Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What Would Keith Say To Sergio Romo And Brian Wilson?

By now you've seen the Bosom Beardies from the San Francisco Giants. I'm talking about Giants' relievers Sergio Romo and Brian Wilson, both of whom are sporting a facial forest. If not, perhaps the photos below will help.

Sergio Romo is the pitcher who is not in the Witness Protection Program, or is that Brian Wilson?

The hirsute heroes from the Bay Area formed a solid one-two punch in the Giants' bullpen this season, combining for 136.2 innings, striking out 163 batters and giving up only 108 hits. However, they became even more unhittable in the NLCS, where together they pitched 7.1 scoreless innings, allowing only four hits and striking out ten Phillies.

How did they manage to dominate the league this season? Perhaps Keith Hernandez would like to offer his opinion. Keith?

Thanks so much for inviting me to guest-write on your blog, although I have no idea who you are and why you would want my opinion. I'll make this brief so I can beat the traffic home.

I think the reason Sergio Romo and Brian Wilson have pitched so well is because they're hiding something in their beards.

Romo had never pitched more than 34 innings in a season before this year. Then all of a sudden he grows a beard and pitches in 68 games for the Giants. That's not a coincidence. I think Romo is hiding an emery board or petroleum jelly in his beard. Since the umpires are afraid to check it for fear that they won't be able to find their way out of it, Romo has been getting away with it.

Similarly, I recently read that Wilson, despite his affiliation with the Beach Boys, is not from the state of California. In fact, he was born and raised in Londonderry, New Hampshire. What's New Hampshire most known for? That's right, kids. Being next to Vermont. That means Wilson had a ton of maple syrup at his disposal. It would be quite easy to hide some of that maple syrup within his massive beard. The spitball might be illegal in baseball, but there's nothing in the rule book that prevents pitchers from throwing a syrupball.

I'm not saying that Romo and Wilson are cheating, but when two relief pitchers on a team start growing their beards out, then tell all the members of the media that it's because they're starting a ZZ Top cover band that will tour during the off-season, let's just say that I'm willing to bet a box of Tootsie Pops that something fishy is going on there.

If Romo and Wilson really wanted to get the media to believe them, they should have just dropped my name. In five easy minutes, they could have just told them that they were the new spokesmen for Just For Men and everything would have been kosher.

After all, Emmitt Smith couldn't continue to shoot more Just For Men commercials with Walt Frazier and yours truly because he's far too busy right now. (Like winning on Dancing With The Stars and being elected into the Pro Football Hall of Fame is more important than appearing with me in a commercial.)

We wouldn't even have had to shoot any new commercials. The producers could have just digitally removed Emmitt Smith from his scenes and inserted Romo and Wilson. Of course, we'd also have to change any football reference to a baseball reference and I'd have to re-do my line and say "your beards are weird", but that wouldn't have taken very long to memorize.

It's so sad. Romo and Wilson have done so well this season. I hope the news of their beard-assisted cheating doesn't ruin their careers. If only they had asked Jeff Francoeur how he got away with growing a beard without any speculation of wrongdoing, perhaps I wouldn't have blown them out of the water like I just did.

That's all for now. Hope everyone can still enjoy the World Series, despite the Romo/Wilson follicle follies. It's time for me to go back to my six-month vacation. Why do I get six months off as opposed to other people? The answer is simple, really. After all, I'm Keith Hernandez.

1 comment:

Rainiedazze said...

Love me some Emmitt Smith, and Keith's alright too ;)