When Disaster Strikes, Who Can The Mets Call?

As any regular Studious Metsimus reader would know (I'm talking to all 2½ of you), the end of the world might be at hand. Do you see the locusts? That would be the early warning that the Yankees and the Phillies might be playing each other in this year's Fall Crassic. And yes, if they do play each other, I will refer to it as the Fall Crassic instead of the Fall Classic.

As Mets fans, we must do whatever we can to prevent the onslaught on Yankee bandwagoners and Phillie phans from ridiculing us for bleeding blue and orange (and sometimes black).

I've looked online for any possible solution to the potential disaster that awaits us. I'm sorry to say that I was misled by my supposedly trustworthy colleague when he suggested that I should check out www.preventdisastersfromhappening.com for more information. I found six possible options that might help us. Which one do you think is best?


Shaman

I understand that Native American Shamans might be of assistance, but they're mostly known for communicating with the spirit world. However, if they can bring back former Phillie World Series hero Mitch Williams from the dead, then we might be on to something. Williams can hit every Yankee with a pitch, thereby injuring every Yankee but giving them runs due to so many hit batters on base. This would cause MLB to declare a double forfeit. The Phillies can't win because they were losing and the Yankees can't win because they can't put nine healthy bodies on the field. That would actually work if anyone could understand my attempt at logic and if Mitch Williams was actually dead.

FEMA

Leave it to the Wilpons to hire FEMA to prevent the unnatural disaster of the Yankees playing the Phillies in the Fall Crassic. If they are able to hire them, then I guess this World Series is going to happen after all. FEMA wouldn't even get there until the Winter Meetings started in December. At least maybe then, they could prevent Omar Minaya from overpaying some schlub to play for the Mets. (Remember the Ollie-mo!)

Undercover Brother

He might be one bad mother [shut yo mouth], but before he would get the job done, a sexy lady would inevitably come between U.B. and the mission to prevent the Yankees and Phillies from meeting until next year's Grapefruit League games. We'll leave him for the smaller jobs. This job requires someone who can devote 100% of his attention to the task at hand, not 100% attention to who he's got on each hand. By the way, that's a nice picture, Mr. Brother...

Kenny Rogers

Seriously? Kenny Rogers? The man who broke the hearts of Mets fans everywhere when he walked Braves Nation into the 1999 World Series? He's the one you'd expect to bring Molotov cocktails to a pyromaniacs convention, not the one you'd call upon for your one-man disaster relief squad. I mean, come on, people! The photo to the left is his MUG SHOT! He can't even prevent his own disasters!

Kenny Rogers

Okay, now we're just getting silly here. This is supposed to be serious. This Kenny Rogers obviously did a little too much gambling and couldn't prevent disaster from happening to his own face. He didn't know when to hold 'em and his plastic surgeon surely didn't know when to STOP folding him. That being said, perhaps Kenny could recommend some doctors to the Phillies and Yankees. Now that I think about it, this might not be so silly after all.

Kenny

Oh, my God! Kenny killed the World Series! How brilliant would that be? South Park's most famous murder victim would be absolutely PERFECT for the Mets to call upon to stop the Yankees-Phillies Fall Crassic from happening. Just being in Kenny's presence might cause a few players to keel over. No players, no Fall Crassic, which is exactly what happened when the World Series was cancelled in 1994. Also, South Park is located in Colorado. What Colorado native wouldn't want to do harm to the Phillies after the Rockies were ousted by them in the NLDS?


There you have it, SMFs! It appears as if Kenny from South Park will be doing his best to prevent a Yankees-Phillies World Series from taking place. Good luck, Kenny. Just one little thing before you go on your mission.

PLEASE DON'T DIE BEFORE THE END OF THE ALCS AND NLCS!

If you do die, we might have to hire one of the Kenny Rogerseseses and then there would certainly be no joy in Mets-ville. Godspeed, little buddy!