Welcome to tonight's edition of ZCB News. I'm Joey Beartran. Now listen to my news.
Much has been made of the Sports Illustrated article in which the Mets were picked to win this year's World Series. We sent a ZCB reporter out to SI headquarters for an interview with the author, but that reporter was turned aside. Apparently, the author of the article has developed carpal tunnel syndrome and has been placed on the disabled list.
Johan Santana has received a ten day suspension from Major League Baseball for doctoring the baseball. Apparently, the home plate umpire found a foreign substance underneath his cap. Upon further investigation, he realized it was chipotle sauce. Despite Johan's protests, the umpire did not believe that CC Sabathia put it there.
Omar Minaya is in hot water with his wife. Upon returning from Atlanta, he did not report home until this afternoon. When confronted by his wife, he claimed to have gone from the airport to a pawn shop, where he stayed for a few hours. Mrs. Minaya immediately knew his story must have been a fabrication. After all, how many people spend that much time in a pawn shop if they're not going to make a trade?
Now, we move on to J'onn J'onzz, Martian Manhunter and charter member of the Justice League of America, with today's sports report. J'onn...
Thank you, Joey. Last night, the New York Metropolitan Baseball Team was defeated in battle by the Brave Team from Atlanta. The Brave Team did a better job of hitting the white sphere than the Metropolitan Team did. As a result, they tallied more runs and were victorious. I'm not exactly sure what the rules of baseball are. I'm from Mars. We used to play games like T'ddly-W'nks and Pong. However, I must say that this Brave Team intrigues me. I assume their name derives from their bravery, which would make them perfect auxiliary members of the Justice League. I have also heard rumors that various members of the New York Metropolitan Baseball Team have been injured in previous battles. I would attempt to use my healing powers on them but my contract at WZCB prevents any outside use of my powers other than for sportscasting. Therefore, they're on their own. Back to you, Joey.
Thank you, J'onn. Now we move on to Flyboy with tonight's weather. Take it away, Flyboy...
Thank you, Joey. You look delicious this evening. Tonight's forecast: It will be dark. Dark as my heart is now that blood has stopped circulating through it. There will be a slight breeze keeping things relatively cool. Of course, that breeze will increase in speed as it passes through the holes in my body caused by those bullet holes when the neighbor tried to shoot me in the head. I'm glad his LASIK surgery is next week instead of this week or else my replacement would have had to start a week early. Back to you, you scumptious morsel of a bear.
Um, thank you for your pleasant weather report, Flyboy. Is there any reason why you didn't have a five-day forecast for our viewers? What was that? You don't care because you probably would have decomposed by then? Okay, valid point. We can always count on you to be the logical one of our broadcast team.
On that note, that brings an end to tonight's newscast. I'm Joey Beartran and I'd like to invite you to join us next time. Until then, we hope you enjoy your evening and wake up re-...
Flyboy, we're still on the air. Keep it down!
Ahem. Until then, we hope you enjoy your evening and wake up refleshed, I mean REFRESHED! Stupid undead weatherman!