Saturday, May 29, 2010

Joey's Soapbox: Why I Hate Charlie Manuel More Than You Do

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel lost about 500 pounds, or half his weight, during the offseason. That weight loss will serve him well, as he'll need to be light on his feet to get away from me when I go after him for saying what he said two nights ago.

Hello, everyone. I'm Joey Beartran and this is my Soapbox.

As I was taking a cake break yesterday, I opened up the New York Post to read about the Mets' three-game sweep of the Phillies. It was the first time since the Miracle year of 1969 that the Mets had held an opponent scoreless for an entire three-game series.

After my fifth slice of cake, I came across an article by Fred Kerber that featured this quote by Charlie Manuel:

"Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you."

Who's this person eating bears? Does PETA know about this? I was shocked that a major league manager not named Ozzie Guillen could say something so insensitive. I can't speak for all bears, but I know I contribute to his salary when I purchase tickets to games and when I buy chicken nachos.

Shame on Charlie Manuel for suggesting that on occasion, my fellow furry friends should be consumed by him or his cronies. As for the part where he said that sometimes the bear eats you, let's just say I would never eat Charlie Manuel. I'm not a big fan of indigestion.

If Charlie Manuel is having flashbacks to his heavier days, perhaps he should satisfy his hunger by opening his mouth and sticking his foot in it.

Speaking of sticking a foot in one's mouth, the master of said practice, Colbert Hamels, was caught doing it again in the same New York Post article. Towards the end of the article, Hamels talks about the Phillies recent slump by saying:

"It happens every year for us, almost around the same time...I have a job to do. I can't worry about the offense."

Really, Colbert? So this happens to you every year around the same time. Is that your excuse for the Phillies' Phutility at Citi Field this week? Let's look at the Phillies' records for the month of May since Hamels joined the team in 2006, shall we?

2010: 15-10, .600 win pct. (currently 27-20, .574 win pct.)
2009: 17-11, .607 win pct. (finished season 93-69, .574 win pct.)
2008: 17-12, .586 win pct. (finished season 92-70, .568 win pct.)
2007: 15-13, .536 win pct. (finished season 89-73, .549 win pct.)
2006: 17-11, .607 win pct. (finished season 85-77, .525 win pct.)

The Phillies have had winning records every May that Hamels has been on the team. In fact, in four of those five seasons, the team had a better winning percentage in May than they had over the entire season, meaning that May has generally been one of the best months for the Phillies over the past five seasons.

Colbert Hamels is also the same guy who said that he couldn't wait for the season to end after losing Game 3 of last year's World Series. So saying things that make absolutely no sense seems par for the course for him.

Okay, I've said everything I have to say about those blasted Phillies. To summarize, Charlie Manuel might have lost weight, but he still has a big mouth. And Colbert Hamels still doesn't have a clue and looks like a jackass every time he opens his mouth.

I'm Joey Beartran and I'm getting off my soapbox. I can't stay on it all night, you know. After all, it's cake o'clock.

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