The Von Hayes Game Haunts Me to This Day

Forget Freddy Krueger.  This is the true man of my nightmares.  (MLB.com)

On June 11, 1985, the Mets took on the Philadelphia Phillies at Veterans Stadium.  New York entered the game with a 31-22 record, leaving them just three games behind the first place Chicago Cubs.  The Phillies, on the other hand, were already falling out of contention in the N.L. East with a 20-34 mark.  Only the Pittsburgh Pirates and Cleveland Indians had a worse record in the majors than the phloundering Phils at the time.

Starting for the Mets that night was Tom Gorman, who was making just his seventh start in the big leagues but was entering the game with a solid 2.52 ERA.  Philadelphia countered with Charles Hudson, who had lost each of his previous four starts, with the Phillies having scored a total of seven runs in those four contests.

Clearly, the Mets appeared to have an advantage coming in to the game.  Then Von Hayes happened.  And I haven’t recovered since.

Without going into too much detail for fear that I’ll suffer a post-traumatic Mets disorder breakdown, Gorman faced seven batters and retired one of them.  He couldn’t retire Von Hayes, who led off the game with a home run.  Gorman had already been replaced by Calvin Schiraldi by the time Hayes batted for a second time in the first frame, not like Hayes could tell the difference, as he launched a grand slam off Schiraldi.  An inning later, with Schiraldi still in the game, Hayes singled and scored a run.

After two innings, the Mets were losing, 16-0.  And then it got worse.

Schiraldi allowed ten runs before manager Davey Johnson ended his suffering.  The Mets then scored seven unanswered runs to make it 16-7, at which time Johnson summoned Joe Sambito from the bullpen to relieve Doug Sisk, who had pitched 2⅓ scoreless innings.  Clearly, Sambito decided he was going to pay homage to Schiraldi’s performance, as he gave up ten runs of his own.  Included in the carnage was a bases loaded walk to Von Hayes, who later came around to score his fourth run of the game on a groundout.

The final straw in what became a 26-7 loss came during the WHN radio post-game show when the turning point of the game was announced.  Was it Von Hayes’ leadoff homer or his grand slam?  How about Sambito giving up a ten-spot after the Mets had cut the deficit to a “manageable” nine runs?  Nope, it happened well before either of those events took place, as fellow Von Hayes Game sufferer Vince Vincenzo can attest.

I can tell you exactly what I was doing during this game - Jr year of HS studying for a Regents exam the next morning I’m listening on the radio. In the post game they announced the answer for the turning point of the game contest for the next morning - the national anthem!

— Vincent Vincenzo (@vvincenzo) June 11, 2020

Oh say, can you see how much this game affected me.

Things eventually got better for the Mets following their historic loss to the Phillies, a game that forever put Von Hayes’ name in the minds of Mets fans who obsess over every little thing about their team.  (And by “Mets fans who obsess over every little thing about their team”, I mean me.)

New York passed the first place Cubs in the standings and went on to win 98 games in 1985, just two victories shy of a franchise record.  Yes, they lost the division to the St. Louis Cardinals instead of the Cubs, but they proved that the 1984 campaign - a year in which they won 90 games and finished above .500 for the first time in eight years - was not a fluke.  They continued their climb in 1986, a season that culminated in the franchise’s second World Series championship.

Since winning it all just sixteen months and sixteen days after the Von Hayes Game took place, the Mets have reached the playoffs six times, including three division titles and two National League pennants.  One would think that success would erase the events of June 11, 1985 from my mind.  One would be wrong.

The truly Hayesian effort continues to haunt me to this day.  Every time the Mets fall behind by a significant number of runs early in a game, I find myself saying aloud, “Who’s going to be Von Hayes in this game?”  Whenever a Mets reliever comes into the game in a mop-up role, proceeds to get shelled and then is left on the mound to take one for the team, the Schiraldi and Sambito Wrecking Crew come to mind.

Even while watching a Mets game that ends up well for the good guys, the Von Hayes Game is inevitably brought up.

During the current pandemic, SNY has taken to showing classic Mets games from years past.  One contest that has been aired ad nauseam is Game Seven of the 1986 World Series.  As we all know, while Von Hayes and his Phillies’ teammates were watching this game at home, the Mets were putting together their second straight comeback win against the Red Sox.  With the score tied in the seventh inning, Boston manager John McNamara brought in Calvin Schiraldi to face Ray Knight, who had delivered a key single against Schiraldi in the miraculous tenth inning comeback just two nights before.  Knight followed up his bloop in Game Six with a blast in Game Seven, taking Schiraldi out of the park to give the Mets the lead.  But they weren’t done yet.

After Knight circled the bases, Schiraldi allowed a hit to Lenny Dykstra, uncorked a wild pitch on a pitchout to Rafael Santana, then gave up another hit to Santana.  After Roger McDowell moved Santana into scoring position with a sacrifice bunt, McNamara replaced Schiraldi with Joe Sambito, who continued to add gas to the fire.  Sambito issued two walks and allowed a sacrifice fly to Keith Hernandez, which scored the sixth run of the game, otherwise known as the run that was the difference in the 8-5 championship-clinching win by the Mets.

A normal fan would have just celebrated the rally by the Mets, praising their clutch hitters coming up big in key late-inning situations.  I guess I’m not a normal fan.  Because this is what I was doing while watching that seventh inning (even though I mistakenly referred to it as happening in the sixth; I blame Von Hayes for my error).

Friendly reminder that Calvin Schiraldi and Joe Sambito, who pitched in this pivotal sixth inning, combined to give up 20 runs in the Von Hayes Game just a year earlier as members of the Mets.#Mets #SNY #1986WorldSeries pic.twitter.com/fR69g6DW1D

— Ed Leyro (@Studi_Metsimus) May 25, 2020

We all have games that give us a kind of post-traumatic Mets disorder; games that are forever associated with the opposing player responsible for our pain.  Whenever someone mentions the Terry Pendleton Game, we know what they’re referring to.  The Mike Scioscia Game?  Don’t get me started.  Some people even can’t let go of the Jason Jennings Game (although I think those people remember it more for Donne Wall than for what Jennings did to the Mets).  Personally, I’m surprised that after his devastating performance against the Marlins to close out the 2007 season, Tom Glavine didn’t say, “I’m disappointed, but at least it wasn’t the Von Hayes Game.”

See what I mean about PTMD and not being able to let things go?

For me, I can’t seem to rid myself of the Von Hayes Game, which took place 35 years ago today.  It comes back to me during blowouts.  It comes back to me during World Series viewings.  It comes back to me when I flip the channel past VH-1 and think it stands for “Von Hayes Won”.  Heck, I can’t even see the Van Halen logo and not think of Von Hayes.

You can't unsee it, can you?

A third of a century after “The Von Hayes Game” became part of my vocabulary, the Mets defeated the Phillies at Citizens Bank Park, 24-4.  In that game, played on August 16, 2018, the Mets broke a 31-year franchise record for runs scored in a game.  They pounded out 25 hits, of which 11 went for extra bases.  It got so bad for the home team that they used two position players to pitch the final three innings.  The Mets knocked them around as well, crossing the plate nine times in those three frames.

I should have been ecstatic at the offensive outburst.  I should have been thrilled the Mets beat up on a division rival.  I should have celebrated a long standing franchise record being toppled.  Instead, I just said four words as the game came to its conclusion.

“TAKE THAT, VON HAYES!!”

I guess it just goes to say that in good times and in bad, the man and the game that put his name in my brain will always find a way to haunt me.  Anyone know the number of a good exorcist?

Call the Ghostbusters.  I'm being haunted by Von Hayes. (Scott Halleran/Getty Images)

Memorial Day and My Mets Fandom

Today is Memorial Day, a day in which we honor the men and women who served in the military and gave up their lives to protect the United States and its people.  Memorial Day is also special to me as a Mets fan, for it was on the day we observed the holiday in 1981 that I became a Mets fan.

On Monday, May 25, 1981, I was off from school.  I had been looking forward to Memorial Day for weeks because my father promised we'd have a barbecue in the backyard.  Something about having burgers while fending off mosquitoes always made eight-year-old me giddy with anticipation.  But unfortunately, that outdoor food and fly-swatting fest was not to be, as my father did not feel well and was bedridden all day.

Of course, as most children my age would do, I was more upset about not having burgers and potato salad that day than I was about the condition of my father.  Instead of counting down the hours and minutes to the unveiling of the grill, I spent all morning and early afternoon moping in the living room.  Eventually, I took advantage of the fact that my father was in bed, which left his favorite recliner that no one was allowed to sit on open for the taking.  So of course, I turned on the TV and plopped myself in his comfortable chair.  Since it was 1981 and we weren't a remote control household, I didn't feel like getting up to change the channel.  The last thing anyone had watched the night before was on WOR (Channel 9), so that's what I would make myself watch to take my mind off the postponed barbecue.

Channel 9 had always been the TV home of the New York Mets, but in 1980, fledgling cable network Sportschannel began to air Mets games as well.  Fortunately, the Memorial Day game in 1981 was scheduled to be broadcast on Channel 9 and the allure of the velour prevented me from getting off the recliner to change the channel.  So it was the Mets for me on that day.  And it's been the Mets for me ever since.

The Mets played the Philadelphia Phillies in the Memorial Day matinee and they showed no brotherly love for their division rivals, defeating them in a 13-3 laugher.  Although many players performed well for the Mets that day (Hubie Brooks, Lee Mazzilli and Joel Youngblood had three hits apiece, Dave Kingman hit a grand slam and starting pitcher Greg Harris earned his first major league victory), it was Mookie Wilson who captured my attention and made me thankful that we didn't possess a remote control.  Mookie reached base four times that day (two hits, two walks).  He also scored three runs and drove in two.  After leading off the game with a walk, Mookie proceeded to swipe second and scored the first of the Mets' four runs in that inning.  It was the first time I had been exposed to Mookie's baserunning abilities, and I was utterly amazed.  Six innings later, Mookie crushed a long drive to center off former Met Tug McGraw that went for a two-run triple.  His gazzelle-like speed mesmerized eight-year-old me to the point where I checked the TV guide - I had to get off the couch eventually - for when the next Mets game was going to be aired on WOR.

Embed from Getty Images

Less than three weeks after discovering Mookie and the Mets, baseball went on strike.  For two months, I couldn't indulge in my new passion - my New York Mets passion, that is.  Fortunately, my father recovered from his illness and we were able to have many barbecues to pass the time during baseball's two-month hiatus.  Baseball returned to my TV screen in August, and I quickly eschewed burgers and hot dogs on the grill for Mookie and the Mets in front of my grill.

Thirty-six Memorial Days later, I'm still a Mets fan and I will be attending today's game against the Milwaukee Brewers at Citi Field.  But just think of how everything had to fall into place for my Mets fandom to begin the way it did.

Had my father not been ill, I never would have watched the Mets that day.  It would have taken longer for me to develop an interest in baseball, especially since my father wasn't a sports fan and couldn't tell me the difference between an infield fly and an unzipped fly.

Also, if someone had left the TV on a channel other than Channel 9 the previous night, I might have become a daytime soap opera fan instead of a Mets fan and this blog post would be about the wedding of Luke and Laura and not the running of Mookie Wilson.

And last, but certainly not least, had the Yankees been playing a day game rather than a night game in Baltimore, I might be bragging about ringzzzz today.  Fortunately, the Yankees had no day game on the docket and even if they had, they were blown out by the Orioles on Memorial Day 1981 so I wouldn't have looked forward to their next game as much as I was for the Mets after their philleting of the Phillies.

My father is now 81 years old.  He has taught me many things about life and love.  On May 25, 1981, he probably wanted to teach me how to make a well-done burger.  But on a day when he was too sick to gave me any instruction, he inadvertently taught me how to be a Mets fan.  And my life would not have been the same had I not developed that love and passion for the team.  I met my wife because of the Mets and I've made many new friends due to our shared love of the orange and blue.

Memorial Day will always be special to me, thanks to my now-healthy father, a chair of incredible comfort and the fleet feet of Mookie Wilson.  I still need that lesson on how to make a perfect burger, but my father can teach me whenever the Mets aren't playing.

The grill master to the left, the former eight-year-old couch potato to the right.

25 Years Ago: Memories of My First Opening Day Game (And My First Date)

The Mets defeated the Philadelphia Phillies in their home opener today, 7-2.  It marked the 26th consecutive year I've attended the Mets' first home game of the season.  In fact, it was 25 years ago on this date that I attended my first home opener - a day in which the temperature reached a record high of 90 degrees, or about twice as many degrees as today's affair.

Speaking of dates, that game also marked the first time I went out on a date, because what better place to take your date than to Shea Stadium to see the rapidly declining post-Davey Johnson era Mets play?  So to mark the 25th anniversary of my first date and first home opener - a game in which the Mets were also playing gracious hosts to the Phillies - here is the happy recap of that game and date (plus some other interesting anecdotes).  Enjoy!

**************************

I love my wife.  And I met her at a Mets game.  True story.  She was a blogger, as was I, and we were both going to "Build-A-Bear Night" at Citi Field on August 1, 2009.  So we decided to meet up on the Promenade Level before the game.  Of course, we had our new bears in tow, and I had a few other bears with me.  We talked about bears and the Mets, then saw the game separately from our regular seats. 

Later that month, we went to our first game together.  Naturally, the bears were our chaperones.  We met up a few more times during the season's final month.  Then I asked her what she was doing during the off-season.  Notice I didn't say "during the winter", because to a Mets fan, there are only two seasons - baseball season and the off-season.  Well, that phrasing struck a chord with her.  Needless to say, what we did during the off-season was spend more time together and fall in love.  The following May, we got married, then waited two months to go on our honeymoon in San Francisco.  Why the wait?  Because the Mets weren't due to play the Giants on the road until July.  Yup, I gave her a diamond AFTER we got married.

I never said we were a conventional couple.

Almost 20 years before I met the love of my life, I went on my first-ever date.  The day was April 8, 1991, and my date's name was K.V.  (I'm using her initials in case she's reading this and doesn't want to be associated with a bear-carrying Mets fanatic.)  Most people go to the movies or dinner or a combination of the two on a first date.  Not me.  Where did I take K.V. on our date?  Like you need to ask...

It was Opening Day.  So we went to Shea Stadium.

The temperature that day was an unseasonably hot 90º.  At the time, it was the earliest date on the calendar that New York had ever registered a 90º reading.  We were both undergraduates at St. John's University, finishing up our sophomore years.  Her mother worked in the school library, so I had already gotten that first meeting with her out of the way.  We actually went to visit K.V.'s mother prior to leaving for Shea, at which time she told us to have a good time and stay out of the sun, if at all possible.

The Mets were fielding a brand-new team in 1991 as they embarked on what the team hoped would be its eighth consecutive winning season.  But this would also be the first time since 1983 that Davey Johnson wouldn't come out of the dugout during the Opening Day introductions, as Buddy Harrelson had taken over for the former skipper during the previous season.

K.V. confessed to me that it was her first baseball game as we proceeded to sit in our Upper Deck seats on the first base side.  I confessed to her that it was my first-ever date with anyone, to which she said "Awww, and you chose me.  I'm so honored."

As the game began, I noticed that four of the starting nine players on the Mets had not been with the team at the beginning of the previous campaign.  Charlie O'Brien was calling the game behind the plate, while former Cardinal nemeses Tommy Herr and Vince Coleman were the Mets' new second baseman and center fielder, respectively.  Right field used to be where Darryl Strawberry had his patch, but he had left for Los Angeles as a free agent.  In his stead was a player who was very special to long-time Mets fans, including myself, but had not worn a Mets uniform since 1984.  And this was how he was re-introduced.

"Playing right field, No. 7.  Welcome back, Huuuubie Brooooks."

I'd have bought one of these, but I chose to save the money for my date.

Hubie Brooks made a quick impression on me during his first stint in New York.  It was Brooks who hit the first home run I ever saw in person.  On June 15, 1983, I was at Shea Stadium with my Little League teammates when Brooks took future Hall of Famer Ferguson Jenkins deep in the fourth inning.  It was the only home run Brooks would ever hit off Jenkins in 18 career plate appearances, and one of only two hits he would muster off the pitching legend.

Eight years after I cheered Brooks as he touched home plate following his homer, I would cheer him again as he scored, although this time he touched the plate in a completely different way.

The Mets were leading the Phillies, 1-0, as the game headed into the bottom of the fourth.  Hubie Brooks led off the inning by roping a double to right field - his first hit as a Met in seven years.  Brooks then advanced to third on a fly ball by Howard Johnson.  Left fielder Kevin McReynolds failed to bring him home when he grounded out weakly to third base.  With two outs, Tommy Herr drew a walk to put runners on the corners.  That brought up Charlie O'Brien, whose .209 career batting average entering the game was six points lower than Mario Mendoza's .215 lifetime mark.

You read that right.  The namesake of the "Mendoza Line" was a better hitter than Charlie O'Brien.

Clearly, if the Mets were going to extend their lead, manager Buddy Harrelson was going to have to try something different.  So he did.  On an 0-1 pitch, Harrelson had Herr steal second.  When Phillies catcher Darren Daulton threw the ball to second in an attempt to nail Herr, Brooks darted for the plate, sliding home safely to give the Mets a 2-0 lead.

The unexpected play caused K.V. and I to simultaneously jump out of seats and embrace.  Yup, it was our first hug, and Hubie Brooks made it happen.  With the Mets now holding a two-run lead, we decided to get some refreshing ice cream to cool down on the sweltering day.  By the time we got to the concession stand, John Kruk had homered off Dwight Gooden to cut the Mets' lead back to a single run.

Needless to say, we went back to our seats and didn't leave our section again until the final out was recorded.

In the seventh inning, as we were singing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", K.V. accidentally bumped into my leg.  So I bumped her back.  We ended up doing what appeared to be a strange leg-bump dance for the duration of the song.  It was then that I realized that I could do something other than calculate players' batting averages in my head.  I could also flirt.  Score one for me.

Speaking of scoring, there were no more runs scored after Kruk's fifth-inning homer.  The Mets held on for a 2-1 victory, making my first date - and my first-ever Opening Day game - a complete success.

After the game, K.V. and I walked back to Main Street in Flushing, where we had two additional ice cream cones (mint chocolate chip for both of us), then we took the bus back to her house.  I was a gentleman, and didn't ask to go in, but she insisted.  I didn't spend much time inside, but when I left, I did get a kiss goodbye.

I scored more that day than the Phillies did.

K.V. and I continued to hang out during our remaining college years, but we never went to another Mets game.  We also didn't really date much more after that hot April afternoon.  Perhaps that's a good thing.  After all, had something happened between us, I might never have met my wife on "Build-A-Bear Night" nearly two decades later.

Hubie Brooks and I go way back.  He was responsible for the first home run I ever witnessed at a ballgame, and he was responsible for the first (and to this date, only) double steal I've ever had the privilege to see in person.  He may also have helped me get that special kiss at the end of my first date.

April 8, 1991 was most certainly a good day.
 

Why One Series Win Against the Nats Could Do Wonders For the Mets' Postseason Chances

With the Mets losing and the Nationals winning on Sunday, the two teams will head into their critical three-game showdown this afternoon with New York leading the division by four games.  The teams will also face each other at Citi Field for a three-game series in Games No. 160, 161 and 162.  That means both teams still have to play 20 games against other teams.

Mets fans know the story of being seven games up with 17 to play in 2007.  New York went on to go 5-12 in their final 17 affairs, while the Phillies finished strongly at 13-4 to claim the NL East by one game.  The Mets and Phillies played each other three times during the season's final 17 games, with Philadelphia taking all three games.  That means the Mets still lost nine of the other 14 games they played while the Phillies took 10 of 14 against their non-Metsian opponents.  (New York also lost four straight to the Phillies in late August, before "seven-games-up-with-seventeen-to-play" became a thing.)

The main reason the Mets failed to hold on to the division lead in 2007 was their pitching.  Mets pitchers allowed a whopping 115 runs in the team's final 17 games, allowing six or more runs in 11 of those contests.  The offense, which scored 98 runs in the 17 games (an average of 5.8 runs per game), couldn't overcome the shoddy pitching, as the Mets scored six or more runs ten times in the 17 games, but were only able to win half of those ten affairs.

In 2015, the Mets have far superior pitching to their counterparts from eight years ago.  The 2007 squad had Oliver Perez leading the team with a 3.56 ERA and Orlando Hernandez was the only starting pitcher with a WHIP under 1.27.  This year's Mets have three starters (Jacob deGrom, Matt Harvey, Noah Syndergaard) who have ERAs lower than Perez's team-leading mark in 2007, and only Jonathon Niese has a WHIP higher than the one posted by El Duque eight years ago.

In addition, the current Mets have Jeurys Familia (36 saves, 1.78 ERA, 0.97 WHIP) closing out games, while the 2007 club had Billy Wagner (34 saves, 2.63 ERA, 1.13 WHIP), who suffered from back spasms at the end of the season, but still pitched through the pain and it showed.  Wagner pitched to a 6.91 ERA and 1.74 WHIP in the team's last 40 games, blowing three saves.

The 2015 Mets will probably not allow almost seven runs per game over the final 26 games like the '07 squad allowed in their last seventeen, especially considering that this year's pitchers have allowed three runs or less in 74 of their first 136 games.  (The '07 club allowed four runs or more in 91 of their 162 games.)  So they probably won't have a catastrophic season-ending slump - one that would allow them to lose 12 of their last 17 games, a la the 2007 team.

But let's say the Mets just play .500 ball in the 20 games in which they're not playing the Nationals.  That would give them 85 wins in 156 games.  Now let's look at what the Nationals would have to do in their other games, considering each win-loss scenario in their final six games against the Mets and assuming the Mets win just half of their other 20 games.


Nationals go 6-0 against the Mets:
Mets finish with an 85-77 record.
Washington would need to go 9-11 in their other 20 games to win the division with an 86-76 record.

Nationals go 5-1 against the Mets:
Mets finish with an 86-76 record.
Washington would need to go 11-9 in their other 20 games to win the division with an 87-75 record.

Nationals go 4-2 against the Mets:
Mets finish with an 87-75 record.
Washington would need to go 13-7 in their other 20 games to win the division with an 88-74 record.

Nationals split the six games against the Mets:
Mets finish with an 88-74 record.
Washington would need to go 15-5 in their other 20 games to win the division with an 89-73 record.

Nationals go 2-4 against the Mets:
Mets finish with an 89-73 record.
Washington would need to go 17-3 in their other 20 games to win the division with a 90-70 record.

Nationals go 1-5 against the Mets:
Mets finish with a 90-72 record.
Washington would need to go 19-1 in their other games to win the division with a 91-71 record.

Nationals go 0-6 against the Mets:
Mets finish with a 91-71 record.
Washington would be golfing after October 4 regardless of how they fare in the other 20 games.


Of course, the Mets could somehow finish with a losing record in the 20 games they're not facing Washington, just as they could finish with a winning record in those games.  But seven of those 20 games are against the Atlanta Braves - a team that is on a run of historically bad proportions.  Atlanta is 12-41 in its last 53 games.  Their .226 winning percentage in those games - which add up to approximately one-third of the season - is lower than the .250 winning percentage posted by the 1962 Mets.  Yeah, it's been that bad in Tomahawk Town.

Some of you might say, "but the Mets lost a whole bunch of games to the Nats and Marlins down the stretch in 2007, when both teams were under .500."  That's true.  That Mets team went 5-8 against Washington and the then-Florida Marlins.  But those Nats and Marlins teams weren't 2015 Braves bad.  This year's Atlanta squad could lose 100 games and finish with the worst record in baseball.  The 2007 Nationals and Marlins won 73 games and 71 games, respectively.  There's no way - I repeat - NO WAY the Mets lose more than a game or two, if that many, against the Braves down the stretch this year.

With the team's excellent pitching, and with so many games left against the struggling Braves, it would be hard to fathom a sub-.500 record for the Mets when they're not facing Washington.  Losing five of six to Washington or even worse, a six-game sweep, in the remaining matchups between the two NL East contenders would be cause for concern.

If the Mets win just one game against the Nationals, that would force Washington to play .550 ball over their remaining 20 games, which is quite possible, assuming the Mets play .500 ball in their other 20 games.  However, should the Mets win just one out of three in each series against the Nationals (two total wins in the six games between the two teams), Washington would have to play .650 ball in their other games.  A split between the two teams and Washington would have to go on a run reminiscent of what the Phillies did in 2007.

The Mets couldn't defeat the Phillies down the stretch in 2007.  That cost them the division more than losing to the Nationals and Marlins did.  All the Mets have to do is win one series against the Nationals over the final month of the 2015 campaign and it might not matter what either NL East contender does in their other games.

Even with the Mets losing 2½ games in the standings over the last four days, the division title is still very much within the Mets' grasp.  Only a National disaster could keep the Mets from playing past Game No. 162.
 

Gettin' Iggy With It: Up At The Crack of Ass To Talk About Trading One

"Hey, Cole Hamels!  What's that on your lip?"

Good afternoon, everyone!  This is Iggy Beartran, sister to Studious Metsimus roving reporter Joey Beartran and expert on all things Cole Hamels.  Normally, I like to sleep in on Saturdays, but upon hearing yesterday's news about the Phillies looking to trade their resident ass, I had to wake up early to discuss this news with our readers (assuming any of you are awake at this time).

On Friday, several reports had Hamels updating his no-trade clause, which currently includes 20 teams he cannot be dealt to without his consent (the Mets are on this list because he knows Citi Field is a "no ass zone").  Interim team president Pat Gillick acknowledged that he doesn't expect the Phillies to be competitive for at least three seasons.  Therefore, keeping a $24 million a year pitcher until the final years of his contract when he's in his mid-30s and not as tradeable - well, that would be (ahem) phoolish.  Almost as foolish as the team giving him a six-year, $144 million deal to begin with.  Not to mention Ryan Howard's albatross of a contract, which still has two years and $50 million left on it, plus a $10 million buyout for the 2017 season.

Let's look at what the Phillies' version of the "core four" has done over the past few years and see how tradeable those players are.

Jimmy Rollins

Jimmy Rollins is entering the final year of his four-year, $44 million contract.  His career numbers are excellent (479 doubles, 111 triples, 216 homers, 453 stolen bases, 1,325 runs scored), but his best seasons are behind him.  Way, way behind him.  Rollins has batted over .252 just once in the last six seasons and has a .318 on-base percentage and .397 slugging percentage over that same time period.  That means Ruben Tejada has a better chance of reaching base (Tejada has a .328 OBP in five seasons as a Met) and Daniel Murphy can outslug the former NL MVP (Murphy has a lifetime .419 slugging percentage in six seasons despite never hitting more than 13 homers over a full season).

Oh, and did I mention that Rollins has made the third-most outs in the National League since 2009?  I didn't?  Well, I am now.  In fact, let's compare him to some of those other "out-makers".

Player	Outs Made	From	To	Age	G	PA	AB	R	H	2B	HR	RBI	BA	OBP	SLG	OPS
Hunter Pence	2812	2009	2014	26-31	953	4056	3701	537	1042	183	143	537	.282	.338	.464	.803
Brandon Phillips	2703	2009	2014	28-33	877	3794	3468	482	960	180	100	470	.277	.326	.424	.750
Jimmy Rollins	2625	2009	2014	30-35	839	3724	3359	480	845	172	91	343	.252	.318	.397	.714
Justin Upton	2510	2009	2014	21-26	883	3745	3291	540	919	181	147	482	.279	.357	.482	.839

Provided by Baseball-Reference.com: View Play Index Tool Used
Generated 10/25/2014.

From 2009 to 2014, the top four out-makers in the National League include Hunter Pence, Brandon Phillips, Justin Upton and Rollins.  Rollins has put himself on this list despite playing the fewest games of the foursome and having the fewest plate appearances, at-bats, runs scored, hits, doubles, homers and runs batted in.  He also has the lowest batting average (by far), on-base percentage, slugging percentage and OPS.  And most importantly, Rollins is the oldest player in the out-making firm of Pence, Phillips, Upton and Rollins.

If any team wants a soon-to-be 36-year-old shortstop who can learn a thing or two about reaching base from Ruben Tejada and slugging from Daniel Murphy, and who's only consistent about one thing at his advanced age - making outs - then Rollins is the man that team should target.  The bottom line is that Rollins is practically untradeable, especially if his decline continues in 2015.

Ryan Howard

Ryan Howard was once known for being one of the most feared hitters in the league, averaging 44 HR and 133 RBI from 2006 to 2011.  But beginning in 2012 (the first season of his five-year, $125 million contract), Howard has been known for a few "s"-words - strikeouts, Subway sandwiches and suckitude.

Over the past three seasons, Howard has averaged 101 games played per year due to an assortment of injuries, but that hasn't stopped him from striking out at an alarming rate.  Howard has whiffed 128 times per season since 2012 despite missing 182 games.  He has also averaged 16 homers and 65 RBI per year since 2012, and hit just 23 homers in 2014 despite being healthy all season (153 games played).  Howard had a career-low .380 slugging percentage in 2014 and led the majors in strikeouts with 190.  That's what $25 million a year buys the Phillies these days.

But hey, at least that kind of green can buy Howard all the Subway sandwiches he can eat (or are those called hoagies in Philadelphia?).

(GIF courtesy of Bill Baer at Crashburn Alley)

Chase Utley

In 2014, Chase Utley played 150+ games for the first time since 2009, but his final numbers were nowhere near what he produced in the Phillies' last pennant-winning season.  In 2009, Utley produced a .282/.397/.508 slash line, hit 31 homers (his third 30-homer campaign) and set new career highs with 23 stolen bases and 88 walks.  Five years later, Utley's first injury-free season since 2009 saw him produce a .270/.339/.407 slash line, 11 home runs, 10 stolen bases and just 53 walks.

Looking at Utley's five-year peak from 2005 to 2009 and comparing that to his last five years shows that Utley is a shadow of his former self.

• 2005-09: 151 games, .301/.388/.535, 39 doubles, 29 HR, 101 RBI, 111 runs scored
• 2010-14: 117 games, .270/.355/.435, 23 doubles, 13 HR, 60 RBI, 65 runs scored

Because of Utley's injury-free season in 2014, his $10 million salary in 2015 jumps up to $15 million, as there was a clause in his contract that guaranteed the 50% increase if he did not spend time on the disabled list with a knee injury in 2014.  A similar campaign will cause a $15 million option to kick in for 2016.  The same option applies to the 2017 and 2018 seasons.  Utley will earn $15 million per year if he collects 500 or more plate appearances in his previous campaign.  For the record, Utley played in 115 games in 2010 and 131 games in 2013, but still reached 500 plate appearances in both seasons.  In other words, the Phillies might be rooting for a long stint on the disabled list for their second baseman just to get out of a contract that could pay Utley $60 million between now and his age 39 season in 2018.

How are the Phillies going to be able to trade a guy who hasn't had a great season since 2009 to a team that would have to pay him top dollar if he stays on the field?  Utley's staying, for better or for worse.  Probably for worse.

Cole Hamels

And that brings us back to Cole Hamels.  The smiling ass still has four years and $96 million left on a contract that will pay him until he's 34, which means he'll be younger at the end of the deal than Rollins, Howard and Utley are right now.

As much as Hamels sucks against the Mets (ha, ha!), he is very good against everyone else.  In 2014, Hamels produced a career-best 2.46 ERA, reaching 200 innings for the sixth time in seven seasons.  Over the last five years, Hamels has averaged a 3.00 ERA, 1.119 WHIP and 204 strikeouts per season.  He is one of six pitchers to have 1,000 or more strikeouts since 2010.  The others are Clayton Kershaw, Felix Hernandez, Justin Verlander, Max Scherzer and David Price.  You probably recognize those names as pitchers who have won the Cy Young Award.  In fact, there are only three pitchers in all of baseball who have produced an ERA of 3.00 or lower, a WHIP not exceeding 1.12 and 1,000 strikeouts over the last five seasons.  Those pitchers are Kershaw, Hernandez and Hamels.

In other words, Cole Hamels might be an ass, but he's a mighty fine ass.

And this is a mighty fine picture of Cole Hamels.

Cole Hamels is just 30 years old (he'll be 31 in December).  Unlike his older homegrown teammates, Hamels is still quite productive, meaning he's actually earning his exorbitant salary.  But all of his quality starts have done little to help the Phillies win.  Over the last two seasons, Hamels has allowed two runs or fewer in 39 starts.  The Phillies lost 18 of those games.

Here is a list of every pitcher since 1901 who did not reach double digits in victories during a year in which he made at least 30 starts and produced a sub-2.50 ERA.

Player	Year	ERA	GS	W	Age	Tm	Lg	L	W-L%	IP	H	R	ER	BB	SO	BA	OBP	SLG	OPS
Cole Hamels	2014	2.46	30	9	30	PHI	NL	9	.500	204.2	176	60	56	59	198	.235	.296	.345	.641

Provided by Baseball-Reference.com: View Play Index Tool Used
Generated 10/25/2014.

Not exactly a long list, is it?  In fact, since the advent of divisional play in 1969, only two pitchers have come close to matching what Hamels did, and both names might look familiar to fans of National League baseball in New York.

Player	Year	ERA	GS	W	Age	Tm	Lg	L	W-L%	IP	H	R	ER	BB	SO	BA	OBP	SLG	OPS
Cole Hamels	2014	2.46	30	9	30	PHI	NL	9	.500	204.2	176	60	56	59	198	.235	.296	.345	.641
Matt Harvey	2013	2.27	26	9	24	NYM	NL	5	.643	178.1	135	46	45	31	191	.209	.248	.282	.530
Craig Swan	1978	2.43	28	9	27	NYM	NL	6	.600	207.1	164	62	56	58	125	.219	.275	.321	.597

Provided by Baseball-Reference.com: View Play Index Tool Used
Generated 10/25/2014.

Both Craig Swan and Matt Harvey failed to reach ten victories in their outstanding seasons, but each pitcher had a sub-2.50 ERA.  However, unlike Hamels, who made 30 starts in 2014, Swan and Harvey started 28 and 26 games, respectively, leaving Hamels all by his lonesome in the 30-start, 2.50-or-under-ERA, single-digit-victory club.

Imagine what Hamels could do for a team that, you know, actually scores runs.  It would behoove the Phillies to trade Hamels now, while he's still in his prime and is still putting up All-Star numbers.

Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Howard, Chase Utley and Cole Hamels are the Phillies' version of the "core four", as the quartet was originally drafted by Philadelphia and have spent a combined 47 seasons in the city of Brotherly Love.  But Rollins, Howard and Utley are all past their prime years and are playing like it.  Hamels is not.

"We're not amused that Iggy Beartran thinks we're past out prime." (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

For years, Cole Hamels has never endeared himself to Mets fans.  From calling the Mets chokers following the Phillies' 2008 championship season to costing R.A. Dickey a chance to toss the team's first no-hitter in 2010, Hamels has been the textbook definition of an ass.

During the 2009 World Series against the Yankees, Hamels admitted that he couldn't wait to go home while his teammates were trying to win a second championship.  If he wants to win more games, perhaps home for Hamels should be in a city that doesn't serve up steaks on a hoagie or poorly-timed quotes from its star pitcher.

Escaping from Philadelphia can help both the Phillies on a team level and Cole Hamels on a personal level.  Hopefully, if Hamels does get traded, it's to a team that has the Mets on its schedule.  That 8-14 career mark versus New York needs a few more 'L's on it.