Ollie, Ollie, Axe Him Please!

All throughout the winter, Oliver Perez has tried to regain what used to pass for his fastball. He went to the Mexican League and became a Tomato Picker (No, seriously. If you don't believe me, click here.) That failed.

He showed up early at Port St. Lucie for Spring Training and talked to Terry Collins and Sandy Alderson about his desire to start ballgames. Blah, blah, blah.

For approximately 15 minutes, he fooled Sandy Alderson into thinking that he had recovered the ability to throw strike one before ball four. Nice try, Ollie.

Now, he's been given until March 10 to prove to pitching coach Dan Warthen and the Mets why he should be a part of this team. If he fails to do so, he will either be demoted to the bullpen or given his outright release.

You'd think El Perez-idente would take advantage of the umpteenth opportunity afforded to him to prove that he can still earn at least one dollar of his $36 million contract. Right?

So today Ollie hops, skips and jumps his way to the mound in the Mets' exhibition game against the Braves. He's given two innings to try to save his career and our sanity. What does he do with the chance? I'll spell it out for you in six short sentences that even Ollie could understand:

• Two innings pitched.
• 12 batters faced.
• Four runs allowed.
• Four hits allowed (three singles, one double).
• Three bases on balls.
• .583 on-base percentage against him.

Never mind the fact that he also struck out three batters. Those were sympathy Ks by the Braves. They know that if they make him look good by racking up a few strikeouts, they make the decision to cut Oliver Perez far more difficult for Mets management.

Mets fans have put up with this poor excuse for a major league pitcher ever since he put his "x" on the three-year, $36 million contract in 2009. The day he left his John Hancock on that contract was the last time Oliver Perez was able to put something where he was told.

Do us all a favor, Mr. Alderson. That March 10 deadline for Oliver Perez? Ignore it. Make it February 27. Cut him now. If you don't, you risk having Terry Collins actually having to bring him into a game during the regular season when Ollie won't be facing players who will give him sympathy strikeouts.

Jesus saves. Too bad Oliver Perez's career has already gone to Hell.

We've had enough. In your short time as GM, you should be fed up as well. Increase your popularity rating with the Mets 46-fold by ridding the team of No. 46. In fact, just retire the number while you're at it. No one should be forced to wear the most unluckiest of numbers after Ollie's negative energy has permeated it.

Simply stated, "Ollie, Ollie, Axe Him Please!" At least if the season goes badly, that would give us one highlight to celebrate.

Oliver Perez Brings His Balls To Mexico

Do you recognize the man to the left? (Apparently, the people in the background don't, because they're cheering for him.) It's none other than our very own Oliver Perez, who is now pitching for his hometown Culiacan Tomateros in the Mexican Pacific League.

In an effort to hone his eroding baseball skills, which is a polite way of saying that he's trying to improve enough so that he can get another major league contract that doesn't involve cleaning out the toilets in the clubhouse, Oliver Perez has taken his impeccable ability to throw balls to Mexico.

He is not letting his ball-throwing fanbase down. In 4.1 innings of work, scattered over four relief appearances, Ollie has faced 20 batters. Eight of the 20 have reached base (three walks, five hits) for a .400 on-base percentage. The eight baserunners over 4.1 innings actually represent a slight improvement over his numbers for the Mets in 2010, when he allowed 96 baserunners (54 hits, 42 walks) over 46.1 innings of work.

Right now, Oliver Perez couldn't hit a CC Sabathia-sized piñata if he was standing directly underneath it. He can't retire 40% of opposing batters in the Mexican Pacific League, so what chance does he have of getting the job done as a Met in 2011?

Oliver Perez used to be a decent pitcher with a lot of potential. Now he's just an expert at throwing ball four. His potential has never been realized in the major leagues and he's certainly not realizing it as a Tomato Picker (which is what "Tomateros" means in English).

One more thing. Remember the photo you saw at the top of this post? It's actually cropped from the photo below (courtesy of the Tomateros website):


The only way for Oliver Perez to get to the pitcher's mound unscathed is to run with a kid by his side. This would definitely come in handy on the date when the Tomateros have their "Free Tomato Day" giveaway.

Oliver Perez is in the last year of his three-year, $36 million swindle, I mean, contract. For his own sake, he better re-learn how to throw strikes. If not, he may just be a Tomatero for life.