Beltran vs. Kobayashi: Wiener Takes All!

Carlos Beltran recently held a press conference thanking Cyclones fans for the love and support he received in Brooklyn during his rehab stint. To thank them, he announced a charity event where he would challenge World Champion Competitive Eater Takeru Kobayashi to a hot dog eating contest. Beltran was even photographed taunting Kobayashi at the official weigh-in (as seen in the Associated Press photo, above left).

Kobayashi accepted the challenge, feeling glad that he didn't have to go up against his main competition, Joey Chestnut.

The stage was set after the latest Cyclones game. However, there would be one change made to the contest, as per Omar Minaya. Kobayashi would be required to eat regular sized Nathan's Famous Franks while Don Carlos would be eating Nathan's Gummi Hot Dogs (see photo below).


The Kobayashi Kamp was furious at the development, but Minaya insisted on the change. He had been waiting for Beltran's return for nearly three months and was not going to let indigestion slow his return to the Mets. Plus, it was for charity. It was not going to be televised nationally on ESPN. Kobayashi was relieved when he was told that not even Studious Metsimus could get their cameras into the event. (He was lied to. We did. We're so evil like that.)

The contest began with Kobayashi scarfing down 10 hot dogs while Beltran was still having trouble opening the bag of gummi wieners. Frustrated at the unfortunate circumstances, Beltran was overheard saying:

"Why aren't these bags already open for me? Do they make Kamasutra boil his hot dogs himself before he eats them?"

Note: Studious Metsimus apologizes to the readers for what might be considered an off-color remark by Carlos Beltran. We know that Takeru's last name is Kobayashi, not Kamasutra. However, we are dedicated to being a serious site and will not alter anyone's quotes, even for the sake of political correctness. We have our integrity to uphold.

After some tense moments, the bag was opened, but not before the judges ruled that it was not against the competition's rules to have outside help in the opening of the bag. Therefore, thanks to the assistance of his eating manager, fluffy comedian Gabriel Iglesias (see photo left), Beltran began eating his gummies, sometimes by the handful in order to catch up to Kobayashi.

With seconds to spare, Beltran decided to make his move. He tried the hidden bun trick on Kobayashi. This is where Beltran adds another bun to his competitor's plate in the hopes that he eats it without noticing that there is no hot dog inside of it.

Well, (hot)doggone it if it didn't work! At the end of the competition, Beltran had eaten 55 gummi wieners to tie the 55 hot dogs that Kobayashi consumed. It appeared that the competition would be declared a draw between the two participants.

However, the judges noticed that Kobayashi had eaten 55 buns, not 55 hot dogs. He had only eaten 54 hot dogs, one short of the total number of gummi wieners eaten by Beltran. This caused obvious disappointment in the Kobayashi Kamp (see photo above right).

Therefore, due to the unfortunate "miscalculation" on Kobayashi's part, Beltran was proclaimed the winner of the charity event. For his accomplishment, he was given the coveted Mustard Belt and a lifetime supply of Nathan's beer battered onion rings.












Carlos Beltran has just about completed his rehab assignment in Brooklyn. If all goes well, he will make his return to the Mets next week during the series against the Florida Marlins at Citi Field. His Coney Island experience has included stops at Keyspan Park and Nathan's Famous Franks. All that's left is for him to ride the Cyclone and his visit will be complete.

However, I do have a word of advice to Don Carlos. Leave the Mustard Belt at home. You don't want to be knocked unconscious by it as you go up and down the famous wooden roller coaster. The Mets still haven't had a "disabled by bulky belt" transaction this year. We don't need you to be the first.

Special thanks to Efrain Rivera and Jason Bornstein for suggesting this topic. The readers can thank them for it, as does Studious Metsimus. Here's a Carlos Beltran bobblehead (sponsored by Nathan's of course) to thank you for your suggestions!

Phillies Happier About Mets Failures Than Their Own Successes

It's not enough for the Phillies to win a championship. They have to continue to shove it down the throats of Mets fans. I was looking for photos of Pedro Martinez in a Phillies jersey to include in a blog I was going to write about him and his great start for the city of Brotherly Hate. Instead I came across this website that sells their team merchandise. The page says that it's for Phillies World Series ring T-shirts. If you scan through the listings on the page, you'll find no such shirt, but you will find more shirts insulting the Mets and their fans than you'll find shirts praising the Phillies.

They even advertise the recent unassissted triple play turned by Eric Bruntlett against the Mets on a T-shirt, as seen on this link. They actually think a single play against a fourth-place team should be immortalized on a shirt. Do you think when they beat out the Marlins and the Braves for the division title this year, we'll be seeing shirts insulting them? No! It'll all be about the fact that they beat the Mets in the division.

If our fellow Mets fans were as classless as Phillies fans are, they would be proudly wearing T-shirts proclaiming the Phillies as the losingest team in baseball history or perhaps something featuring a design based on the photo shown here that Studious Metsimus fully approves:

I was just starting out as a baseball fan in 1980 when the Phillies won their only other championship. I don't recall any ill will or animosity towards the Mets then. The city reveled in their championship back then, as fans of any team should. The Mets won the World Series in 1986 and we celebrated our title without feeling the need to rub it in the noses of our competition.

I guess the Phillies and their fans are so accustomed to losing that even when they win, they have to be losers. The Mets and their fans will move on. We root for our team through good times and bad. The Phillies mean nothing to us.

The Phillies and their fans should stop focusing their attention on their rearview mirrors to look for the Mets and our fans. If they continue to do so, they might not notice what's on the road in front of them.

Separated At Birth: David Wright & Dark Helmet

David Wright returned to the Mets tonight, armed with his dangerous bat and his super-sized batting helmet. Keith Hernandez did not hide his distaste for the new protective chapeaus. He spent the first three innings of tonight's Mets-Rockies tilt giving the viewers his analysis of how the new batting helmets almost made him lose his appetite for Tootsie Pops.

Although the new protective headgear did look odd on David, it also looked awfully familiar. In fact, maybe these pictures will jar my memory a little:










Of course! The new helmets have been around since the 1980s! They were originally seen in the movie "Spaceballs". Rick Moranis wore the helmet in his role as the appropriately named Dark Helmet in the 1987 film, not that wearing it did him much good.

It's not the first time Rick Moranis has influenced a David Wright decision. Three years before "Spaceballs", he starred in "Ghostbusters", where the heroes were told "not to cross the streams" when combatting ectoplasmic poltergeists. It looks like David had no problems crossing streams with his mortal enemy, Derek Jeter, in this picture.

Rick Moranis and David Wright. No one has ever seen them in the same room. Separated at birth? Hey, stranger things have happened. Unfortunately, most of those things have taken place for members of the 2009 Mets. Welcome back, David!

DOs And DON'Ts For David

David Wright has been activated from the disabled list after spending the past two weeks there due to the old "fastball to the head" trick performed by Giants' pitcher Matt Cain. The failed trick gave Wright a concussion and sent him to the disabled list for the first time in his six-year career with the Mets.

Jerry Manuel will be cautious with his star player. He will play him every other day for the time being until Wright shows that his rhythm is back.

Wright must be very careful not to re-injure himself as concussions are nothing to be laughed at. Just ask former Met Ryan Church or John Rocker. I mean, all you have to do is look at John Rocker and you can see just how devastating the effects of a concussion can be.


Studious Metsimus would like to offer some advice to David. This "to do" list and "to don't" list for David will help him succeed upon his return to the lineup and will prevent him from injuring himself again. If you're reading, David, I hope you're paying close attention.

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Do celebrate with your teammates after they do well. Whether you celebrate with a congratulatory high-five or pat on the booty, this will show your appreciation of your teammates in a fun way and will build chemistry in the clubhouse.



Don't celebrate by choking the life out of each other. The Mets now have a no-choke clubhouse. The team should abide by the new rules and regulations. Besides, choking went out of style after the Yankees did it for four games in October 2004.

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Do come to bat and take your position on the field with a smile. If you look like you're enjoying your job, then you will be more relaxed. A relaxed David is a productive David. Relaxation is key to not aggravating symptoms of a concussion.


Don't make faces at the opposition, even if they are division rivals, unless if it's the Lollipop Guild (Jimmy Rollins and Shane "The Cryin' Hawaiian" Victorino). If you look like you're making fun of the team in the other dugout, they might take you out with a hard slide at third base.

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Do show off your sweet dance moves. Make Napoleon Dynamite jealous. Dancing is a good cardiovascular workout that will help the blood flow throughout the body. The more blood that gets to the brain, the healthier mind you will have. Healthy mind and body leads to healthy seasons on the field. Plus, you can register for "So You Think You Can Dance" so you can do something during the offseason.

Don't take up breakdancing. Ever. In fact, don't do anything that has the word "break" in it. That includes breakfast and bathroom breaks. Just have an early lunch and hold it in until then.

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Do show love for your equipment. These are your everyday tools that will give you success on the field. Just like plants, love makes them flourish. Of course, please watch out for splinters.

Don't show your bromance with Paul LoDuca on or off the field, no matter how many nineteen year olds he can introduce you to. The bromance and the comely co-eds will do nothing but distract you.

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Do your flying as close to the ground as possible. Higher elevations can affect concussions negatively due to the thinner air. It's best to stay as grounded as possible.

Don't join the Mile High Club. Because of your concussion, you might think you're up there with a beautiful woman but when you land, you'll realize that you were with Sloth from the Goonies instead.
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Do wear as much protection as you can on your head. Keith Hernandez might not like the new "pinhead" batting helmets, but in your case, any extra protection should be welcome.

Don't ever take pictures wearing scrubs again! It's bad enough we had to be without you for two weeks because Matt Cain decided to pick you out of the audience for his "fastball to the head" trick. We never want to see you in hospital attire again! Thanks for coming back to the Mets so soon and good luck for the rest of the season!

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The Very Late Recap: April 15, 2009

Studious Metsimus hasn't been around too long, so unfortunately, there have been games that could not be recapped for this site. We are doing our best to provide thorough Mets coverage for our SMFs. Therefore, we will take advantage of today's off-day in the Mets' schedule and present you with the recap of the April 15 victory over the Padres. It will be written as if the game was just played tonight. Enjoy!

The Mets played their second game at Citi Field tonight, after dropping the home opener two nights ago by the score of 6-5. Tonight's result was far better than Monday's, as the Mets showed why they are one of the best hitting teams in baseball with excellent starting pitching to boot!

Oliver Perez showed why he was worth his three-year, $36 million deal by shutting down the Padres in his six innings of work, giving up only one run and three hits, while walking only two and striking out four. He needed only 90 pitches to get through his night, showing how far he's come as a pitcher. Who needs Derek Lowe when the Mets can send out Ollie every fifth day?

The big four of Reyes, Beltran, Delgado and Wright all contributed to the offensive explosion. The always-healthy foursome combined to reach base nine times (five hits, four walks) and gave the Padres all sorts of problems.

The scoring began in the fourth inning when the Mets loaded the bases with no outs for Beltran, who proceeded to line an RBI single to plate the first run and keep the bases loaded for Gary Sheffield. Sheff grounded into a double play, which scored the second run of the inning. Brian Schneider ended the inning with a weak groundout to the pitcher. Although the Mets did not do more damage after loading the bases with no outs, this should not be the norm in 2009, as this lineup will produce many crooked numbers on the scoreboard.

The Padres scored a run against Perez in the fifth inning, but Ollie was able to use his newfound maturity on the mound to get out of the inning without any other runs scoring.

The Mets still had their 2-1 lead when Bobby Parnell took over for Perez in the seventh inning. Parnell looked like the real deal by pitching a 1-2-3 inning. It appears he will be a force on the Mets' staff for many years to come.

Seven was indeed the lucky number for the Mets as they added two more runs in the seventh inning. The key moment of the inning came when Jose Reyes used his speed to manufacture a run. With Reyes on first and Castillo on third, Reyes showed why he will be one of the top basestealers again in 2009. He stole second on a ball that got away from catcher Nick Hundley. When Hundley threw the ball away trying to unsuccesfully throw out Castillo at the plate, Reyes raced all the way around the bases to score the second run of the play. The two-run passed ball/error gave the Mets a commanding 6-1 lead, but they were not done yet.

J.J. Putz continued to dazzle for the Mets by pitching a scoreless eighth inning. The acquisition of Putz continues to prove the genius of Omar Minaya, who took a chance on the reliever who was injured in 2008, but is now paying great dividends for the Mets in their restructured bullpen.

The final blow was added by Carlos Delgado in the bottom of the eighth inning. He launched a long solo home run into the Pepsi Porch to give the Mets a 7-1 lead. In the last year of his contract, Delgado is poised for a big year, as the 500 home run mark is also within his reach. Fans should flock to the Pepsi Porch all year whenever Delgado comes up to bat as he will most likely deposit many home runs there.

After Sean Green got out of the ninth inning, giving up a meaningless run, the Mets left with their first victory at Citi Field, a 7-2 decision over the San Diego Padres. With more games like tonight, the Mets should have plenty of these wins at home.

With the win, the Mets improved to 4-4 on the season. They remain in fourth place for the time being, but do not expect them to stay there very long.

The combination of outstanding pitching by Oliver Perez and the hitters' ability to score early and often will keep the Mets in contention for a division title and supremacy in the National League. The one-two lefty punch of Santana and Perez will make the Phillies cower in the batter's box, especially when they face them down the stretch in September.

Ah, but we're getting ahead of ourselves. For now, it's only April, but fear not, Mets fans. The best is surely yet to come!

Billy Wagner Puts On His Sox

This is Joey and it's my turn to fill in on a Studious Metsimus blog. Today was a sad day for me as my beloved Billy Wagner made his debut for the Boston Red Sox.

After two final outings for the Mets at Citi Field last week, (two innings, no runs, no hits, one walk, four strikeouts), he brought his blazing fastball and deceptive slider to Fenway Park.

He has continued to dominate in the American League. Coming into the game in the top of the eighth inning today, Billy gave up a one-out double to Adam Lind. This did not faze the Sandman as he struck out the other three batters he faced.

How was he rewarded by Red Sox Nation for his dominant debut? By exiting the game to Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline". That never would have happened at Citi Field!

BFF Jonathan Papelbon did not come into the game in the ninth inning as the Red Sox held a commanding 7-0 lead over the Blue Jays, thereby negating a potential save situation.

The Red Sox had reported before the game that Papelbon would not be available for today's game because he had notched saves in each of the two previous games. However, our Studious Metsimus photographers were at Fenway Park last night and were able to take this picture of Papelbon (see photo, above right) punching himself in the groin after last night's save. We believe it was this crotch punching incident that kept him out of today's game.

With the acquisition of Billy Wagner, Boston has shortened the game to a seven-inning affair. Their bullpen is now one of the best in the major leagues and should fuel them in the hopes of securing a playoff berth.

This may be good for the Red Sox, but I'm still left with an empty feeling in my heart. Billy worked so hard to get back to the majors so he could help the Mets make a run in September. Unfortunately, that run never happened. I will continue to report on his outings, although my tears might prevent me from doing so occasionally.

For now, I will continue to remember Billy as the Mets' Sandman, the man whose bobblehead I will always treasure. You will always be a Met to me, no matter whose uniform you're wearing and the music that follows you when you leave the game. Neil Diamond? Meh!

Babe Ruth To Be Immortalized At Citi Field

Fred Wilpon has made it well-known that he grew up as a Brooklyn Dodger fan. His love of the Dodgers can be seen in the design of Citi Field. From the Ebbets Field-like exterior to the Jackie Robinson Rotunda to the Ebbets Club, Brooklyn Dodger references are everywhere at Citi Field. Even the '47 shop, which sells nostalgic apparel, is a reference to the 1947 Brooklyn Dodgers, a team that lost the World Series to the Yankees in seven games.

However, Fred Wilpon was born in 1936. That made him only two years old during the 1938 Brooklyn Dodgers season, which more than likely made him too young to immerse himself in Dodger blue. Imagine his surprise when he found out that Babe Ruth spent the 1938 season as a Dodger coach!

Wilpon has now decided to add a statue of Babe Ruth adjacent to the Taste of The City food court in center field to commemorate Ruth's one season in a Brooklyn Dodgers uniform. He has enlisted the experts behind the incredibly lifelike Craig Biggio statue in Houston (see photo, right) to design the Ruth statue. The uncanny resemblance to Biggio made Wilpon's choice that much easier. However, Wilpon has asked for mustard stains on the side of Ruth's Dodger cap instead of bird poop to better reflect Ruth's legacy. This also explains the positioning of the statue near the food court.

In addition to the statue, the Mets will be holding a Babe Ruth Day at Citi Field. In conjunction with the promotion, fans attending the game will receive a voucher for discounted hot dogs and beer. There will also be a barbershop quartet singing the National Anthem and God Bless America. They will be dressed in vintage Brooklyn Dodgers uniforms and will most likely look like this:


Will the fans approve of the latest Brooklyn Dodger reference at Citi Field? Will discounted hot dogs and beer bring them out to Babe Ruth Day? Will a bird leave a deposit on Ruth's statue anyway?

These questions and more will be answered at a later date. However, we at Studious Metsimus already have an idea since we're in tune with today's Mets fans. Brooklyn now has its own team to celebrate in the Cyclones. Dodger fans of yesteryear have now switched allegiances to the Mets. Therefore, there can only be one word to express what we think of the Babe Ruth statue and day at Citi Field and that word is...

Tendinosis On Ollie's Knee (Song Parody III)

The Oliver Perez Trilogy has reached its conclusion. Call it "The Good, The Bad and The Ollie" if you want. I guess that would make this chapter "The Ollie".

We at Studious Metsimus would like to thank you, our fellow SMFs, for reading these song parodies and hope that Ollie doesn't give us any reasons to write any more of these in the remaining two years of his ungodly contract. After all, I have too much admiration for the Ramones to keep disrespecting them like that.

The final song in the trilogy is based on a track from the favorite Ramones album of the Studious Metsimus staff, the 1977 album "Rocket To Russia". The original version of the song is called "Teenage Lobotomy". If Ollie was about ten years younger, I wouldn't have to change the title for the parody. However, since he has outgrown his teenage years, a new title had to be scribbled out. Behold the finale of the Oliver Perez Trilogy. We promise we won't introduce a Jar Jar-like character when we start another trilogy in the future. This one is called "Tendinosis On Ollie's Knee":

On Ollie's Knee! On Ollie's Knee! On Ollie's Knee! On Ollie's Knee!

Tendinosis did a job on his knee
Now he's getting surgery
Guess we now have better news
That we won't have his starts to lose
All the doctors seem to agree
Tendinosis On Ollie's Knee!

Drugs will sedate our Ollie
While he's getting surgery
Doctors guess they'll have to tell him
That they found no cerebellum
All he went for was his knee
Now there's no brain inside Ollie!

On Ollie's Knee! On Ollie's Knee! On Ollie's Knee! On Ollie's Knee!

Tendinosis did a job on his knee
Now he's getting surgery
Guess we now have better news
That we won't have his starts to lose
All the doctors seem to agree
Tendinosis On Ollie's Knee!

Hey, Triple A! Take My Ollie Away! (Song Parody Part Deux)

It's time for another Studious Metsimus song parody! This is another one based on Señor Sabor himself, Oliver Perez. (Special thanks to Coop for thinking of that awesome nickname for Ollie. Please click here for her amazing Mets blog.) With any luck, this song parody will hit a Homer in the mind of my SMFs (D'oh!)

Sometimes a little minor league seasoning is best for some pitchers when they're not performing at the major league level. If Oliver Perez does not return from his season-ending surgery to perform well in 2010, he should be sent to Triple-A Buffalo until he can get his "sabor" back.

With that in mind, I dedicate this song to the Buffalo Bisons. I'm sorry that I'm trying to make this your problem, but hopefully it will only be temporary. This song is based on the Ramones song from their 1981 album, "Pleasant Dreams". The original classic was called "The KKK Took My Baby Away". My plea to Buffalo to take Ollie off our hands is called "Hey, Triple-A! Take My Ollie Away!":

He went away for the holidays
Season ending surgery
Hoping he'll get better
How can it get worse?
How can it get worse? You'll see-ee.

He went away for the holidays
Season ending surgery
Hoping he'll get better
How can it get worse?
How can it get worse? You'll see-ee.

Hey, Triple-A! Take my Ollie away!
Please take him away
From our Citi-i.
Hey, Triple-A! Take my Ollie away!
Please take him away
From our Citi.

Please! Go!
Please! Go!

Now I sure know
Why they're taking Ollie-ie.
Taking him from me
After surgery-y.

I sure know
Why they're taking Ollie-ie.
Taking him from me
After surgery.

Bring me, bring me, bring me
The private jet
Fly out with Ollie Pere-ez.
Bring me, bring me, bring me
His '90 Hyundai
And send him on a lo-ong dri-ive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Send him to Buffalo!
Send him to Buffalo!

He went away for the holidays
Season ending surgery
Hoping he'll get better
How can it get worse?
How can it get worse? You'll see-ee.

He went away for the holidays
Season ending surgery
Hoping he'll get better
How can it get worse?
How can it get worse? You'll see-ee.

Hey, Triple-A! Take my Ollie away!
Please take him away
From our Citi-i.
Hey, Triple-A! Take my Ollie away!
Please take him away
From our Citi.

Hey, Triple-A! Take my Ollie away!
Please take him away
From our Citi-i.
Hey, Triple-A! Take my Ollie away!
Before I hurl
Please take my Ollie away!

Song Parody Time: I Want Ollie Demoted

Anyone who knows me is well aware that I consider the Ramones to be the greatest American band ever. The early deaths of Joey Ramone (above right), Johnny Ramone (second from right) and Dee Dee Ramone (above left) have done nothing to erase them from the public consciousness.

Whenever the Mets need a rally, the Citi Field speakers send out the classic first four words of "Blitzkrieg Bop". "Hey ho, let's go" has preceeded many rallies, not only at Citi Field, but in ballparks around the country.

Therefore, I would like to apologize to the Ramones for what I'm about to do. I'm about to write a song parody based on their classic track "I Wanna Be Sedated". It's not the parody itself that I'm apologizing for. It's the subject of the parody, Oliver Perez. It's no secret that Ollie has been the $0.36 man instead of the $36 million man this season. As he prepares for season-ending surgery, which should have taken place in April, let's all bop till we drop to the latest Studious Metsimus song parody, entitled "I Want Ollie Demoted":

When he, when he, when he goes out to throw
I want Ollie demoted
Hasn't a clue and has no control
I want Ollie demoted

Just get him to the airport
Put him on the plane
Hurry, hurry, hurry
Before we go insane
He can't control his pitches
He can't control the game
Send him to Buffalo

When he, when he, when he goes out to throw
I want Ollie demoted
Hasn't a clue and has no control
I want Ollie demoted

Just put him in a wheelchair
Take him to the O.R.
Hurry, hurry, hurry
And make him an All-Star
But you can't perform miracles
Meds haven't come that far
It's off to Buffalo

Bam, bam, ba-bam, pitch for the Bisons
I want Ollie demoted
Bam, bam, ba-bam, I want your millions
I want Ollie demoted
Bam, bam, ba-bam, sing with me, Mets fans
I want Ollie demoted
Bam, bam, ba-bam, we've done all we can
I want Ollie demoted

Which Prince Should The Mets Acquire In 2010?

As the Mets count down the days until the 2009 season is put out of its misery, we at Studious Metsimus would like to look forward to the 2010 season. Omar Minaya will have many holes to fill. One of these holes will be at first base.

Barring a Miracle on 126th St, Carlos Delgado will no longer be a Met in 2010. Daniel Murphy has performed well and has somehow remained healthy, but his offensive production leaves a lot to be desired for in a corner infielder. The Mets might have to look elsewhere for a new first baseman in 2010 if they went to become serious contenders in the National League East.

First base is a position of royalty. From Dave KINGman to the man whose glove was touched by King Midas himself to become golden, Keith Hernandez, to the one player special enough to be allowed to wear his special crown at first base, John Olerud, the Mets have not lacked royalty at first. Therefore, Studious Metsimus will undertake the dubious responsibilty of choosing the new Mets first baseman for 2010, keeping in mind that it's time for a new prince to man the position.

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

You might know him as Will Smith, but he was once a prince that had been excused of his royal duties at around the same time that the Rico Brogna era began at Shea. One thing that you may not have known was that he could pick it at first base.

However, his place of birth and upbringing make him a questionable pick for the Mets first baseman job. In an exlusive interview with Studious Metsimus, Mr. Smith had this to say:

"In West Philadelphia, born and raised. On the playground is where I spent most of my days. Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool and all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school."

The Philadelphia connections would not go over well with die-hard Mets fans. Also, his statement made it seem that basketball might be his preferred sport. The Mets would probably have to put a clause in his contract preventing him from shooting hoops in the offseason, especially after all the injuries suffered by the team in 2009.

Another thing working against Mr. Smith was suggested in this quote taken after the interview when he thought he was off the record. Mr. Smith was talking about his trip to the interview location.

"I pulled up to a house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie, 'yo homes, smell you later'. Looked at my kingdom. I was finally there to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air."

Mr. Smith would never be welcome in New York if he continued to use his Hancockian enhanced olfactory powers to disrespect New York City cab drivers. For as talented as he is, first baseman of the future for the Mets will not be added to his already impressive résumé. Besides, he was also spotted in clubs doing the Carlton Dance. No way he succeeds in New York after word of that gets out.

Prince Rogers Nelson

As Keith Hernandez would say, first base is a position that requires proper footwork to succeed. Anyone who has seen Prince on stage knows that his footwork is impeccable. He would have great range at first base and would not have to guard the line because he'd be able to get to many ground balls that most first basemen would never reach.

One little problem with the purple one...

HE'S ONLY 5'3"! First basemen should be at least a foot taller than that. Line drives over his head would be unreachable. Of course, being vertically challenged has its advantages. He doesn't have that far to go to reach for ground balls. He would also draw many walks due to his smaller strike zone, which is crucial for a team that needs as many baserunners as the Mets do. He's an option at first base that Omar will have to consider.

Prince Spaghetti

Okay, now Omar's options appear to be getting a little thin. (Get it? Thin spaghetti? To quote ALF, "Ha! I kill me!")

Prince Spaghetti wouldn't even work as a Sunday giveaway at Citi Field. Why? Because everyone knows that Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti Day! Next!

Prince Fielder

This move would make sense on so many levels. Mets fans would love him because he went after Guillermo Mota just like their beloved Mike Piazza once tried to do.

Vegetarians would love him because he decided to become one before the 2008 season.

Carnivores who don't approve of his new eating habits could use a Prince Fielder at-bat as an excuse to go out to Shake Shack. With any luck, they might even catch one of his home runs while standing in line for an inning or five.

Omar, you shouldn't have to look so confused. The answer should be simple. Since you can't seem to acquire any free agents (hence the ridiculous signing of Oliver Perez this past offseason), the trade route is the way to go.

In 2010, Fielder will be entering the final year of the two-year, $18 million contract he signed with the Brewers prior to the 2009 season. He will more than likely demand an average $15 million-plus salary when he becomes a free agent after his contract expires. There is no way the Brewers can ante up that chunk of change. Therefore, it would be in their best interests to trade Fielder.

With the impending departure of Carlos Delgado and the inability of Daniel Murphy to develop into a high-average, good-power corner infielder, the Mets will need a first baseman in 2010. Prince Fielder might have priced himself out of the Brewers' future. Come on, Omar! Take Ben Stiller's words to heart. Do it! Do it!

This Weeks' MOOKIE Goes To...

Greetings, my fellow SMFs * and welcome to our first player of the week feature, also known as the Mookies! The entertainment world might have the Emmy Awards, the Grammy Awards and the Tony Awards. Heck, they even have the Razzies and the Bammies.

Studious Metsimus will not be left behind! The Mookie was created in honor of the man responsible for the greatest at-bat in Mets history. In Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, Mr. William Hayward Wilson tantalized the baseball world with a ten-pitch at-bat. Pitch #7 resulted in the game-tying wild pitch and pitch #10 resulted in the "little roller up along first". As a result, it should come to no one's surprise that this award had to be named after him. Besides, the Keithies, Dwighties and Darrylies didn't have the same je ne sais quoi as the Mookies.

Honorable mention goes to George Costanza. After consulting with his good friend, the Bubble Boy during a spirited game of Trivial Pursuit, they agreed to disagree on the Moopies as a possible name for the award. George submitted his suggestion inside a folder marked "The Pensky File". We at Studious Metsimus did not know what to make of the folder it was sent in. However, we do thank George for his contribution, even though it's obvious that his suggestion must have been a typo and he really meant to say Mookies.

Here are the candidates for this week's Mookies:

Angel Pagan

Angel has been running wild on the bases over the past seven days. From August 21-27, he hit at a .345 clip. His ten hits included three home runs, including the first inside-the-park home run in Citi Field history. He also scored seven runs as the Mets' leadoff hitter, drove in four more and swiped two bases.

However, he was also spotted at a Clay Aiken concert (see photo, above left) in a drunken stupor (which probably explains why he was at a Clay Aiken show). The photo also showed some unnamed Mets in attendance with him. Clearly, this was an up and down week for Pagan.

Luis Castillo

Louie Louie continued his torrid pace over the past seven games. His streak of consecutive multi-hit games ended at six, but he still managed to hit .385 and remembered to use two hands on the field and on the dugout handrail.

All this was overshadowed by his decision to grow a goatee in the shape of a baseball (see photo, above left). He has said that he will not shave until the team reaches the .500 mark. Expect him to have a softball goatee by the time spring training opens. A Met who decided to remain nameless wondered aloud if Luis knew that he had a ball on his chin.

Jeff Francoeur

Frenchy was an extra-base machine over the past week. He hit .346, but more than half of his hits went for extra bases, resulting in a .654 slugging percentage. He smoked three doubles and a home run. He also added a triple to his extra-base collection.

However, the only triple Mets fans will remember was the triple play he hit into last Sunday. Representing the winning run in the bottom of the ninth inning, Francoeur lined the ball into the glove of Eric "E-4" Bruntlett, who was covering second since the runners were running on the pitch. Bruntlett's fortunate positioning led to the first unassisted triple play to end a game in National League history.

So who gets this week's Mookie for his performance on the field? How about...

NONE OF THEM!

At Studious Metsimus, we demand perfection from any recipient of the coveted Mookie. This week's nominees had fine offensive weeks, but were not perfect, especially Angel Pagan. His off-the-field exploits were simply unforgivable!

Therefore, Mookie Wilson will hold on to his award for the time being. Perhaps next week, we will have a worthier candidate. If any current Mets player expects to be given a Mookie without completely earning it, he's in for a rude awakening!

*By the way, you may have noticed a star at the beginning of this post. That was not a George Costanza-influenced typo. That was intentional. It was meant to lead you down here. You may have noticed the term SMF and wondered what it meant. No, it does not stand for Sexy Mother F [shut yo mouth], as Prince suggested in his song from 1992.

It's the new term coined for readers of Studious Metsimus. After all, you're here because you're fans of the site. Therefore, you're all Studious Metsimus Fans, or SMFs for short. Have a great weekend, my fellow SMFs! Don't do anything embarrassing like this week's Mookie nominees did!