For many years, I have been patrolling the streets of Gotham City. Wrongdoers tremble at the sound of my name. Criminals cannot hide from me because I lurk behind every shadow. If you commit a crime in my city, I will find the smallest piece of evidence to incriminate you.
You may know me as the Caped Crusader, the Dark Knight or simply the Batman. I am universally known as the world's greatest detective. On occasion, I've been told I resemble Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney and most recently, Christian Bale. I can understand the latter three, but seriously. Do you think I resemble the guy who played Mr. Mom?
What you don't know about me is that I love baseball. It doesn't take the world's greatest detective to figure out that I secretly had a passion for the game as a child. You really didn't think I was inspired by a flying bat? No, my first love was the National Pastime. I was a batboy for the New York Mets in the 1980s. Handling the lumber of great hitters like Darryl Strawberry, Gary Carter and Keith Hernandez instilled the love of bats into my psyche. It was there that I knew I was destined to become the Batman.
I'm now presented with the greatest mystery I've faced in my career. I've been hired by my former childhood employers to find the Mets' missing offense. Unfortunately, I'll be tackling this case alone as Robin was forced to go to summer school because he kept falling asleep during his finals due to his late-night patrols with me. The principal was suspicious when we tried to lay the "watching Conan O'Brien" excuse.
I've looked everywhere for the missing offense. I have failed to locate it. I did not find it in the batting cages. I did not find it in Howard Johnson's office. However, I did find a freshly made Shake Shack burger on his desk which I confiscated for further tasting, I mean testing.
This case may keep me up for quite a while. Perhaps if I travel incognito with the team to Washington, we may have a breakthrough there. I will keep you posted on my progress. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a look at that burger. To the Bite Cave...oh, you know what I mean!