Beltran vs. Kobayashi: Wiener War III - For All The Mustard

Two years ago, Carlos Beltran took down Takeru Kobayashi in their initial hot dog eating contest by pulling the hidden bun trick on the legendary competitive eater. Last year, Kobayashi vowed to have his revenge on Beltran. However, Beltran was prepared for Kobayashi's chicanery, which involved using the Phillie Phanatic to shoot hot dogs at him at a high speed. Kobayashi then chose to blame a contract dispute for his failure to appear at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, when in reality, he was just embarrassed that Beltran had found a way to thwart his plans.

This year, the sauerkraut-stained gloves are coming off. This one's for all the mustard. In the most eagerly-anticipated finale to a trilogy since Major League: Back To The Minors, it's time for Wiener War III between Carlos Beltran and Takeru Kobayashi!

Let's get ready to mumble! (Especially if they talk with their mouths full.)

Before we continue, let's fill you in on what the competitors have been up to since last year's Wiener War.

Carlos Beltran has once again become a threat in the middle of the Mets' lineup, leading the team in home runs and RBI. With a diet rich in hot dogs, Beltran is 100% healthy and will get the opportunity to show off his skills in this summer's All-Star Game.

Takeru Kobayashi has not been as fortunate as Carlos Beltran over the past 12 months. When he found out that Sandy Alderson was retooling the bullpen, Kobayashi decided to try out for a middle relief job with the Mets. However, during spring training, the former wiener winner was released before he threw his first pitch. His release was not due to the fact that he couldn't actually pitch, but because fellow relievers complained that their sunflower seeds were constantly missing. Kobayashi was then given a job as a hot dog vendor at Citi Field, but was relieved of his duties on Opening Day for undisclosed reasons.

Both athletes have seen their share of highs and lows during their respective careers, with Beltran currently living the high life and Kobayashi trying to eat hot dogs via satellite. But this year it will be different. Kobayashi will not be allowed anywhere near the stage, thereby allowing Beltran to compete without the possibility of a potential distraction. Instead, Joey Chestnut (see photo, right) will be wolfing down the wieners in Kobayashi's seat.

It's time to begin the Wiener War! Let's go down to Studious Metsimus roving reporter/culinary expert Joey Beartran for the play-by-play.

Joey? Um, Joey, are you there?

Okay, we seem to have a change in plans, as Joey doesn't seem to have his headset on. Wait a minute. What's this? Oh, no.

Apparently, Joey Chestnut has been arguing with the celebrity judges over something. While he was arguing, our own Joey Beartran jumped into Chestnut's seat and is apparently about to compete against Carlos Beltran.

A dozen hot dogs? That's just an appetizer for Joey Beartran.

Well, while you were busy looking at the photo above, we learned that Joey Chestnut had a slight problem with his entrance application. It appeared that his last name had been altered from Chestnut to Beartran, allowing our roving reporter/culinary expert to add competitive eater to his job description.

Chestnut was enraged by this and argued vehemently with the panel of judges, with one judge disagreeing with him, one judge willing to allow him to participate and the celebrity judge too busy to notice. Then again, due to budget constraints, the organizers of the contest also hired the celebrity judge to be the event's official photographer and to handle the official Twitter play-by-play.

That might have been their mistake, as they hired former U.S. Representative from New York, the appropriately-named Anthony Weiner, to be the celebrity judge/photographer/head Tweeter. Apparently, background checks were not included in the event's budget as well.

Celebrity judge Anthony Weiner got a little emotional after his involvement in the Chestnut/Beartran name-switch snafu.

While all this was happening, the contest had already begun, with both Beltran and Beartran chomping away on dozens and dozens of frankfurters. Takeru Kobayashi was doing the same via satellite, hoping to take down the Mets player and the Mets bear. A few minutes later, this reporter was given a tip to watch closely on the monitor broadcasting the feed from the Kobayashi Kamp.

The feed being shown was running on a continuous loop.

Of course, the two non-celebrity judges were arguing amongst themselves over the two Joeys and the celebrity judge was busy apologizing for not being a responsible photographer/Tweeter for the event, so no one else seemed to notice that Kobayashi was not actually eating his hot dogs on live TV.

So where was he? What was he doing? And why would he ever stop eating hot dogs for any reason?

It was at that moment that everything stopped. Carlos Beltran stopped eating. The judges stopped bickering. Even Joey Beartran took a break to burp. What had made this event come to a complete standstill?

Apparently, Carlos Beltran had just been traded.

Even Carlos Beltran appeared to be disgusted that he was traded away at a most inopportune time.

A hush came over the crowd, especially from the Mets fans in attendance. It had been expected that Beltran would be traded to another team at some point this season. But did it have to come during the final Wiener War? And to make matters worse, was he traded to a contending team? Was he going to the American League to be a DH? No, my friends. It was far worse than that.

He was traded to the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks of the Japanese Pacific League.

Of course, this reporter knew something was wrong with the trade immediately after it was announced. Granted, Beltran was traded to a contender, as was widely expected. (Fukuoka was tied for first place with the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters with identical 38-20 records as of last night.) But the Hawks already have three outstanding outfielders in Nobuhiko Matsunaka, Seiichi Uchikawa and Hitoshi Tamura. In fact, centerfielder Uchikawa is currently leading the Pacific League with a .363 batting average. Surely, Beltran was not going to displace him in the outfield.

Not only that, it was never announced who he was being traded for. It was just said that Beltran was traded for a player to be named later, which would have been the first trade in Japanese baseball history for the dreaded PTBNL.

So let's put all the facts together. Beltran is traded to a Japanese baseball team during the hot dog eating contest. Kobayashi (who just happens to be Japanese) is nowhere to be found, with his live satellite feed running on a continuous loop. The team he is traded to has "SoftBank" in its name. Who needs the Scooby Gang when unraveling this mystery was so easy?

Takeru Kobayashi had sabotaged the contest. AGAIN!

Takeru Kobayashi would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling Studious Metsimus kids!

So this is how it all went down. Takeru Kobayashi was on Twitter one night, going through numerous tweets, trying to find out tips on how to finally defeat his nemesis, Carlos Beltran. He came across a particular hashtag that was being repeated as if on a loop. That hashtag was #beltranissoft.

At the same time, Kobayashi noticed the Twitter chatter on the possibilities of Beltran being moved at the trade deadline. So he came up with the plan to have Beltran traded as far away as possible so that he would never win another hot dog challenge again. And since apparently, Beltran was soft, he should be traded to a team where being soft is not only acceptable, it's part of the team name, hence the trade to the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks. The #beltranissoft hashtag being repeated ad nauseum also gave Kobayashi the idea to put his satellite transmission on a continuous loop so that no one would notice the machinations going on behind the mustard curtain.

But how exactly did we find out about Kobayashi's evil plans for world hot dog domination? It looks like our own competitive eater had something to do with it.

Let's hear it for Joey Beartran, whose keen eye (and full stomach) helped expose Kobayashi's plot.

You see, after that first dozen hot dogs, Joey Beartran came down with a bear-sized tummy ache. Apparently, no one had bothered to tell the culinary expert that having a pre-contest appetizer was not the best of plans for someone who was about to enter the Wiener War. By the time Joey had bowed out of the contest, the other Joey (Chestnut) had already decided it was too late to continue pleading his case to the judges in an effort to enter the contest. That left Carlos Beltran as the only competitor left standing, and the Wiener War winner, provided he didn't drop out of the competition.

As Joey Beartran walked away from the stage, he got bored so he decided to watch a little TV while he was waiting for Beltran to finish his last hot dog. Of course, he got frustrated when the TV he was watching kept "skipping". The TV he happened to be watching was the Kobayashi so-called "live" feed and the "skipping" was the repetition of the same hot dog being eaten over and over again. To the naked eye, it appeared as if Kobayashi was eating numerous hot dogs, but to a trained eater's eye such as Joey Beartran's, he noticed the tomfoolery immediately.

It was then that Joey came over to his colleague (yours truly) and reported what he had just witnessed. (Remember that "tip" I mentioned 17 paragraphs ago? That was Joey Beartran saving the day.) Needless to say, the two remaining judges (Anthony Weiner had been relieved of his duties due to excessive tweeting on topics not related to what he was hired for) declared Carlos Beltran the undisputed Wiener War champion of the world and the trade to the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks was rescinded, making Beltran one happy Mustard Belt recipient.

Carlos Beltran relishes the moment as he shows off the Mustard Belt he received for his victory in Wiener War III.

That concludes the final Wiener War between Carlos Beltran and Takeru Kobayashi. Let's give you a happy recap of today's events.

Carlos Beltran remained the undisputed hot dog eating champion of the world, although the term "undisputed" might not be entirely accurate, as disputes were rampant during this year's Wiener War.

Joey Beartran finally had to push food away from him, as his pre-contest appetizer denied him the opportunity to finish the competition. He also was not available for the post-war interview, claiming he had some papers to shred. (Speaking of which, we never did find out what happened to Joey Chestnut's application to enter the competition. Hmm. It makes you wonder...)

Joey Chestnut decided to drown his sorrow at not being allowed to participate in the event by having some Nathan's beer-battered onion rings. And some hot dogs. And some french fries. And some more onion rings. And a burger or two. Or ten.

Anthony Weiner. Who cares? He's just a d*ck in Wiener's clothing.

As for Takeru Kobayashi, as of last check, he was posting bail and working on getting a reality show with the Food Network. There was also a rumor started on Twitter that he was planning to go to Arizona for next week's All-Star Game, but Kobayashi rebuffed the rumor, claiming that he was not attending because fellow countryman Ichiro Suzuki failed to make the All-Star team for the first time in his 11-year major league career. We think his denial had something to do with the restraining order placed on him by Carlos Beltran, who will also be in Arizona as a member of the National League All-Star team.

Well, that does it for this year. We hope all of you have a wonderful Fourth of July, doing everything that makes you proud to be an American (even if it includes stuffing your face with hot dogs). Carlos Beltran is proud. Joey Beartran is proud (and full). And so am I. Have a great holiday, everyone!