Joey's Soapbox: Phillies To Repeat; Yankees Smell Defeat

It's been a while since I got on my soapbox, but as you can see from the picture to the left, I'm back on it and I brought some props with me. It's time to make my predictions for the 2009 World Series between the Philadelphia Phillies and the New York Yankees, or as my colleague calls it, the Doomsday Series.

Let me first say that I would rather not pick either one of these teams, because I am a Mets fan first, second and always. I proudly wave my foam finger in the face of anyone who doubts where my allegiances lie.

That being said, I'm pulling for the Yankees to lose to the Phillies in the World Series. Here is my reasoning for this prediction.

I hate the Phillies and their fans more than Sally Struthers hates salads, but they've only been good for three years. Before 2007, did anybody on the Phillies annoy you? Were their fans up in your faces? No. Everything was cool before 2007 because there was no rivalry or animosity between the two teams and their fans.

However, since 2000, all Yankee fans have been saying is 26 rings this, 26 rings that. Not only that, but if you're a Mets fan who reminds them that they haven't won a ring in nine years, what will they say? They'll say that it's been 23 years since we last won and that their last ring was earned by beating the Mets.

Phillies fans can't talk (even though they will). Not only are they the only team in professional sports with 10,000 losses, but over the course of each franchise's history, the Mets have a better winning percentage than the Phillies.

Despite the fact that the Mets were regular patrons of the 100-loss club for several years before they won the World Series in 1969 and were dismal in the late 70s and early 80s, they still have a better overall record than the Phillies. In 48 seasons, the Mets' regular season winning percentage is .479 (3,655 wins and 3,981 losses). The Phillies have 9,038 wins and 10,167 losses in their 127-year history, for a winning percentage of .471. If they were to start a 1,000 game winning streak, they'd still have a losing record once the skein ended.

Yankee fans can be arrogant as well, but at least they can back it up with all of their championships that they earned in every decade except the 80s. What can Phillies fans back it up with? Not much. Two championships in 127 years isn't that impressive. The Mets have won the same amount of titles in about one-third the time. Even the Marlins have won that many championships and they've only been in existence since 1993. The only thing the Phillies can say they do better then the Mets is that the Phillie Phanatic is better at playing with his wiener.

So let the Phillies and their fans have their fun. Does anyone really expect them to stay around for long? They don't have a single everyday player under the age of 28 and by the time Opening Day comes around, their fearsome foursome of Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Jayson Werth and Raul Ibañez will all be in their thirties.

By the time their contracts expire, all will be past their prime but will still demand the money of players in their prime. Only Chase Utley is signed beyond the 2011 season. Jayson Werth will become a free agent after next season. Next year is also Jimmy Rollins' last year, although he has an option for 2011, while Howard and Ibañez's contracts expire in 2011 as well. Do you really think they'll all accept pay cuts to continue playing for the Phillies?

The run started by the Phillies in 2007 should end by 2011. Then it will be back to normal, where the Mets will be better than the Phillies and the Yankees will still be talking about their dozens of rings.

Because of that, I am picking the Yankees to lose the World Series in five games to the Phillies. That's right. I'm agreeing with Jimmy Rollins' prediction of five games. Don't worry. It won't become a habit. Once April comes around, it'll be back to smashmouth baseball. Or in the case of Jimmy Rollins, smashface baseball.

World Series Turf War: Jay-Z vs. Big Willie Style

Rivalries. They exist everywhere. Whether it's the Mets and the Phillies, Tupac and Biggie or Sally Struthers and a truckload of Ring Dings, rivalries can turn former friends into sworn enemies (except Struthers and the Ring Dings; they're still on speaking terms).

Now we have a new rivalry forming. Because of the upcoming World Series between the Phillies and the Yankees, Philadelphia native Will Smith has entered into a war of words with noted Yankee fan Jay-Z. Here is the tale of the tape between Mr. Jada and Mr. Beyoncé:

Will Smith burst out of the West Philly scene with DJ Jazzy Jeff, had a string of Top 40 hits, but his time as the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air changed him. His clean image took a hit when he was seen smacking Carlton behind Uncle Phil's back and he also never intervened whenever his supposed best friend, Jazzy Jeff was thrown out of the mansion. Big Willie Style left his brotherly love in Philly when he went out west.

Jay-Z rose from the projects in Bed-Stuy to become one of the leading entrepreneurs in hip-hop. He is the co-owner of the 40/40 Club and the New Jersey Nets, but he has also made some poor business decisions. For example, he attempted to sell his Roca-Pads tampons by using Chappelle's Show as his infomercial. Then, he made his wife Beyoncé angry when he attempted to be a backseat driver (see photo below). Not smart to go Big Pimpin' on stage.

Will Smith has since recovered from his Bel-Air brainwashing. With numerous box office successes (let's not talk about "Wild Wild West") and a successful marriage to Jada Pinkett-Smith, the former Fresh Prince has now decided to throw his Hancock into the ring by taking on Jay-Z as their cities are being represented by the Phillies and the Yankees in the World Series.

They have decided to battle on the mics. Smith began by laying down these fresh rhymes:

"I was once the Fresh Prince, but now my Phillies are regal.
The Yankees are endangered like my friend, the bald eagle.
Jay-Z might be living in his Empire State of Mind.
But I'm the one who's gonna tap his wife's lovely behind."

When Jay-Z was informed that Smith believed that he was ready for Beyoncé's jelly, he did not seem to be perturbed. However, things changed when he realized that Smith had also badmouthed the Yankees.

Without giving so much as a thought, Jay-Z freestyled his response to Smith:

"I'm gonna make sure you live a Hard Knock Life.
For dissin' on my Yankees and mackin' on my wife.
I'll savor our victory while you cry in defeat.
Welcome to the Bronx: the real nightmare on your street."

So the battle is on. The war will not only be fought between the foul lines; it will also be fought in the luxury boxes. Jay-Z and his Yankees vs. Big Willie Style and his Phillies. Who will live? Who will die? Who'll be crying like a baby when Suge Knight hangs him off the press box? (It'll probably still be Vanilla Ice.)

All of these questions will be answered over the course of the next four to seven games. Now excuse me while our combatants are getting ready to take the stage at Yankee Stadium. I believe their wives are in need of some company...