At Studious Metsimus, we always want to know in advance what the Mets are going to do prior to Opening Day. We figure that if there's something to look forward to during the upcoming season, we should be prepared for it. Similarly, if there's something we wish we didn't know, we should also share it with our readers. Why should we keep all the yummy disappointment to ourselves?
Since the end of the 2013 campaign, the Mets have added two new outfielders in Chris Young and Curtis Granderson. Young is signed to a one-year deal because the Mets want to be winners of this year's Marlon Byrd Award. That's the honor given to the front office who gets lucky with a reclamation project for one year, then trades him away for prospects at the trade deadline, hoping he signs a multi-year deal the following season with a division rival (preferably the Phillies) who foolishly overpays for his services. Granderson was brought aboard with a four-year contract because the Mets want to prove that not every power-hitting outfielder who comes to Citi Field on a four-year deal is going to turn into Jason Bay.
In addition to Young and Granderson, the Mets added 40-year-old Bartolo Colon to be the team's temporary replacement for the injured Matt Harvey, as well as the club's elder statesman and nutrition consultant. This probably also explains why Harvey is adamant about returning before the end of the 2014 season. Not because he wants to be the oldest guy in the clubhouse (which he won't be for many years), but because he doesn't want to trip over empty KFC buckets in the clubhouse.
Will the Mets' new additions cause the team's fans to party like it's 1986? Or will they get over this off-season's acquisitions almost as quickly as Cole Hamels racks up losses against the Mets?
The answers to those questions and more are the reasons why we have awoken our Magic 8-Ball from its yearly hibernation. So sit back, relax, make yourself some chicken nachos (not necessarily in that order - we realize it would be difficult to make yourself a snack after you've sat down and begun to relax), and prepare yourselves for the wise words that can only come from a quick shake of the Studious Metsimus Magic 8-Ball! Take it away, M8B!
Oh, sorry about that. I won't make that mistake again. So let's jump right into it, Magic 8-Ball. What are your thoughts on the team this year? Do you think they'll be competitive in the NL East?
My bad. How do you feel the Mets will fare in the division in 2014?
You do realize there are only five teams in the NL East, right?
Let's move on. The Mets signed Chris Young, Curtis Granderson and Bartolo Colon to free-agent contracts during the off-season. Which of the three players do you think will have the greatest impact at Citi Field?
Wow, you seem quite sure of yourself. Why do you think it's absolutely Chris Young?
I don't understand. What does his proximity to Shake Shack have to do with his value on the team?
Okay. I think we're beyond fat jokes here. Everyone's doing them. You're better than that.
I'll forget I ever asked that question. Now, Magic 8-Ball, if you were manager Terry Collins, who would you want to have a bounceback season from the most?
Zack Wheeler? Are you crazy? Wheeler had a great rookie season, going 7-5 with a 3.42 ERA. Why would you think Terry Collins would want him to bounce back? What is he bouncing back from?
I see your point. So let's shift back to the offense. Ike Davis and Lucas Duda both spent extended periods of time at AAA-Las Vegas, yet still managed to strike out a combined 203 times at the major league level. They drove in a total of 66 runs for the Mets, so for every RBI they produced, they struck out more than three times. Now they're both vying for playing time at first base. What's the easy solution for this conundrum?
If only the batting-helmeted one was still active and not about to turn 46 this coming August.
That's another outstanding point, Magic 8-Ball! You're on a roll today!
Alas, Tejada is no Jose Reyes on the field.
You're quite the savvy sphere! Let's try a lighter question now. David Wright was just named the face of MLB. If baseball named other players as the arm or leg of baseball, which players would those be?
Excuse me? What are you talking about? Did I say something wrong?
So because you're an armless, legless face, that means no one can ask you a question about those body parts?
You're a little too sensitive for a Magic 8-Ball, you know that? So I'm not getting anything from you on this topic?
I guess that's better than nothing. So one more question on an individual player before I ask you for your prediction for the Mets' record in 2014. What do you think Matt Harvey will do to stay occupied during his year of rehab and recovery from Tommy John surgery?
I didn't know he was trying to take your job. Oh, wait. You're talking about that tweet he put out predicting that Harvey Day would happen in 2014. I honestly don't think you have to worry about him challenging you in the prognosticating profession.
>Snicker< You really didn't just say you were "quite shaken" after reading Harvey's tweet, did you? A Magic 8-Ball being shaken? >Chuckle<
Okay, I'm sorry. Final question. What do you think will be the Mets' final record in 2014 and where will they finish in the NL East?
Aw, come on! Can't you give the Mets an extra win so they can at least finish the year with a .500 record?
And on that note, I think it's time to pack away the Studious Metsimus Magic 8-Ball in a box, preferably a dark one with no air holes, and not let it out for another year at the very least. Hmmm, I wonder what Matt Harvey is doing right now...
Enjoy the upcoming baseball season, Mets fans! And as always, please help control the snarky sphere population. Have your Magic 8-Ball spayed or neutered.
LET'S GO METS!!
Hey, kids! The Magic 8-Ball has made predictions before. To see what it said prior to each of the previous four seasons, please click on the links below: