Joey's Soapbox: Cole Hamels, Spanish Nicknames, Where's The Cake?

Welcome to the first installment of Joey's Soapbox, where I'll get up on my soapbox and share anything on my mind. I'm a Mets bear, so I'm sure it'll be all about the Mets. If there's a mention of cake, that's because I haven't been fed yet.

Allow me to introduce myself to those who don't know me. I'm Joey. I've been told that I resemble the anchorman of ZCB News, Joey Beartran. There might be some resemblance, but I'm definitely the cuter one. If there are spelling errors in this blog, please remember that I don't have fingers. I have paws. It's much harder to type with paws. It's even harder to hit the spellcheck button, so bear with me (no pun intended).

Time to get up on the soapbox. Give me a minute as I'm only fifteen inches tall and that's one big soapbox!

Cole Hamels

Why is Cole Hamels all over my TV set? He's in an ad for New Era caps where he's visited on the mound at Dodger Stadium by a man who looks like a Phillies coach. After the man gives Hamels a talk, Hamels responds with an odd stare followed by his one line of dialogue: "Who are you?" followed by a quick reveal that the coach is actually a Phillies fan dressed in Phillies gear and a New Era cap. How long do you think Hamels practiced his line? I'll bet he missed a start just to be sure he had the three words memorized perfectly.

Also, Colbert (since that's his full first name) appears in an ad for ESPN The Magazine with fellow athletes Jameer Nelson and Chad Ochocinco. Apparently, Colbert didn't rehearse for this spot as much as he did for the New Era ad. His delivery was monotonic and he sounded like he had the World Series trophy up his @$$. If you must give speaking lines to Hamels, please make the commerical in the style of a silent movie. Better yet, don't give him any lines. He'll just choke on them. And yes, I said it. I called Colbert an ad choker. I guess this blog is going up on the bulletin board of his green room.

Spanish Nicknames

I mentioned Chad Ochocinco before. His new last name is Spanish for the digits of his uniform number for the Cincinnati Bengals, 8 and 5. It got me thinking of other Spanish nicknames, especially ones used by current and former baseball players.

We have Big Papi (David Ortiz), El Duque (Orlando Hernandez), El Presidente (Dennis Martinez), and El Toro (Fernando Valenzuela). I've even heard fans of Carlos Beltran refer to him as El Guapo (the handsome one), but when I think of El Guapo, I think of the villain from the Three Amigos movie.

I think the Mets should acquire Carlos Lee and Manny Ramirez. I'm not saying that because they would give the team two genuine home run threats. I'm saying it because of their nicknames. Carlos Lee is known throughout baseball as El Caballo (the horse) and Manny Ramirez is known by me as El Cabello (the hair). If we team them up with Cowbell Man, the Mets could boast El Caballo, El Cabello and El Cowbell-o. Imagine the marketing department having fun with that one!

Where's The Cake?

It's no secret that I am a fan of cake. I will eat it anytime, anywhere. Therefore, it should come to no one's surprise that I was unhappy when Citi Field unveiled their food choices and cake was not one of the menu options.

Fans can get food from Mama's of Corona, El Verano Taqueria, Blue Smoke and Box Frites. They have an abundance of food to please everyone's palates. Do any of these places have cake? NO! Even Shake Shack has frozen custard. Couldn't they add a cake selection as well? Cake goes with custard, doesn't it? Is it too much to ask for to have a Cake Shack near the Shake Shack, even if it's a small annex?

The Wilpons spent too much of their money on their Brooklyn Dodgers tributes and not enough on players and food for their bear fans.


Final Thoughts

Cole Hamels: Stick to pitching on the mound, not pitching products on my TV set.

Spanish Nicknames: Las cucarachas entran, pero no pueden salir.

Where's The Cake?: No final thoughts here. I have my mouth full. Thank God for Entenmann's!