The Real Reason Why Angel Hernandez Blew The Home Run Call

On Wednesday night, infielder Adam Rosales of the Oakland Athletics hit what appeared to be a dramatic game-tying homer off Cleveland Indians' closer Chris Perez with two outs in the ninth inning.  But the long drive was ruled a double by the umpires, and after a quick check of instant replay, the call was upheld.

There was only one problem.  Instant replay clearly showed that the ball was indeed a home run, striking a metal railing above the yellow line at the top of the left field wall.  But even with a set of electronic eyes in the replay room, the umps still got it wrong.  And who was the crew chief that was probably watching Law & Order: SVU instead of the actual home run replay?  None other than longtime Mets' nemesis Angel Hernandez.

But even though Oakland manager Bob Melvin might not forgive Hernandez for his egregious call, we at the Studious Metsimus staff do.  After all, we know that Hernandez is still mourning the loss of his umpiring mentor.

In November 2010, the great comedic actor, opera singer and umpire Leslie Nielsen passed away at the age of 84.  The versatile thespian was influential to many comedians for his deadpan delivery on screen, but his work in the first "Naked Gun" film was a little too influential to an enemy of Mets fans (and now A's fans, as well).

For years, Mets fans have had a hate/hate relationship with umpire Angel Hernandez.   His strike zone has been wider than CC Sabathia's waistline whenever the Mets are batting.   He has also developed a rare form of temporary blindness that has resulted in numerous calls at the plate going against the Mets, as Mike Piazza (circa 1998) and Paul Lo Duca (circa 2006) can attest.

Whenever Angel Hernandez has been on the field for a Mets game, bad calls have always followed.  Therefore, it should come as no surprise to Mets fans that he has based his entire style of calling games on the umpiring work of Leslie Nielsen.  Don't believe me?   Take a look at this video clip, which Hernandez accidentally left behind the last time he umpired a game at Citi Field.



When John Franco went ballistic on Hernandez after his blown call at home plate gave the Braves a crucial victory over the Mets in 1998, that was Leslie Nielsen's influence.  Similarly, when Paul Lo Duca spiked the ball at home plate after another poor call by Hernandez during a game in 2006, it was right after the arbiter had viewed his favorite film (or as he liked to call it, his umpiring instructional video).

Angel Hernandez has been working with a heavy heart since the end of the 2010 campaign, when his mentor and inspiration passed away.  Most teams honor those who have died by wearing black patches or armbands on their uniforms, such as the "Kid 8" patches the Mets wore in 2012 to honor Gary Carter.

Hernandez has also worn black to honor the late Leslie Nielsen, but he has been wearing it in a way that is not only appropriate in cold weather cities (like Cleveland last night), but has allowed him to come up with new excuses for missing critical calls against the Mets and other big league teams (see photo below).

Yes, that really is Angel Hernandez under all that black.

Leslie Nielsen starred in countless films over his long career.  His passing in November 2010 has been mourned by millions of fans worldwide.  But one fan has been taking it just a little harder than most.

Nearly thirty months ago, Leslie Nielsen passed away at the age of 84.  This Mets blogger has missed him for his comedic acting ability and impeccable timing, but surely Angel Hernandez has missed him for quite a bit more (even if he just called you Shirley).

Ghosts of Metsimus Past: American Idol Judges Choose Next Mets Manager

Welcome to Ghosts of Metsimus Past, where we have a Dickens of a time bringing back classic Studious Metsimus posts from the past.  In today's inaugural edition, we'll conjure up a post that was originally published on November 13, 2010.

It was around this time two years ago that the Mets hired Terry Collins to become the 20th manager in team history.  But prior to the hiring, there was much speculation as to who the new skipper would be.  Everyone from Bob Melvin to Clint Hurdle to Wally Backman was being considered for the job that eventually went to Collins.   Things got so hectic in the Mets front office that the American Idol judges were called upon to help select the new Mets manager.  Even a special guest celebrity judge crashed the party.  Let's take a look at the original transcript from two years ago to see how they did.




The Mets have interviewed a number of internal and external candidates in the hopes of finding a new manager to replace the departed Jerry Manuel. There have been many rumors and speculation about who that man will be. New Mets GM Sandy Alderson has stated that he would like the new manager in place within the next few weeks, but has given no word as to who he's leaning towards as his choice.

So who should be the next Mets manager? There are many candidates, but only one will be the next manager. Perhaps we should have the judges at American Idol handle the interviews, since they are "experts" at deciding who in America has talent. Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler, the floor is all yours.



Randy: Who's our first candidate?

Steven: I believe it's Bob Melvin.

Randy: Mr. Melvin.

Bob Melvin: Hi, I'm Bob Melvin.  I've managed the Seattle Mariners and the Arizona Diamondbacks, winning 93 games in 2003, which was my first season in Seattle, and 90 games for Arizona in 2007.  In fact, when my Diamondbacks finished 90-72 in '07, that represented the best overall record in the National League.

J-Lo: I like that team, the Diamondbacks.  You know, I've got back too, and it's worth more than a diamond.

Randy: Sweet sassy molassy, girl!

Bob Melvin: I don't know what that means, but did I get the job?

Steven: We'll get back to you.  Right now, I want to talk about Jennifer's back.

Randy: That's a lot of back.  Speaking of back, our next candidate is Wally Backman.

Steven: Actually, I heard he's no longer a candidate.

J-Lo: Why not?  I remember liking him when I was a Fly Girl.

Randy: You're still fly, girl.

J-Lo: Ay, Papi!

Steven: We can continue this discussion later, but right now let's talk about Joe Torre.  He's had an incredible managerial career, winning four championships with the Bronx Bombers and then leading the Dodgers to consecutive NLCS appearances.

J-Lo: Did you say Bronx Bombers?  You know, I'm from the Bronx.  I'm from the block.

Steven: Which block is that?

J-Lo: You know, Papi.  The block.  The one right off the 6 train.

Randy: You can pull into my stop anytime.

Steven: Randy, we're discussing managers here.

J-Lo: Who's managing the Yankees now?  Isn't it that Joe Hibachi guy?

Steven: Joe Girardi.

Randy: I could go for some hibachi right now.

J-Lo: Whatever, Papi.  Yeah, that's who the Mets should get.  Joe Torre is kind of a viejo right now.

Randy: What's a viejo?

J-Lo: An old man.  What is he, like 50 now?

Steven: He's 70.  Actually, I'm 62.  Does that make me a viejo?

J-Lo: Whatever, Steven.   I know what you're trying to do.  You just want me to stop talking about Joe Torre because his teams always beat up on your Red Sox.

Steven: We took care of that in 2004.  I remember that year so well. In fact, I was just reminiscing about that season the other day with my fellow Red Sox fan, Ben Affleck.

J-Lo: Don't even go there, Steven.

Steven: Why?  Still bitter about Gigli?

J-Lo: Steven!

Steven: Or the fact that he found a better woman who actually cared about the Red Sox?

J-Lo: Steven!  Don't make me show you the Bronx!

Steven: Who are you?  J-Lo or Bobby Bo?

Randy: Ladies, ladies, ladies.   Please stop fighting!   We're trying to choose a manager here.

Steven: Dude, do I look like a lady?

Randy: Well, now that you mention it...

Clint Hurdle: Guys, I'm ready.  Can I come out now?

Steven: See, Clint Hurdle knows I'm a guy.

J-Lo: Did he call me a guy too?  He's fired!

Randy: Fired?  We haven't even hired him yet, dawg.

J-Lo: Dawg?  Oh, so you think I'm a b...

Clint Hurdle: Maybe I should come back some other time.

Steven: No, Clint.  Stay.   Tell us what you've got.

Clint Hurdle: Well, I managed the Colorado Rockies from 2002 to 2009 and led them to their first ever World Series appearance in 2007.

Steven: Where you were swept by my Red Sox.  Ga-ga-ga-ga-GOW!!

Clint Hurdle: Is that why you wanted me to stay?  To make fun of me for losing the World Series to Boston?  You know, I also know the Mets organization, having played for them in the '80s and managed in their minor league system.

J-Lo: That viejo Torre also played for and managed the Mets.

Clint Hurdle: What's your point?

J-Lo: Well, he ain't getting no Mets job, so why should you?

Clint Hurdle: Why is Joe Torre's past relevant to my candidacy?  What do you even know about baseball, Ms. Lopez?

Guest Judge: I've been saying it all along.  There shouldn't be any women allowed to judge who gets to be in the Mets dugout.

Everyone: Who are you?

Guest Judge: I'm tonight's Guest Judge.  Can I interest any of you in a Tootsie Pop?

Randy: Hold up.  Haven't I seen you on TV before?

Guest Judge: Yes.

Steven: You do those Just For Men commercials, right?  Not that I need Just For Men.

Randy: You don't need it because it's for men.

Steven: Dude, I'm not a lady.

Randy: Dawg, you look like one.

Steven: Well, I'm not.  Anyway, that is you in those commercials, isn't it?

Guest Judge: Yes.

J-Lo: Now I know who you are, Papi!  You're Walt "Clyde" Frazier!

Guest Judge (shaking his head): And you wonder why I think women shouldn't be allowed to judge.

Clint Hurdle: Wait, didn't I play with you on the Mets?

Guest Judge: There you go, Clintie.

Clint Hurdle: Clintie?

Guest Judge: Sorry, I forgot you go by Clint now.

Steven: We beat Clintie in '07!

Clint Hurdle: Shut up, Steven!

Randy: Oh, wait.   Now I know who you are.  You're...

Guest Judge: That's right.  I'm Keith Hernandez, legendary Mets first baseman.

J-Lo: Ha!   Legendary first baseman?  You couldn't get past first base with that chica from Seinfeld.

Keith: Miss Lo, that was a TV show and we were going by the script.

J-Lo: You can't fool me, Papi.  I wouldn't have kissed you either.

Clint Hurdle: You know what?  I don't even want this job anymore!  I'd rather manage in Pittsburgh!  Screw you guys!   I'm going home!

Steven: Thanks, Clintie.  And I say that for all of Red Sox Nation.

Clint Hurdle: Harumph!

Randy: So is there anyone left?

Steven: We have Terry Collins.

Randy: He's the guy Paul DePodesta endorses, right?

Steven: Right.

J-Lo: Endorsements?   Speaking of endorsements, have you tried my newest fragrance?  It's called...

Randy and Steven (in unison): No!

Keith: Doesn't anyone here care about hiring a manager?

J-Lo: Shut up, Walt "Clyde" Frazier!

Keith: I'm Keith Hernandez!

Randy and Steven (in unison): We know!

J-Lo: Just bring in Phil Collins already.

Keith: That's Terry Collins.

Steven: Su-su-sudio!

Randy: Sigh ... Mr. Collins, please.

Terry Collins: Thanks, Randy. I'm Terry Collins.  I've managed for six seasons in the major leagues, splitting my time between the Houston Astros and the Anaheim Angels.   In five of those six seasons, I finished with a winning record.  I'd like to bring that winning attitude back to New York.

Keith: Sir, have you ever won anything?

Terry Collins: My teams have competed for playoff spots almost every year.

Keith: But have you ever finished in first place?

Steven: My Red Sox finished in first place in 2007, when they beat out J-Lo's viejo to win the division title.

J-Lo: Joe Torre's not my old man.

Randy: I'd like to be your daddy.

Keith: Guys, guys!   You too, Steven.

Steven: Everyone's a comedian here.

Terry Collins: Um, did I mention that Paul DePodesta likes me?

Randy: I don't know, dawgs.  I guess we should hire Terry.  Every other candidate walked out on us.

Keith: That's because all of you are incompetent fools.

J-Lo: Who are you calling incontinent?

Keith: My point exactly.

Steven: Maybe we should just let the fans vote.

Randy: If Simon was still around, he'd probably throw every manager off the show.

Keith: He should do the same with the judges.

J-Lo: As long as I get my money, honey.

Randy: What's that?  Our time is up?   Sorry, fellas, but we've got to wrap things up.

J-Lo: But I haven't talked about my new fragrance.   It's called...

Keith: No fragrance is going to cover up the fact that these judges stink.

Randy: You got a problem with us, Dawg?

Keith: Did you choose a manager yet?

Randy: No.

Keith: Isn't that what you're paid to do?

J-Lo: Shut up, Walt "Clyde" Frazier!

Steven: Guys, I've got to get back on tour.  All this fighting is messing up my vocal cords.

Randy: Fine! Go!

Steven: Fine!

J-Lo: Fine!

Keith: Fine!

Randy: We're all leaving.   Let Sandy Alderson hire a new manager.   I've had it with this gig.

(Door slams shut as they all leave.  Moments later, the door opens up again to reveal an older gentleman with glasses and a salt and pepper goatee peering in cautiously.)

Jerry Manuel: Uh, hello?   Are you guys still hiring?

Broken News: Terry Collins Is Your New Scapegoat, I Mean Manager!

It hasn't been made official yet, but various sources, including David Lennon and Bob Klapisch have tweeted that Terry Collins has been selected as the new manager for the New York Mets.

Given that tomorrow is owner Fred Wilpon's 74th birthday, Sandy Alderson has given Right Said Fred an early birthday present, although Mr. Wilpon has claimed to be too sexy for his new manager.

Considering that Alderson made it clear that his preference was to sign a manager with major league experience, the managerial race was basically a two-man contest between Terry Collins and Art Howe-lite (Bob Melvin).

In Terry Collins, the Mets have a manager who led his teams (Astros, Angels) to five consecutive second place finishes from 1994-1998. However, he never won the wild card and never won more than 85 games in a season.

Then came the 1999 season, when Collins didn't finish #2, but made his players feel like #2. That was the year when Collins became vilified in Anaheim by his players.

A manager is supposed to lead his team and keep them together through good times and bad. During the 1999 season, the Angels suffered through injuries and poor play. Constant player bickering brought more tension into the clubhouse. Collins did nothing to diffuse the situation. In fact, when he started benching players left and right while word of a contract extension became public, the players demanded that Collins be removed from his position.

Under pressure from his players, Collins resigned with 29 games left in the season, finishing his last season in Anahaim with a 51-82 record.

Now Collins comes to manage a team with a recent history of injuries in a city with a huge media presence. If he loses control of this team, he may not even make it to the 133-game mark, at least in the eyes of the fans.

Second place might have been good enough for five years in Houston and Anaheim, but New York is a city that demands excellence. Davey Johnson never finished a full season below second place, yet he was run out of town in 1990. Although the Mets are not expected to do much in 2011, perhaps saving Collins if the team finishes in fourth place for a third consecutive season, Collins will be on a short leash if the Mets do not improve in 2012.

Welcome to New York, Terry Collins. It's up to you if you want the cheers to last past Opening Day.

Song Parody: "Tik Tok" Until We Know Who The New Mets Manager Is

With apologies to Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte, it appears as if we'll have to wait another 48 hours to know who will be the next Mets manager. There's been plenty of speculation as to who it will be, but no one has leaked who it will be. (Even the American Idol judges had no clue.)

Will it be Terry Collins, the man who has never managed a team to a postseason berth and was subsequently run out of Anaheim after losing the players in his clubhouse?

Will it be Bob Melvin, a nice guy from what I've heard, but who makes Art Howe look interesting?

Will it be Wally Backman, the fan-favorite, who has led the majority of his minor league and independent league teams to division titles and championships?

Or will it be someone else - someone who fans aren't expecting? The master lyricist/entertainer Ke$ha recently compsed a song that might apply to the Mets and their managerial search. With a few tweaks here and there, I have reprinted the lyrics (without permission, so don't tell anyone or else I'll be in more trouble than Francisco Rodriguez at a Peña Family Reunion) in the hopes that it will shed some new light on who the next manager of the Metropolitans should be.

Ladies and Gentle-Mets, I present to you the Studious Metsimus version of Ke$ha's "Tik Tok":


Wake up Monday morning; don't feel very giddy
Grab the paper, I check the sports; still no skipper at Citi
Gotta believe in this team; no, I'm not on crack
Just wish I knew if it was Terry, Bob or Wally Back...

They interviewed Hale and Oquendo-do
Their chances were probably low-low
'Cause Sandy knows where to go-go
He basically only considered these three
Collins, Melvin and Wally
Which one of them will it be?

Chop chop, yo, what's up?
Tell us who's runnin' the shop
Tonight, be forthright
Who's managing David Wright?
Tik tok, look at the clock
Name your man, let's hurry up
Oh, who is the new man?
Who is the new man?

Chop chop, yo, what's up?
Tell us who's runnin' the shop
Tonight, be forthright
Who's managing David Wright?
Tik tok, look at the clock
Name your man, let's hurry up
Oh, who is the new man?
Who is the new man?

Ain't got a clue who it is, so don't know if I'll cheer
When Sandy tells us who our manager will be next year
Collins and Melvin are okay, but they both lack that swagger
The kind that Wally would infuse if the Mets showed a stagger

Wally wouldn't take anybody's junk-junk
None of his players have stunk-stunk
He'd smack 'em if they played like punks-punks
So Sandy, it's not hard to figure out-out
I don't even need to shout-shout
Put Wally in the dugout-out
Put Wally in!

Chop chop, yo, what's up?
Tell us who's runnin' the shop
Tonight, be forthright
Who's managing David Wright?
Tik tok, look at the clock
Name your man, let's hurry up
Oh, who is the new man?
Who is the new man?

Chop chop, yo, what's up?
Tell us who's runnin' the shop
Tonight, be forthright
Who's managing David Wright?
Tik tok, look at the clock
Name your man, let's hurry up
Oh, who is the new man?
Who is the new man?

Build this team up
So it won't fall down
My heart still pounds
For Wally!

Time's almost up
Make your choice now
Mets will rebound
With Wally!

Not Moneyball,
But Wally Ball.
Play Wally Ball!

Now with Wally on board, the Mets will win!

Chop chop, yo, what's up?
Make sure Wally runs the shop
Tonight, be forthright
Wally's ready for David Wright.
Tik tok, look at the clock
Promote Wally to the top
Oh, who is the new man?
Who is the new man?

Chop chop, yo, what's up?
Make sure Wally runs the shop
Tonight, be forthright
Wally's ready for David Wright.
Tik tok, look at the clock
Promote Wally to the top
Oh, who is the new man?
Who is the new man?

American Idol Judges Choose Next Mets Manager

The Mets have interviewed a number of internal and external candidates in the hopes of finding a new manager to replace the departed Jerry Manuel. There have been many rumors and speculation about who that man will be. New Mets GM Sandy Alderson has stated that he would like the new manager in place within the next few weeks, but has given no word as to who he's leaning towards as his choice.

So who should be the next Mets manager? There are many candidates, but only one will be the next manager. Perhaps we should have the judges at American Idol handle the interviews, since they are "experts" at deciding who in America has talent. Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler, the floor is all yours.


Randy: Who's our first candidate?

Steven: I believe it's Bob Melvin.

Randy: Mr. Melvin.

Bob Melvin: Hi, I'm Bob Melvin. I've managed the Seattle Mariners and the Arizona Diamondbacks, winning 93 games in 2003, which was my first season in Seattle, and 90 games for Arizona in 2007. In fact, when my Diamondbacks finished 90-72 in '07, that represented the best overall record in the National League.

J-Lo: I like that team, the Diamondbacks. You know, I've got back too, and it's worth more than a diamond.

Randy: Sweet sassy molassy, girl!

Bob Melvin: I don't know what that means, but did I get the job?

Steven: We'll get back to you. Right now, I want to talk about Jennifer's back.

Randy: That's a lot of back. Speaking of back, our next candidate is Wally Backman.

Steven: Actually, I heard he's no longer a candidate.

J-Lo: Why not? I remember liking him when I was a Fly Girl.

Randy: You're still fly, girl.

J-Lo: Ay, Papi!

Steven: We can continue this discussion later, but right now let's talk about Joe Torre. He's had an incredible managerial career, winning four championships with the Bronx Bombers and then leading the Dodgers to consecutive NLCS appearances.

J-Lo: Did you say Bronx Bombers? You know, I'm from the Bronx. I'm from the block.

Steven: Which block is that?

J-Lo: You know, Papi. The block. The one right off the 6 train.

Randy: You can pull into my stop anytime.

Steven: Randy, we're discussing managers here.

J-Lo: Who's managing the Yankees now? Isn't it that Joe Hibachi guy?

Steven: Joe Girardi.

Randy: I could go for some hibachi right now.

J-Lo: Whatever, Papi. Yeah, that's who the Mets should get. Joe Torre is kind of a viejo right now.

Randy: What's a viejo?

J-Lo: An old man. What is he, like 50 now?

Steven: He's 70. Actually, I'm 62. Does that make me a viejo?

J-Lo: Whatever, Steven. I know what you're trying to do. You just want me to stop talking about Joe Torre because his teams always beat up on your Red Sox.

Steven: We took care of that in 2004. I remember that year so well. In fact, I was just reminiscing about that season the other day with my fellow Red Sox fan, Ben Affleck.

J-Lo: Don't even go there, Steven.

Steven: Why? Still bitter about Gigli?

J-Lo: Steven!

Steven: Or the fact that he found a better woman who actually cared about the Red Sox?

J-Lo: Steven! Don't make me show you the Bronx!

Steven: Who are you? J-Lo or Bobby Bo?

Randy: Ladies, ladies, ladies. Please stop fighting! We're trying to choose a manager here.

Steven: Dude, do I look like a lady?

Randy: Well, now that you mention it...

Clint Hurdle: Guys, I'm ready. Can I come out now?

Steven: See, Clint Hurdle knows I'm a guy.

J-Lo: Did he call me a guy too? He's fired!

Randy: Fired? We haven't even hired him yet, dawg.

J-Lo: Dawg? Oh, so you think I'm a b...

Clint Hurdle: Maybe I should come back some other time.

Steven: No, Clint. Stay. Tell us what you've got.

Clint Hurdle: Well, I managed the Colorado Rockies from 2002 to 2009 and led them to their first ever World Series appearance in 2007.

Steven: Where you were swept by my Red Sox. Ga-ga-ga-ga-GOW!!

Clint Hurdle: Is that why you wanted me to stay? To make fun of me for losing the World Series to Boston? You know, I also know the Mets organization, having played for them in the '80s and managed in their minor league system.

J-Lo: That viejo Torre also played for and managed the Mets.

Clint Hurdle: What's your point?

J-Lo: Well, he ain't getting no Mets job, so why should you?

Clint Hurdle: Why is Joe Torre's past relevant to my candidacy? What do you even know about baseball, Ms. Lopez?

Guest Judge: I've been saying it all along. There shouldn't be any women allowed to judge who gets to be in the Mets dugout.

Everyone: Who are you?

Guest Judge: I'm tonight's Guest Judge. Can I interest any of you in a Tootsie Pop?

Randy: Haven't I seen you on TV before?

Guest Judge: Yes.

Steven: You do those Just For Men commercials, right? Not that I need Just For Men.

Randy: You don't need it because it's for men.

Steven: Dude, I'm not a lady.

Randy: Dawg, you look like one.

Steven: Well, I'm not. Anyway, that is you in those commercials, isn't it?

Guest Judge: Yes.

J-Lo: Now I know who you are, Papi! You're Walt "Clyde" Frazier!

Guest Judge (shaking his head): And you wonder why I think women shouldn't be allowed to judge.

Clint Hurdle: Wait, didn't I play with you on the Mets?

Guest Judge: There you go, Clintie.

Clint Hurdle: Clintie?

Guest Judge: Sorry, I forgot you go by Clint now.

Steven: We beat Clintie in '07!

Clint Hurdle: Shut up, Steven!

Randy: Oh, wait. Now I know who you are. You're...

Guest Judge: That's right. I'm Keith Hernandez, legendary Mets first baseman.

J-Lo: Ha! Legendary first baseman? You couldn't get past first base with that chica from Seinfeld.

Keith: Miss Lo, that was a TV show and we were going by the script.

J-Lo: You can't fool me, Papi. I wouldn't have kissed you either.

Clint Hurdle: You know what? I don't even want this job anymore! I'd rather manage in Pittsburgh! Screw you guys! I'm going home!

Steven: Thanks, Clintie. And I say that for all of Red Sox Nation.

Clint Hurdle: Harumph!

Randy: So is there anyone left?

Steven: We have Terry Collins.

Randy: He's the guy Paul DePodesta endorses, right?

Steven: Right.

J-Lo: Endorsements? Speaking of endorsements, have you tried my newest fragrance? It's called...

Randy and Steven (in unison): No!

Keith: Doesn't anyone here care about hiring a manager?

J-Lo: Shut up, Walt "Clyde" Frazier!

Keith: I'm Keith Hernandez!

Randy and Steven (in unison): We know!

J-Lo: Just bring in Phil Collins already.

Keith: Terry Collins.

Steven: Su-su-sudio!

Randy: Sigh...Mr. Collins, please.

Terry Collins: Thanks, Randy. I'm Terry Collins. I've managed for six seasons in the major leagues, splitting my time between the Houston Astros and the Anaheim Angels. In five of those six seasons, I finished with a winning record. I'd like to bring that winning attitude back to New York.

Keith: Sir, have you ever won anything?

Terry Collins: My teams have competed for playoff spots almost every year.

Keith: But have you ever finished in first place?

Steven: My Red Sox finished in first place in 2007, when they beat out J-Lo's viejo to win the division title.

J-Lo: Joe Torre's not my old man.

Randy: I'd like to be your daddy.

Keith: Guys, guys. You too, Steven.

Steven: Everyone's a comedian here.

Terry Collins: Um, did I mention that Paul DePodesta likes me?

Randy: I don't know, dawgs. I guess we should hire Terry. Every other candidate walked out on us.

Keith: That's because all of you are incompetent fools.

J-Lo: Who are you calling incontinent?

Keith: My point exactly.

Steven: Maybe we should just let the fans vote.

Randy: If Simon was still around, he'd probably throw every manager off the show.

Keith: He should do the same with the judges.

J-Lo: As long as I get my money, honey.

Randy: What's that? Our time is up? Sorry, fellas, but we've got to wrap things up.

J-Lo: But I haven't talked about my new fragrance. It's called...

Keith: No fragrance is going to cover up the fact that these judges stink.

Randy: You got a problem with us, Dawg?

Keith: Did you choose a manager yet?

Randy: No.

Keith: Isn't that what you're paid to do?

J-Lo: Shut up, Walt "Clyde" Frazier!

Steven: Guys, I've got to get back on tour. All this fighting is messing up my vocal cords.

Randy: Fine! Go!

Steven: Fine!

J-Lo: Fine!

Keith: Fine!

Randy: We're all leaving. Let Sandy Alderson hire a new manager. I've had it with this gig.

(Door slams shut as they all leave. Moments later, the door opens up again to reveal an older gentleman with glasses and a salt and pepper goatee peering in cautiously.)

Jerry Manuel: Uh, hello? Are you guys still hiring?