Saturday, September 5, 2009

Beltran vs. Kobayashi: Wiener Takes All!

Carlos Beltran recently held a press conference thanking Cyclones fans for the love and support he received in Brooklyn during his rehab stint. To thank them, he announced a charity event where he would challenge World Champion Competitive Eater Takeru Kobayashi to a hot dog eating contest. Beltran was even photographed taunting Kobayashi at the official weigh-in (as seen in the Associated Press photo, above left).

Kobayashi accepted the challenge, feeling glad that he didn't have to go up against his main competition, Joey Chestnut.

The stage was set after the latest Cyclones game. However, there would be one change made to the contest, as per Omar Minaya. Kobayashi would be required to eat regular sized Nathan's Famous Franks while Don Carlos would be eating Nathan's Gummi Hot Dogs (see photo below).

The Kobayashi Kamp was furious at the development, but Minaya insisted on the change. He had been waiting for Beltran's return for nearly three months and was not going to let indigestion slow his return to the Mets. Plus, it was for charity. It was not going to be televised nationally on ESPN. Kobayashi was relieved when he was told that not even Studious Metsimus could get their cameras into the event. (He was lied to. We did. We're so evil like that.)

The contest began with Kobayashi scarfing down 10 hot dogs while Beltran was still having trouble opening the bag of gummi wieners. Frustrated at the unfortunate circumstances, Beltran was overheard saying:

"Why aren't these bags already open for me? Do they make Kamasutra boil his hot dogs himself before he eats them?"

Studious Metsimus apologizes to the readers for what might be considered an off-color remark by Carlos Beltran. We know that Takeru's last name is Kobayashi, not Kamasutra. However, we are dedicated to being a serious site and will not alter anyone's quotes, even for the sake of political correctness. We have our integrity to uphold.

After some tense moments, the bag was opened, but not before the judges ruled that it was not against the competition's rules to have outside help in the opening of the bag. Therefore, thanks to the assistance of his eating manager, fluffy comedian Gabriel Iglesias (see photo left), Beltran began eating his gummies, sometimes by the handful in order to catch up to Kobayashi.

With seconds to spare, Beltran decided to make his move. He tried the hidden bun trick on Kobayashi. This is where Beltran adds another bun to his competitor's plate in the hopes that he eats it without noticing that there is no hot dog inside of it.

Well, (hot)doggone it if it didn't work! At the end of the competition, Beltran had eaten 55 gummi wieners to tie the 55 hot dogs that Kobayashi consumed. It appeared that the competition would be declared a draw between the two participants.

However, the judges noticed that Kobayashi had eaten 55 buns, not 55 hot dogs. He had only eaten 54 hot dogs, one short of the total number of gummi wieners eaten by Beltran. This caused obvious disappointment in the Kobayashi Kamp (see photo above right).

Therefore, due to the unfortunate "miscalculation" on Kobayashi's part, Beltran was proclaimed the winner of the charity event. For his accomplishment, he was given the coveted Mustard Belt and a lifetime supply of Nathan's beer battered onion rings.

Carlos Beltran
has just about completed his rehab assignment in Brooklyn. If all goes well, he will make his return to the Mets next week during the series against the Florida Marlins at Citi Field. His Coney Island experience has included stops at Keyspan Park and Nathan's Famous Franks. All that's left is for him to ride the Cyclone and his visit will be complete.

However, I do have a word of advice to Don Carlos. Leave the Mustard Belt at home. You don't want to be knocked unconscious by it as you go up and down the famous wooden roller coaster. The Mets still haven't had a "disabled by bulky belt" transaction this year. We don't need you to be the first.

Special thanks to Efrain Rivera and Jason Bornstein for suggesting this topic. The readers can thank them for it, as does Studious Metsimus. Here's a Carlos Beltran bobblehead (sponsored by Nathan's of course) to thank you for your suggestions!

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