it was only half the size of what you would get at the ballpark (this one was truly 50% of the full size offering, as my colleague saw the preparers make a full hoagie, then cut it in half before serving it), it was still a mouthful.  This wasn't just a bite-size snack; this was a decent-sized meal, and I would definitely want to eat this delicacy again, and maybe I did.  (More on that later.)

Pulled pork and a pierogie on a hoagie?  This was a winner, and not just for fans of alliteration and rhyming.  (EL/SM)

With the Mets playing in Atlanta as the food fest was going on, I decided I should try something from the home of our long-time division rivals.  The Braves' offering was the Pig Pickin', which according to the official food fest description was a "BBQ spiced tortilla shell stuffed with curly fries, macaroni and cheese, pulled pork, coleslaw and roasted corn pico de gallo with fried pork rinds on the side".  This offering proved one thing; that the Braves have not only killed the Mets for many years, they've also managed to kill Mets fans as well.  The Pig Pickin' sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen so I had to devour it quickly before it could do the same to me.

At least the Pig Pickin' wasn't full-sized.  I'd like to be around to see the Mets win another pennant.  (EL/SM)

Next up is a Texas Two-Step, also known as Houston's Chicken Waffle Cone and Texas' Chicken and Donut Slider.  These two were deeeeeelicious.  Obviously, since I am a fan of breaded chicken, I knew I was going to like these before I sampled them.  But just putting fried chicken on a "bun" made of glazed donuts and popcorn chicken as a topping in a waffle cone filled with mashed potatoes (with honey mustard "sprinkles") was enough to make me want to put on a cowboy hat and fly down to Texas to have these delicacies in their full size, the way nature intended them to be.

Taste the fried chicken flavor!  (And donuts.  And mashed potatoes.  And honey mustard.) (EL/SM)

A few things that were okay were from St. Louis (bacon-wrapped Nathan's hot dog), Minnesota (Kurd Marczuk, which was breaded cheese curds and bratwurst topped with brown gravy), San Francisco (Crazy Crab Sandwich) and Detroit (chicken shawarma nachos).  The Cardinals' offering was originally billed as a genoa salami dish, but was changed to something you can get at many ballparks.  I wasn't overly impressed.  The Twins' offering was messy with all the gravy, but if you can get past that, it was edible.  After having the Nationals' and Orioles' crab meat, it was just crab overload when I tried what the Giants gave me.  And the Tigers' dish was actually better than I made it out to be in my intro to this paragraph.  The pita chips were crunchy and nacho-like, while the chicken was tasty without being gamey.  The hummus could've been better though.

From top to bottom, bacon-wrapped hot dog, Kurd Marczuk, Crazy Crab Sandwich and chicken shawarma nachos.  (EL/SM)

In the middle photo above, you may have noticed something above the Kurd Marczuk.  Eagle-eyed readers may also have spotted the Miami Marlins logo on the paper.  That's because:

a) My colleague simply forgot to take a separate photo of Miami's bacon-wrapped plantain, not knowing where I was going with this piece, or

b) A food offering that small in size would've been lost if it weren't combined with another item in the photo.

Last year, I traveled to Miami and had a full-sized bacon-wrapped plantain, so I was excited to have it again at the food fest, even if it was only going to be 50% of what I had at Marlins Park.  Um, unless the size of the food fest offering was calculated by using common core math, I don't think it was half the size of the original.  Take a look at what I got this weekend and compare it to the real deal from Miami.

I've heard of chicken fingers, but bacon-wrapped plantain fingers?  Did Derek Jeter have something to do with this?  (EL/SM)

Speaking of Derek Jeter, I did something I'm not too proud of.  I tried the food from Yankee Stadium.  I'm sorry, but it was adobo bao and I thought I'd like it.  For all you kids out there, this dish had chicken and pork rinds in a bao bun.  For all you other kids out there, bao is a Chinese dumpling.  Anyhow, here's a picture of it.  I don't need to describe how it tasted because I don't want to compliment anything that came from Yankee Stadium.  I'll just lump it in with the "it was okay" food items, even though it may have better than okay, but don't quote me on that.

Get that Yankee logo off my food wrapper!  (EL/SM)

Before I forget, there was one thing I wouldn't try, but my sister did.  Honey Bee Hawk, being the big Mariners fan that she is, wanted to try the fare from the Seattle stand.  And I can guarantee there's nothing like it at any of the other 29 ballparks in the majors.

The toasted grasshoppers were the only insects on the menu, but I didn't think they'd pair well with any of the other food items I wanted to try, so Bee stepped in for me.  In addition to Bee, two of my colleagues tried the lime-flavored grasshoppers and documented their experience in a video.

 Honey Bee Hawk photo by EL/SM.  YouTube video by 1986GetOverIt (that's our YouTube channel).

Unfortunately, due to the two-hour window we were given and even though I had several assistants, I only got to sample 14 items, which is not even half of what was offered.  Some long lines prevented us from trying items while the abundance of certain items (pulled pork was in six of the food choices) kept us from trying others.  Now there was one last thing that we couldn't pass up on no matter how long of a wait we had to endure.  And believe me, there was a wait for this one, as it was the only dessert item on the menu and the only one eaten live on television by Steve Gelbs.

I'm talking about the one and only Churro Dog.

Dessert of champions!  (EL/SM)

My homeboy Steve Gelbs was lucky enough to have the full-sized Churro Dog in Arizona.  I still haven't been to that ballpark so I had to settle for the smaller version, which I have called the Churro Pup.  The Churro Pup had frozen yogurt, chocolate sauce, caramel and whipped cream on top of a churro that was inside a chocolate iced donut.  Only three words could rightfully describe this delectable concoction.

Best.  Dessert.  Ever.

I can see why Steve Gelbs had to sample this one on live television.  It was too good not to share with the viewing audience.  It also explained why there so many Mets fans on the line to get themselves a Churro Pup.

#GIFparty + #tbt = Churro Dog! pic.twitter.com/chlMT4ezlC

— Steve Gelbs (@SteveGelbs) March 3, 2016

So that's it from the first MLB Food Fest.  I had so much fun sampling the "best" food items from all 30 major league ballparks.  And why is "best" in quotes?  Because the Mets only offered pastrami when they have so many other delicious dishes they could have shared with the baseball foodie world.  What's up with that?  No wonder that line was so short compared to most of the others.

In summary, I can't wait to go to ballparks in Texas, Houston, Pittsburgh and Arizona.  And Bee can't wait to go back to Seattle to get her dead insect groove on.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed eating it.  And thanks again to Ed Leyro, Taryn Cooper and Tracey Mapou for their assistance in getting me my - ahem - research material.  Now if you don't mind, I'm going to have my lunch, which I may have smuggled out of the food fest.  Pulled pork pierogie hoagie, anyone?

Wish I had a Churro Pup to wash down my lunch.  (EL/SM)