Breaking News: Billy Wagner Claimed Off Waivers By...

This is Joey Beartran with a special report that I'm breaking right now on ZCB. This is probably because I'm the only reporter here tonight. Where is everybody?

Anyway, there have been numerous reports circulating throughout the blogosphere about Billy Wagner being claimed off waivers by several teams.

From foxsports.com, Ken Rosenthal has reported that the Boston Red Sox have claimed Wagner. Mark Miller of Yahoo Sports says that the two Florida teams (Marlins and Rays) have an interest in Wagner as well.

I, however, know where Billy Wagner is going. He wants to be a closer again. Although the Marlins and Rays could use a steady closer, they would have to pick up the remaining $2.7 million of his contract. Neither team spends freely, although the Rays might dip into the piggy bank if they have to.

The Red Sox already have a closer in Jonathan Papelbon. The Mets are already familiar with him from his blown save against them in May when he gave up the replay-aided Omir-acle. Readers of ZCB and the stars of the movie "Jackass" are familiar with Papelbon from his celebratory punches to his own crotch.


Surely, Wagner will not go to a team where he will just be another middle reliever. Plus, he has a no-trade clause in his contract. If he's going to waive it, this cub reporter believes it would be specifically to become a closer for another team.

Who is the mystery team that can guarantee a closer's job to the Sandman? Why, it's the ZCB company softball team!

We already have an All-Star in Cubby Leyro. His glove will allow Wagner to depend less on the strikeout. Fewer strikeouts equals fewer pitches equals less fatigue.

Our big slugger is Rick R. Mortis. Although he tends to break his bats quite often with his powerful swings (along with an occasional bone or three), when he makes contact, the ball flies off his bat. The thunderous sound produced when horsehide meets maple is enough to wake the dead.

If our team keeps the game close and Mortis comes up in a tie game in the bottom of the eighth inning, he'll make sure to give Wagner a save situation in the ninth inning.

Our manager is Billy Bear. He is loved by all his players, as he makes sure all of them get a fair amount of playing time. Wagner would be sure to get into as many games as he wants to for the ZCB team because Billy Bear will do whatever he can to keep his players happy.

Besides, how can any player not want to play for someone who looks like this?

Finally, a closer can only get games to save if his starting pitcher comes through and holds the opposition to few runs. We have a recently expired, I mean, retired pitcher who we just signed to a long-term deal. He's a proven winner and a blogger himself!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Curt Schilling. As you can see by the picture to the right, he possesses a devastating split-fingered pitch, shows a lot of heart (sometimes a little too much) and can always intimidate the opposing hitters by showing them his famous bloody sock.

Also, due to recent changes in Schilling's "lifestyle", he no longer requires four days of rest. He can pitch every day and can bridge the gap directly to Wagner. No middle reliever is needed whenever Schilling staggers onto the mound.

There you have it, my friends. The ZCB softball team has claimed
Billy Wagner off waivers. Now the Mets have until Tuesday to trade him to our team. It would behoove them to do it as soon as possible so that Billy can partake in Tuesday Taco Night after the game. Surely, if the promise of being our closer doesn't pique Wagner's interest, Tuesday Taco Night will seal the deal. After all, it's sponsored by Keith Hernandez's mustache...

On behalf of everyone at the ZCB Newsdesk, I'd like to welcome Billy Wagner to our company softball team! Now if we could only get our cassette player working properly so it could play "Enter Sandman" without the tape being eaten up inside the tape deck, things would be perfect!