Joey's Soapbox: An Interesting Tidbit About The Mets' New Co-Owner

So yesterday as I was sitting down to have some breakfast, I decided to check up on the latest Mets news by reading the morning paper. Sure enough, once I got to the sports pages, it was the same ol' Mets, different day. Someone got hurt (R.A. Dickey), the Wilpons need to raise money (maybe they should have Mr. Met take the discarded Pepsi bottles out of the Citi Field garbage receptacles and return them for the five-cent deposit), blah, blah, blah, second verse, same as the first.

That was it for the sports section. I figured, hey, this paper cost my colleague fifty cents; I might as well read the rest of it, right? So I turned to the opening page and started to read it from the front.

Let's see, Lindsay Lohan started to serve her sentence under house arrest (yawn), Sarah Palin has been giving hints that she might be running for President in 2012 (yawn squared). Sigh. The second verse truly was the same as the first.

Then I got to page five and all things changed. I came across a story called "He's The New Mr. Met" and it was about the Mets' new co-owner who ponied up $200 million for a share of the team, perhaps causing the Wilpons to scrap that five-cent bottle return plan I suggested in my opening paragraph.

In the article by Jeane MacIntosh (as shown in the photo to the right), David Einhorn was depicted as a youthful man who built his fortune on hedge-funds, managing assets worth nearly $8 billion. Although he spent most of his childhood growing up as Bud Selig's next-door neighbor in Milwaukee, he spent his formative years in New Jersey rooting for the Mets, even dressing up in a homemade Dave Kingman costume for Halloween in 1975.

Okay, so he grew up a Mets fan. That's great. So did I. But there was one paragraph in the article that really caught my attention. It was right after the paragraphs where I found myself nodding off reading about his college education and his work with mergers, acquisitions and other things a soon-to-be seven-year-old bear blogger would never understand or have any interest in.

I know some of you don't click on the links for fear that you might be Rick-Rolled, so instead of providing you with one (a link, not a Rick-Roll), here's a photo of the actual paragraph that got my attention.


That's right, Mets fans. Our new co-owner has teddy bears in his office! Imagine my joy when I learned that the Mets finally have a person in the front office who actually has some common sense.

On that note, I have only one thing to say to the Wilpons, and that is...

SELL THE ENTIRE TEAM TO DAVID EINHORN!!

It's clear that Einhorn knows what he's doing. First, he didn't dress up as a Brooklyn Dodger on Halloween; he dressed up as a Met. And it wasn't the obvious choice (Tom Seaver). No, he went as Sky King.

Second, he has money that isn't invested in Ponzi schemes (that we know of). That means Jose Reyes doesn't have to go. That means he also won't be afraid to cut guys who have no trade value and aren't doing what they're being paid to do. (I like you as a person, Jason Bay, but right now, I'd rather have Mike Hampton as our cleanup hitter than you.)

The year after Mike Hampton pitched the Mets into the 2000 World Series, he picked up 7 HR and 16 RBI in 79 at-bats for the Colorado Rockies. This year, Jason Bay has 2 HR and 8 RBI for the Mets in 107 at-bats. 'Nuff said.

Third, and most importantly, he has a fondness for teddy bears! With David Einhorn on board, perhaps we'll finally get those bear-friendly food stands I've been clamoring for, like Cake Shack and Citi Confectioneries.

As Mets fans, we have a right to be interested in how our team is run. After all, it is us who give the owners the money they need to pay the players who entertain us for 162 games a season. But if those owners don't give us what we're paying for, then why should we fatten their wallets?

It is clear to me that David Einhorn is the first step towards having an ownership that cares about its customers. Now it's time to take the next step. To Saul Katz, Fred Wilpon, Little Jeffy Wilpon and the rest of the Family Circus, I beg you to please sell the rest of the team to David Einhorn. You no longer have any business running this team. Let the new blood take over. If you're truly Mets fans first (and not merely using "Mets" as a synonym for Brooklyn Dodgers), then the best interest of the team should be your priority, and that best interest doesn't include your involvement in the day-to-day running of the franchise.

Instead of running the team the right way, the Wilpons have run the team into the ground. It's time to build the team back up to where it belongs and David Einhorn, Mets fan and teddy bear lover, is the man who should be doing it.

Is Rick Astley To Blame For The Mets' Failures?

Long-time readers of Studious Metsimus might know the staff has a thing against Rick Astley. Now we hate him even more ever since we found out that the Wilpons have a secret love for him.

Remember back in 2008 when the Mets asked their fans to select a song for the eighth inning sing-along? They were supposedly Rick-Rolled when five million write-in votes were cast for Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up".

That was no ordinary Rick-Roll. That was the Wilpons' doing, hiding behind the scenes, trying to get the fans to commit to Clay Aiken's biological father.

They tried again this year by asking Astley to change his look to appeal to fans of much hipper 80s favorites, INXS. The first live concert at Citi Field was not supposed to feature Sir Paul McCartney. It was supposed to be INXS, fronted by Rick Astley. He may have tried to look like the late lead singer of INXS, but Rick Astley was no Michael Hutchence!


After the latest Astley rejection, the Wilpons got fed up with the constant badmouthing about their British boytoy. They figured something had to be done and so they fired Tony Bernazard.

Meanwhile, back at Ebbets Central, Studious Metsimus found a way to get into the offices of the Wilpons, looking for anything that could explain why they have such an infatuation with Astley and his music. After almost knocking over their comic book collection full of old issues of Jimmy Olsen comics (hmmm....young redhead again. Interesting...), we hid behind their autographed Sandy Koufax life-sized bobblehead doll (sorry, no photos of the bobblehead were taken so that the flash wouldn't alert the Wilpons to our presence), and heard a familiar voice singing this song:

Never gonna give Rick up
Never gonna let him down
Even if the fans don't like how I insert you
Never gonna make him cry
Never gonna stop my tryin'
You'll have that Santana cap and his shirt, too.

Okay, now I was intrigued. Apparently, there was something deeper going on here. Was Rick Astley blackmailing the Mets for Johan Santana memorabilia? Wasn't Bernie Madoff enough? Now Rick Astley was trying to get money from the Wilpons, too?

As we were considering our next move, something unexpected and unfortunate happened.

Joey farted.

It tripped off the SBD alarms all over the Wilpons' offices and we scurried to find the nearest exit. We accidentally knocked over an urn that appeared to contain the ashes of a late Brooklyn Dodger, but darkness prevented us from investigating which player it was. Although we could hear footsteps behind us, we were faster.

Then we pulled the old Scooby Doo trick where we'd go down a hall with many doors, entering through one door and coming out another. Our pursuers tried to do the same thing but they ended up using the wrong doors, crashing into each other face-to-face while we made our escape. Jinkies! It actually worked!

So we made it into a lobby area that we were unfamiliar with, but we were no longer being chased. After reprimanding Joey for his flatulent moment, we decided to catch our breath and sat next to an older man who appeared to be waiting for someone.

We struck up a conversation and he told us his name was Rafael. We discussed many topics, like what would hit the ground first if dropped from a third-story window, a pound of feathers or a pound of rocks? After getting a few confusing looks from him, the conversation switched to something Studious Metsimus knew a little something about, the 1986 Mets!

Rafael spoke about that team as if he knew them personally. He recalled wonderful moments about that World Series and even said that he popped a little bubbly in celebration himself.

When he started talking about being upset that Omar Minaya had brought in so many Hispanic players to the Mets but never gave him a call to represent the team, that's when it all hit me.

I asked Rafael about Rick Astley and he said that he knew him. Astley was a big fan of Dominican shortstops from his heyday in the 80s such as Tony Fernandez and Alfredo Griffin and collected memorabilia from those players. He was here to present the Wilpons with his autographed cap and T-shirt in exchange for a position on the team.

Duh!

I was talking to Rafael Santana, shortstop for the 1986 World Champion Mets. He was the Santana that was being sung about off-key, not Johan Santana.

Soon afterwards, we heard a voice say "Mr. Santana, the Wilpons will see you now" and we snuck in behind Rafael, unbeknownst to the attractive young receptionist dressed in Dodger Blue.

When Mutt (Fred) and Jeff (Jeff) introduced themselves to Rafael, I noticed the bruises on their faces from their collision during the Scooby Doo chase and I knew I had them!

I sprung out from behind the plastic plant and screamed out "I know what you're up to!", producing stares of bewilderment from Mutt and Jeff.

I told them that I knew about their secret love of Rick Astley. Because of that love, they gave Rafael Santana false hopes for a position within the team when all they wanted from him was a signed cap and T-shirt to present to Astley. They never gave a dang about Santana and were just using him to add more fuel to their unusual love affair with the "never-was" crooner.

When they finally admitted their not-so-secret love for Astley, I encouraged Santana to pursue legal action against the Wilpons for discrimination, but he respectfully declined, saying that the Wilpons had suffered enough this year. As we left Citi Field, we couldn't help but overhear Mutt say to Jeff under his breath,

"We would have gotten away with it if it weren't for that meddling kid and that farting bear."

The case was solved. The Wilpons not only had a love of the Brooklyn Dodgers, but they also had a secret bromance going on with Rick Astley. Astley wanted to become relevant again and the Wilpons were planning on using any means possible to put him back in the national spotlight, even if it meant using former Mets players from championship teams.

Because of all the time and effort put into the seduction of Rick Astley, the Wilpons did not try to help the team in 2009. That will change now that their secret is out. Expect the Mets to improve in 2010 now that the Wilpons will be able to focus more on the betterment of the franchise.

There will be no more Rick-Rolling here, thanks to the work of the Studious Metsimus staff, the bowels of Joey and the incessant cartoon watching we did as children. Everything is safe in Mets-ville and if you click here, you'll see the exclusive Studious Metsimus apology by the Wilpons.