Song Parody: Centerfield

So far this off-season, Mets outfielders are leaving New York faster than Vince Coleman can light a firecracker.  First, we saw the departure of Jason Bay, who recently signed a one-year deal with the Seattle Mariners.  Today we didn't see a Bay leave, but we did see an outfielder leave one Bay for another, as centerfielder Andres Torres was spotted leaving on a jet plane flying over Flushing Bay on his way to the west coast and his old haunts in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Torres signed a one-year deal worth $2 million to return to the Giants, the team that traded him to New York last off-season for Angel Pagan.  Torres will become Pagan's neighbor in the outfield, playing left field alongside the newest member of the "former Mets who won a World Series ring after leaving New York" club.

With two-thirds of the Mets' 2012 outfield now playing out west and part of the remaining third (Scott Hairston) considering his options, the outfield is beginning to resemble John Rocker's brain.  Basically, it's empty.  And there's less than four months to go until the curtain rises on the 2013 campaign.

Will the Mets go with their highly flawed current cast of backups and bench players in the outfield?  Will fans clamor for the days of Benny Agbayani, Jay Payton and Derek Bell?  Will Vince Coleman and John Rocker join Mensa?

Those questions will all be answered by April 1, 2013.  (Spoiler alert: Coleman and Rocker were just seen shopping for a "Mensa For Dummies" book.)  For now, please join me as I present to you the latest Studious Metsimus song parody, based on - you guessed it - the lack of outfielders at Citi Field.  I'd like to thank John Fogerty for singing the original version of "Centerfield".  Without him, I would never be able to butcher his lyrics the way Lucas Duda butchers routine pop-ups.  Enjoy!

The season’s done, Sandy’s on the phone to see who he can trade 
To war again with new guys on the field 
He gave the word, Bay’s got a new home - it’s a part of Sandy’s plan
Andres Torres is gone as well, so here’s the deal

Oh, put me in coach – no one else can play today 
Put me in coach – the outfield’s empty at New Shea 
Look at the
Tumbleweeds
In center field

Well, your fielders have to add up to nine – I’m countin’ 'em from the bench 
You got rid of some chumps when Torres and Bay skipped town 
So listen, Sandy, sign Hairston – oh, please don’t let him go 
Don’t save all the dough, it’s time to pay him now

Oh, put me in coach – no one else can play today 
Put me in coach – the outfield’s empty at New Shea 
Look at the
Tumbleweeds 
In center field

Hey!  Who’s got it?  Who’s got it?

Got Lucas Duda, a homegrown Bax, and Kirk Nieuwenhuis too 
You know it’s almost time for den Dekker to arrive 
Who will get the call to defend that wall – what’s our outfield become? 
(CRAP!) Pagan just won after he said goodbye!

Oh, put me in coach – no one else can play today 
Put me in coach – the outfield’s empty at New Shea 
Look at the
Tumbleweeds 
In center field

Oh, put me in coach – no one else can play today 
Put me in coach – the outfield’s empty at New Shea 
Look at the
Tumbleweeds 
In center field

I Have The Solution To The Mets' Bullpen Problem!

After the Mets' meltdown across the border in Toronto, where they allowed 14 runs to the Blue Jays (including six more runs given up by the bullpen), the team decided a change needed to be made.  As per ESPNNewYork's own Adam Rubin, the Mets are expected to call up Jeremy Hefner to fortify their tattered bullpen.  Although the Mets have made no formal announcement of this transaction as of this writing, the prime candidate for demotion/release/being sent to the principal's office is Manny Acosta (although the team is leaning toward demoting Jordany Valdespin and his "I own Jonathan Papelbon" shirt).

Acosta allowed five runs to the Blue Jays last night in two innings of so-called "work".  For the season, Acosta has allowed 27 runs (23 earned) in 19⅔ innings.  He has allowed more runs than any pitcher on the Mets' staff except Dillon Gee.  Yes, you read that correctly.  A relief pitcher is second on the team in runs allowed.  R.A. Dickey, who has thrown 30⅔ innings more than Acosta, has allowed five fewer runs (two fewer earned runs) than the man who has continued the tradition of putrid pitching in uniform No. 46.

Jeremy Hefner had a cup of coffee in the major leagues earlier this season, pitching three innings of scoreless relief in a loss to the Giants.  That's fine and dandy.  But it's still only three innings of major league experience.  He might not be the long-term solution.  But I might just have a better solution.

Earlier today, I had a discussion with Clayton Collier.  (Follow him on Twitter here, why don't ya?)  Clayton is a writer for numerous sites, such as Mets Merized Online, and is the founder/head baseball writer at Trifecta Sports, so it's safe to say he knows what he's talking about when it comes to baseball and the Mets.

In our discussion, we talked about some previous faux suggestions for bullpen help, such as Tim Tebow, whose erratic left arm would strike the fear of God into opposing batters.  Clayton also suggested Jeremy Lin, although his curveball isn't as good as his crossover.

That's when the eco-friendly light bulb lit up above my head (albeit dimly).  I know what the Mets have to do to strengthen their bullpen.  Cue up the video...





That's right, kids!  I'm throwing my own Mets hat into the ring.  I'm nominating myself to help the Mets' relief corps.

You see, when R.A. Dickey gave me tips on how to throw a knuckleball, I shocked him by not only throwing a perfect strike, but by knocking his ball out of the hole.  (Dickey threw a practice pitch and embedded it into the haystack that served as the strike zone.  My pitch hit his ball in the center of the strike zone and dislodged it.)

Hitters would be so confounded by my knuckleball, a stark contrast to the 100-MPH heat thrown by Bobby Parnell and the assortment of other pitches thrown by the rest of the crew, that they wouldn't know what to do with it.  Either that or they'd just laugh so hard at the out-of-shape noob on the mound that they wouldn't notice strike three fluttering by.

Think about it, Mets fans.  It makes sense on so many levels.  I have acquired pitching experience from my personal lesson with knuckleball guru R.A. Dickey.  I also own many personalized Mets jerseys, so I'd even save the cash-strapped Wilpons some money since they wouldn't have to make new uniforms for me.

It's time to get the campaign rolling!  Let's get some fresh blood into the Mets bullpen!  No more turning the relief corps into the relief corpse!

Put me in, coach!  I'm ready to play!  Look at me, I can be ... your reliever!