Judge Hurls Sentence At Phillies' Vomiter

The Phillies Phan who intentionally vomited on an off-duty police officer and his daughters was sentenced yesterday for his vile act, and the sentence couldn't have been more appropriate.

21-year-old Matthew Clemmens will serve 30 to 90 days in prison for his crime. He will also be on probation for two years and must complete 50 hours of community service, which also includes cleaning the bathrooms at Citizens Bank Park.

In addition, he must pay Michael Vangelos (the off-duty cop) and his family $315, which covers the cost of the five tickets used by Vangelos for the game in which the incident occurred on April 14. Vangelos has said he will donate the money to the Easton (Pa.) Police Athletic League.

The man dubbed Pukemon by the media sobbed as he apologized for his retchiness, claiming that his parents did not raise him in that manner. (Perhaps they only raised him to boo Santa Claus and cheer when players like former Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin get injured at Eagles games.)

Judge Kevin Dougherty did not fall for Pukemon's wimpy apology. In his decision, he told Clemmens:

"Your apology, I believe, was feigned. I don't know if you were trying to hit a home run with your friends that day . . . but you struck out."

Pukemon leaves behind his parents, an 11-year old brother and this mug shot (see photo, right) for everyone to remember him by.

The Mets will be playing at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia next weekend (the Studious Metsimus/My Summer Family World Tour will be on location in Philly for the Sunday, August 8 game), where we will surely need to relieve ourselves at some point during the game.

If you see Matthew Clemmens (now appearing at a urinal near you), please be sure to "spew" your thoughts on his actions, but keep your true thoughts down. After all, you wouldn't want to give Mets fans a black eye, would you?

Beer, The Breakfast Of (National League) Champions

By now, I'm sure you've seen this video of a four-year old boy chugging a brewski during Sunday's Phillies game against the Padres at Citizens Bank Park. (Only the first nine seconds show the youth in the act of drinking the beer.)



Although no one has confirmed that the bottle actually contained the beverage of champions, how the phudge did this kid's parents allow him to get anywhere near an open beer bottle?

Then again, we are talking about Phillies Phans. It should come as no surprise that the same fan base that produced the projectile vomiter who victimized a cop's kid (no word on whether the cop's kid was drinking at the time) and the fan who needed to be tasered when he ran onto the field during a game (see photo below) would also have a future AA member make his drinking debut at a Phillies game.


Due to an assortment of injuries, the Phillies have had to call up a number of their minor leaguers this year. However, after seeing the young boy enjoy his liquid Happy Meal, perhaps the Phillies will have to specify whether AA refers to where their minor leaguers come from or where their minor age fans are going.

Stay crassy, Philadelphia. Stay crassy.