Mets Song Parody: Everybody's Hurt

If you were a Mets fan in 1992 and 1993, then you were a follower of "The Worst Team Money Could Buy" and the only triple-digit loss Mets team in the last half century.  If you were an alternative music fan in 1992 and 1993, then you probably stayed up to watch Kennedy host Alternative Nation on MTV.  That also means you were familiar with R.E.M. and their album, "Automatic For The People".

Before the band asked Kenneth for the frequency and after they lost their religion, R.E.M. released a single called "Everybody Hurts".  The accompanying music video depicted motorists in a traffic jam, alone with their thoughts until they decided to walk away from a situation that wasn't going anywhere.

The 2017 Mets have started slowly.  Unlike the last two seasons, when the Mets rolled off long winning streaks in April, this year's model is already 4½ games behind the first-place Nationals and struggling just to make it back to .500,  That's not the team's only struggle, as the team is being forced to deal with every injury known to mankind.

A quarter century ago, people walked away from a traffic jam as a popular R.E.M. song was playing in the background.  Today, no one's walking away without a walking boot attached to whichever body part is ailing them.  That's because on the 2017 Mets, everybody's hurt.  And not even a song parody is going to get them back on the field.  If only it could, though.  If only it could...

Mets fans will never be shiny, happy people as long as Ray Ramirez is the team's head trainer.  (SNY screen shot)

When your season's long
And the Nats, the Nats are in first alone
When injuries just pile up
And the limbs won't hang on

Don't let yourself go
Or your career will die
Everybody's hurt ... all the time

Sometimes a muscle isn't strong
And your D.L. stint is long
When your hamstring feels blown (you're gone, you're gone)
Ray Ramirez makes himself known (you're gone)
If you think you've felt his touch
Or his scythe, then you're gone 

Everybody's hurt
Discomfort never ends
Everybody's hurt

Don't cut your hand, oh no
Don't cut your hand
If you see protruding bones
No, no, no, your year's postponed

If you ache and moan, here's advice
The trainer's got to go
When you've torn your rotator cuff, and he tries
To splint your toe

Yeah, everybody's hurt all the time
Every career dies
Everybody's hurt ... all the time
Yeah, everybody's hurt

You're gone, you're gone, you're gone, you're gone...
Everybody's hurt...




 

Song Parody: Tulo Hits, He Fits

Wouldn't Troy Tulowitzki be a hit if he found a fit in orange and blue?  (Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Have you checked the interwebs these days?  Especially #MetsTwitter on (ahem) Twitter?  It's impossible to find a Mets fan who doesn't have an opinion on current Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki.

"Trade for Tulo," some fans say, noting that he would be an upgrade over the current Flores/Tejada two-headed monster.

"Get someone else," other fans say, knowing that Tulowitzki has an injury history and would cost the Mets an arm, a leg, a kidney, an appendix and a Syndergaard, at the very least.

"Keep Tejada.  He hit five homers last year", says absolutely no one.

Needless to say, everyone has an opinion on the Mets' shortstop situation, and most of those opinions include one Troy Trever Tulowitzki.  Even if he misses a month or four per season, he'd still probably put up better offensive numbers than Wilben Flojada.  (Or was that Rumer Teres?)

And what about that Coors Field factor?  Well, Tulowitzki has played 480 contests away from Denver's thin air - approximately three full seasons worth of games - and has posted a .274 batting average, .469 slugging percentage and .818 OPS in those affairs.  Only nine players have ever posted an OPS higher than .818 while wearing a Mets uniform (Olerud, Piazza, Strawberry, Wright, Beltran, Delgado, Bonilla, Floyd, Ventura).  Tulowitzki would be right up there with them.  And that's only considering what he's done away from Coors Field.

So basically, as long as he's healthy, Troy Tulowitzki would have a chance to become one of the best hitters in Mets history.  His offense is clearly needed on the 2015 squad.  Tulo hits.  And he most certainly fits.  And New York is where he should set up shop in 2015.

So in honor of the "bat man" the Mets truly need, I'd like to share a song parody of a ditty originally performed by a former "bat boy".  The song "2 Legit 2 Quit" was a top-five smash in 1991 for former A's bat boy Hammer, who had dropped the "M.C." from his stage name by then.  Hammer didn't know it back then, but almost a quarter century later, his song would serve as the basis for a rallying cry - a cry penned by yours truly in the hopes that the Mets will go all out to acquire the premier offensive shortstop in the National League.  And naturally, that rallying cry had to be called "Tulo Hits, He Fits".



Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!

Mets going on a shortstop quest
Now don't quit (no!), get the best
Ardor (yeah!), Sandy never showed before
In bettering the team, especially its core
He don't mind (mind!) if you think that he's fakin' it
A shortstop bind that he'll fix, no mistakin' it today
(No!) 'Cause Sandy don't play that
He's watching his guy, Troy, not having setbacks
Please (please!), we've got no one
He hustles, he's got muscle, he's all we need, son
Sandy's going for the guy he can get
Startin' at the top, 'cause Tulo hits, he fits!  (Cha-ching!)

Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Hey, hey!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Heyyyyy!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Tulo hits!)
Tulo hits!

When he feels right, most don't even play him close
He hits a jack, he rounds the sacks, and then the pitcher's toast
He's got that power, he flexes every hour
The pitchers all shake, they all get devoured
The fans are enthused, baseballs are abused
Competitors petition to change all the rules
Schoolin' the game, the man is insane
Not ashamed I gotta say this, Tulo's going for Fame
Unchained, no one's better, even flashes some leather
Tulo is the tops when he keeps it all together
So roll with this guy, his physique doesn't quit
Now's the time, cause Tulo hits, he fits!  (Bang!)

Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Hey, hey!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Hey, hey!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Tulo hits!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!

Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Hey, hey!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Heyyyyy!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Tulo hits!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!

Get him this winter, he'll make the Mets a winner
Hits away from Coors, not just where air's thinner (word!)
He's not a noob, he's tried and true
Revitalize fan interest (yo!), just bring him through
We're through (Talk!), we've had it with the strife
Ready for postseason, so believe the hype
So get him (Get him!) or you're gonna regret it
'Cause the day you missed him is the day you lose the pennant
Troy reminds me of the best in history
Breakin' records, gettin' all the glory
We're so ready, we're ready for it
Hey, you!  Come through!  'Cause Tulo, he fits!  (Bang!)

Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Hey, hey!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Hey, hey!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Tulo hits!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!

Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!

Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!
Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!
Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!
Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!  Get Troy!

So people, don't admit defeat
We've waited long, to win the NL East
Daily (every day!), we ask for moves
Something to improve, make the team more cool
So we pray (Yo!), that Tulo can play
We used to feed the bottom, Troy can lead today
Oh yeah!  I know he fits!
He'll get us to the top, cause Tulo hits, he fits!  (Say it!)

Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Hey, hey!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Hey, hey!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits!  (Tulo hits!)
Tulo hits!  Tulo hits, he fits...

Song Parody: "Been Caught Stealing" (My Blog Post)

Photo by Suzanne Bird/QMI Agency

If you've been following us on Facebook and Twitter (and if you haven't, it won't be held against you ... much), you may have noticed a little problem we had recently with someone who thought one of our recent blog posts was so interesting, he had to copy and paste it onto another site as his own work.

The "author" in question is Luis Tejeda, and the piece he wrote as his own was one originally posted here on Studious Metsimus (and later brought over to Mets Merized Online by yours truly).  For the record, the owner of the site Tejeda "wrote" the blog for, MLB Nation, did take the piece down after they were notified by our Gal For All Seasons of the purloined post.  (We'd also like to thank Greg Prince, of Faith and Fear in Flushing fame, for notifying us about the plagiarizing pilferer.)  In addition, all of Tejeda's posts have been removed from the site, as a quick Google search let us know.

Yes, we received an apology from MLB Nation, but we just had to get in the last (non-plagiarized) word.  And what better way to do it than with a song parody.

In 1990, Jane's Addiction put out an album called "Ritual De Lo Habitual", that featured the song "Been Caught Stealing".   If that's not a perfect song to parody for this situation, then we don't know what is.  For the record, the original lyrics to the song were written by Perry Farrell and Eric Avery.  We can't forget to give credit where credit is due, right, Mr. Tejeda?

Here's our version of "Been Caught Stealing".  The original video is posted underneath our revised lyrics for your viewing pleasure.  Enjoy!


You've been caught stealing
Words you plagiarized
You enjoyed stealing 
Just to further your craft
Well, you're just a piece of crap
When you write something and you don't want to give credit
Just don't write anymore
Just don't write anymore
Hey, I mind
You plagiarized
What's mine - the words are mine!

Hey!

Yeah, my words you latched to
Didn't think it would hurt
But you're lower than dirt
By you not crediting me
Well, it's you that has no tact
Cause you wrote something and you gave me no credit
Just don't write anymore
Don't write anymore
Hey, I mind
You plagiarized
What's mine - the words are mine!

Just go!

Tejeda's dumb, dumb dummy, dumb, dumb, dumb
Tejeda's dumb, dumb dummy, dumb
Tejeda's dumb, dumb dummy, dumb, dumb, dumb
Tejeda's dumb, dumb dummy, dumb
So, so dumb

MLB Nation
Had a problem
Had a problem named
Luis Tejeda
He's a no good, filthy rat
Cause he stole from me and he gave me no credit
He can't write anymore
Can't write anymore
Hey, I mind
You plagiarized
What's mine, mine, mine, mine
Mine, mine, mine
All mine, all mine
It's mine!