What Would Keith Say To Sergio Romo And Brian Wilson?

By now you've seen the Bosom Beardies from the San Francisco Giants. I'm talking about Giants' relievers Sergio Romo and Brian Wilson, both of whom are sporting a facial forest. If not, perhaps the photos below will help.

Sergio Romo is the pitcher who is not in the Witness Protection Program, or is that Brian Wilson?

The hirsute heroes from the Bay Area formed a solid one-two punch in the Giants' bullpen this season, combining for 136.2 innings, striking out 163 batters and giving up only 108 hits. However, they became even more unhittable in the NLCS, where together they pitched 7.1 scoreless innings, allowing only four hits and striking out ten Phillies.

How did they manage to dominate the league this season? Perhaps Keith Hernandez would like to offer his opinion. Keith?

Thanks so much for inviting me to guest-write on your blog, although I have no idea who you are and why you would want my opinion. I'll make this brief so I can beat the traffic home.

I think the reason Sergio Romo and Brian Wilson have pitched so well is because they're hiding something in their beards.

Romo had never pitched more than 34 innings in a season before this year. Then all of a sudden he grows a beard and pitches in 68 games for the Giants. That's not a coincidence. I think Romo is hiding an emery board or petroleum jelly in his beard. Since the umpires are afraid to check it for fear that they won't be able to find their way out of it, Romo has been getting away with it.

Similarly, I recently read that Wilson, despite his affiliation with the Beach Boys, is not from the state of California. In fact, he was born and raised in Londonderry, New Hampshire. What's New Hampshire most known for? That's right, kids. Being next to Vermont. That means Wilson had a ton of maple syrup at his disposal. It would be quite easy to hide some of that maple syrup within his massive beard. The spitball might be illegal in baseball, but there's nothing in the rule book that prevents pitchers from throwing a syrupball.

I'm not saying that Romo and Wilson are cheating, but when two relief pitchers on a team start growing their beards out, then tell all the members of the media that it's because they're starting a ZZ Top cover band that will tour during the off-season, let's just say that I'm willing to bet a box of Tootsie Pops that something fishy is going on there.

If Romo and Wilson really wanted to get the media to believe them, they should have just dropped my name. In five easy minutes, they could have just told them that they were the new spokesmen for Just For Men and everything would have been kosher.

After all, Emmitt Smith couldn't continue to shoot more Just For Men commercials with Walt Frazier and yours truly because he's far too busy right now. (Like winning on Dancing With The Stars and being elected into the Pro Football Hall of Fame is more important than appearing with me in a commercial.)

We wouldn't even have had to shoot any new commercials. The producers could have just digitally removed Emmitt Smith from his scenes and inserted Romo and Wilson. Of course, we'd also have to change any football reference to a baseball reference and I'd have to re-do my line and say "your beards are weird", but that wouldn't have taken very long to memorize.



It's so sad. Romo and Wilson have done so well this season. I hope the news of their beard-assisted cheating doesn't ruin their careers. If only they had asked Jeff Francoeur how he got away with growing a beard without any speculation of wrongdoing, perhaps I wouldn't have blown them out of the water like I just did.

That's all for now. Hope everyone can still enjoy the World Series, despite the Romo/Wilson follicle follies. It's time for me to go back to my six-month vacation. Why do I get six months off as opposed to other people? The answer is simple, really. After all, I'm Keith Hernandez.

Get Ready For The Mets Broadcast About Nothing

Did you hear the one about the comedian and the former first baseman who called a baseball game for the New York Mets? No? Well, come Wednesday night, you will.

According to today's New York Post, legendary comedian and lifelong Mets fan Jerry Seinfeld will join Keith Hernandez and Gary Cohen in the broadcast booth for at least three innings (and maybe more).

SNY's vice president of production, Curt Gowdy said the following regarding Seinfeld's appearance on the telecast:

"Jerry is scheduled for the top of the third inning, for at least three innings, and more if he wants to do more . . . There's no set script."

In addition, SNY also plans to air clips from the classic Seinfeld episode, "The Boyfriend", in which Keith Hernandez played himself in a prominent role. Keith and Jerry will also be discussing their experiences working together on the episode.

As a Seinfeld fan, I was ecstatic to hear about the "reunion" of Jerry Seinfeld and Keith Hernandez and wondered what it would be like to have other Seinfeld cast members appearing on Mets telecasts. Then I thought of all the potential disasters that could cause (especially with the hipster doofus himself, Kramer) and instead came up with a Top Ten list of why Jerry Seinfeld should be the only cast member to appear in the broadcast booth. Enjoy!


TOP TEN REASONS WHY NO OTHER SEINFELD CAST MEMBER SHOULD EVER DO PLAY-BY-PLAY FOR THE METS

10. When the camera pans into the booth, there is a chance it could catch Elaine dancing.

9. Newman would run off with Keith Hernandez's Tootsie Pops.

8. Upon entering the booth, Kramer would trip and take down the entire set.

7. George would mistakenly refer to the Mets as the Moops.

6. Fear that a bad call by an umpire would elicit a "No Soup For You" comment from the booth.

5. Kramer and Newman would spend the telecast plotting their revenge against Roger McDowell for his magic loogie. (Well, Newman would...)

4. Frank Costanza would repeatedly interrupt Gary Cohen to extol the virtues of Festivus.

3. Elaine would spend too much air time trying to determine if David Wright is spongeworthy.

2. No backup plan for when Newman spends three innings standing in line at Shake Shack instead of doing play-by-play.

...and the number one reason why no other Seinfeld cast member should ever do play-by-play for the Mets is:

1. Too much discussion on whether Keith Hernandez was ever master of his domain.


Be sure to tune in on Wednesday night to see the Mets play the Detroit Tigers at Citi Field. Of course, you were probably going to tune in anyway to see our beloved Mets as they continue to make a push towards the top of the National League East standings. But now you have another reason to watch.

Jerry Seinfeld and Keith Hernandez made a great team back in the '90s on a classic episode of Seinfeld. Now they'll be together again when they share the spotlight with Gary Cohen during Wednesday night's telecast. It should be a true SNY Mets classic...not that there's anything wrong with that.