Joey's Letter To Sandy Claus (2016)

I figured a sandy setting would be appropriate for a letter to Sandy Claus.  Plus, it reminds me of summer and baseball.

Dear Sandy Claus,

Are you there, Sandy?  It's me, Joey Beartran.  You may remember me from the letters I've sent you in each of the last five holiday seasons.  Other teams' fans have gotten some of their wishes already, such as Cardinals fans getting World Series champion center fielder Dexter Fowler under their tree, Boston lovers getting the Sale of the century and ChiSox supporters getting almost every other team's young prospects to fill their ChiStockings.

As for me and my fellow Mets fans, we're not really asking for much this year.  After all, you've given us two consecutive postseason appearances and have us in position to make an unprecedented third straight October run in 2017.  You've also somehow managed to get superstar slugger Yoenis Céspedes to shun other teams' offers not once, but twice, which has made the loss of former Mets farmhand and current American League Rookie of the Year Michael Fulmer a little more palatable.

That doesn't mean we wouldn't want a little something extra from you this holiday season.  I mean, don't get me wrong.  We're quite pleased with the riches you've given us on such a tight budget, but at the same time, we're Mets fans.  That means we're never satisfied.

So since I seem to be the only one here writing you a letter, I figure I'd speak on behalf on my fellow Mets fans so that you know what we'd like this year.  Considering that we've all been nice this year - except for Ray Ramirez, who should probably receive a lump of coal in his stocking, just sayin' - I don't think our wishes are all that unreasonable.  Here goes.

What should I ask for?  This would be a pretty inopportune time to get writers' block.

I'd like a trading partner for Jay Bruce.  It's clear that the Mets have a glut of outfielders.  One is the team's best offensive threat (Céspedes), one is supposedly the star of the future (Michael Conforto), one is a former Gold Glove winner (Juan Lagares), one always says hi to me when I'm sitting in my Right Field Reserved seats (Curtis Granderson) and the other is Jay Bruce.  I don't really care who you trade him for.  Trade him for a new head athletic trainer for all I care.  Actually, if you trade Bruce AND the team's current athletic trainer in the same deal, you'd be killing two birds with one stone, which is probably a good thing for the birds because if they weren't killed by that single stone, the trainer might have to take a look at them and that would be a fate worse than death.

I would also like a shutdown bullpen, you know, like the Nasty Boys that helped the Reds win their last championship in 1990 or the relievers that helped propel the Cubs and Indians to the World Series last year.  (I'd mention the Royals' bullpen that led the team to two World Series appearances in 2014 and 2015, but it's a little too soon for me.)  With Jeurys Familia possibly missing some time to start the season due to his domestic violence incident (and he should also get coal for what he did), the Mets will need someone with late inning experience to complement Addison Reed.  I'm well aware that relievers can go from Mariano Rivera domination to Mel Rojas abomination in a matter of minutes, but I trust you to find someone with the talent to fill the hole left by the impending absence of Familia.  Oh, and make sure the guy you get us isn't named Armando or have a second cousin once removed in the Benitez family.

Without question, I want good health for the players who lost time in 2016 due to injuries.  You know, like Lucas Duda, Neil Walker, Asdrubal Cabrera, Wilmer Flores, Jose Reyes, David Wright, Matt Harvey, Steven Matz...  You know what?  Just keep those guys away from the players who managed to stay healthy in 2016 until it's been determined that their injuries aren't contagious.  Though I suppose you wouldn't have to worry about that much with Wright, since he breaks more than wind at a bean burrito eating contest.

I want the Michael Conforto from April 2016 to become the Michael Conforto of every month of the 2017 baseball season.  We've had several one-month wonders in the past.  Does Derek Bell and his red hot start in April 2000 ring a (ahem) bell?  No one expects Conforto to put up the .330/.402/.522 slash line he's produced in 166 career minor league games.  But I do think we should expect more than his .238/.319/.448 performance in 165 contests with the Mets.  Considering that after the 2017 campaign, the Mets won't have Bruce or Granderson on their payroll, Conforto will have to step up to prove that he is going to be a top contributor on this team.  And while I'm at it, can you get Terry Collins to trust him a little more against southpaws?  l know Conforto is probably never going to be a .300 hitter versus left-handed pitchers, but TC has shown as much faith in him against lefties as I have in myself becoming a vegan.  It's time to cut Conforto loose against the world.

Palm trees go with things that are Sandy.  Just hope "Exotic Canadian" isn't a euphemism for Jason Bay.

Speaking of cutting loose, it's time to finally see the Fab Five in action.  I'm talking about having Noah Syndergaard, Jacob deGrom, Matt Harvey, Steven Matz and Zack Wheeler take over this rotation and not let it go until Scott Boras gets Harvey a nine-figure deal to underachieve somewhere else.  Unfortunately, this has yet to happen because Wheeler took a two-year injury sabbatical, Harvey never quite recovered from the ninth inning of Game Five and deGrom and Matz couldn't make 30-plus starts, leaving Syndergaard to do all the heavy lifting in 2016.  And what heavy lifting he did!  Thor basically carried the staff on his back and nearly led them past Madison Bumgarner and the Giants in the Wild Card game.  Imagine if the Mets had several pitchers who could do the same over a full season.  Wait.  They do.  As long as they stay healthy and Yoko Ono doesn't try to break up the band.

I'm a fan of Kelly Johnson.  I really am.  I'm not a fan of losing future major leaguers every time the Mets decide to acquire him during the season.  In 2015, the Mets reeled in Johnson from Atlanta with a package that included John Gant and Robert Whalen.  Both pitchers made it to the majors in 2016 and Gant recorded his first big league victory against the Mets in June.  (It came just three days before my birthday, which was not exactly an ideal gift for me.)  Then after re-signing with the Braves prior to the 2016 campaign, the Mets once again traded for Johnson, sending pitcher Akeel Morris to Atlanta in return for the utility man.  Morris posted a 2.27 ERA for the Braves' Double-A affiliate in 25 appearances following the trade so I wouldn't be surprised if he made it back to the show at some point in 2017.  Therefore, on my wish list, I'd like the Mets to keep Johnson around for the entire 2017 campaign rather than having to sacrifice their young for his services.  We can't keep stuffing the Braves' stockings with so much talent year after year just to get half a season of Kelly Johnson each time.

Finally, I'd like more of those delicious steak frites that you can only find at the Pat LaFrieda joint on the Promenade level.  Why aren't they offered on the field level?  I didn't even know they were an option until we were well into the season.  Also, why was there no Rao's pasta in the Foxwoods Club in 2016 like there was when the area was called the Caesar's Club in previous seasons?  That was my go-to dish when I didn't want to stand in a long line of people who only wanted hot dogs and beer and could have purchased said items from any vendor walking around the ballpark instead of taking up so much space on the line in front of me!  On a related note, I'd also like you to help me control my temper, especially when I'm hungry.

More places in the stadium where these are available would be most welcome.

So that's pretty much what I'm asking you for, Sandy.  Just dump the latest outfielder with the initials J.B. that failed to impress in New York, add a piece or two to the bullpen, keep the players as far away from Ray Ramirez as possible and remind Conforto that his Olympian mom is still the best athlete in the family until he learns how to hit a baseball on a consistent basis.

In addition, all I am saying is don't play Plastic Ono Band music near the starting pitchers and give Kelly Johnson a chance for an entire season.  Oh, and more stands with steak frites around the ballpark and the return of Rao's pasta dishes would be most welcome.  I'm speaking for all Mets fans, of course, not just myself.

Thanks so much for reading my letter, Sandy.  And thank you for what you've done to take this team from a perennial 70-something win squad to a club that has to cancel golf plans in October because playing ball for a title is much more fun than playing with a Titleist ball.

I wish you and your merry little elves a happy holiday season and I can't wait to see what you leave under my tree.  And remember, just because my tree is small doesn't mean you can't put everything I asked for under it.  You're a baseball maverick.  You'll figure out a way.

Love and Shake Shack forever,
Joey Beartran

Hope you get my letter, Sandy Claus.  And my tree really isn't that small; it still towers over me!

Fun Facts About Kelly Johnson and Juan Uribe

Kelly Johnson and Juan Uribe were traded by the Atlanta Braves to the New York Mets yesterday for minor leaguer pitchers John Gant and Robert Whalen.  The trade instantly gives the Mets a credible third baseman who can actually hit in Uribe.   (Sorry, Soup.  You may be good food, but you're a lousy hitter.)  It also gives the Mets versatility with Johnson, who can play multiple infield positions as well as the outfield.

Okay, all that you know.  It's not my duty to regurgitate what others have already written about the two newest Mets.  Rather, it falls upon me to share what you didn't know or what you would not have thought of asking, mainly for fear that someone would think you were a weirdo or a forty-something who lives in your mom's basement and craves more meat loaf.

So let's not dilly-dally any longer.  Ladies and gentle-Mets, I present to you some fun facts about Kelly Johnson and Juan Uribe.

Juan Uribe and Kelly Johnson celebrate a home run by Uribe against Washington.  Uribe loves to face N.L. East pitchers.  (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Out of the first 1,000 Mets to appear in a Mets uniform, Johnson was one of the most common surnames, while Uribe had never been seen on the back of a Mets jersey.  In fact, when Kelly Johnson makes his Mets debut, he will be the eighth Johnson to play for the Mets (this doesn't include all-time club leader in managerial wins and division titles, Davey Johnson).  Kelly Johnson will join Bob W. (1967), Bob D. (1969), Howard (1985-93), Lance (1996-97), Mark (2000-02), Ben (2007) and Rob (2012) in the fellowship of the Johnson ring.  The surname Johnson will also tie Jones as the most common last name in club history.  For all you kids out there who like to keep up with the Joneses, those players' first names were Sherman (1962), Cleon (1963, 1965-75), Randy (1981-82), Ross (1984), Barry (1992), Bobby J. (1993-2000), Chris (1995-96) and Bobby M. (2000, 2002).

Newton's Third Law of Motion states that "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."  The same can be said for the two newest Mets.  For every Johnson that has donned a Mets uniform, there have been no Uribes.  In fact, Juan Uribe will become just the third Met to have his last name begin with the letter "U", joining Del Unser (1975-76) and Lino Urdenata (2007).  When Uribe plays his third game for the Mets, he will pass Urdenata into second place for games played by a "U" player, as Lino appeared in only two games as a reliever and amassed a grand total of one inning pitched for the 2007 Mets.  How uncommon has it been for a Met to have his last name begin with the letter "U"?  Let's just say there have been as many Mets players to have surnames beginning with a lower case "d" (Matt den Dekker, Travis d'Arnaud, Jacob deGrom) as there have been upper case "U" guys.

Even in this era of free agency, it's rare to have a player suit up for every team in the same division.  Octavio Dotel, who began his career as a Met in 1999 and played for a major league record 13 teams, couldn't manage this feat.  Neither could Mike Morgan, Ron Villone or Matt Stairs, despite the fact that each player played for a dozen different franchises.  But not only has Kelly Johnson accomplished this rare achievement, he played for all five teams within a division in a span of less than two years.

The Arizona Diamondbacks traded Johnson to the Toronto Blue Jays on August 23, 2011.  He then signed as a free agent with the Tampa Bay Rays on February 5, 2013.  Ten months later, he signed a free-agent contract with the New York Yankees, who then traded him to the Boston Red Sox on July 31, 2014.  Thirty days later, on August 30, 2014, he was dealt to the Baltimore Orioles.

So let's review the stops made on Le Tour de Johnson.  On Closing Day 2012, he was a member of the Blue Jays.  He then played the entire 2013 season with the Rays, followed by a three-team pit stop in 2014, splitting time between the Yankees, Red Sox and Orioles.  That's all five American League East teams in exactly 23 months (his last game with Toronto was on October 2, 2012 and his first game with Baltimore was on September 2, 2014).  Perhaps his familiarity with the A.L. East is one of the reasons the Mets acquired him, as the team plays the Rays, Orioles and Red Sox in August and square off against the Yankees in September.  Johnson can exact a modicum of revenge against the A.L. East squads that spurned him.

Speaking of reasons why the Mets acquired these two players, Juan Uribe has always been a good major league hitter, smacking 20+ homers in four separate seasons.  (By comparison, only six players in Mets history have produced four or more 20-HR campaigns while in a Mets uniform - Darryl Strawberry, Mike Piazza, David Wright, one of the eight Johnsons [Howard], Dave Kingman and Kevin McReynolds.)  But in addition to his prowess in power, Uribe has always handled N.L. East pitching extremely well.

Uribe has started 155 games in his career against the four teams he will now face the most (Atlanta, Miami, Philadelphia, Washington).  That's just about a full season's worth of games.  Against those four teams, Uribe has a .279 batting average and a .439 slugging percentage, which is higher than the lifetime .255/.419 numbers he has put up against all the other teams he's faced.  He's also produced 62 extra-base hits in 606 at-bats against the four teams - an average of one extra-base hit every 9.77 at-bats.  He averages an extra-base hit every 11.0 at-bats against every other team.  It should be noted that beginning next Friday, 35 of the Mets' last 60 games are against N.L. East teams.

Kelly Johnson and Juan Uribe have been brought aboard to fill a few holes in the offense, which has been downright offensive at times.  Anyone can spit out numbers (kinda like I just did in that last paragraph), but who's going to tell you about the abundance of Johnsons and the dearth of Uribes in Mets lore?  How are you going to compete against Gary Cohen and Howie Rose in next year's edition of "Beat The Booth" if you don't know about the Tour de Johnson?  And before you say that Uribe's an old fart who will only be competitive in a hot dog eating contest against Bartolo Colon, not only is Uribe a slayer of cured meats, but he's also a slayer of the N.L. East, having terrorized pitchers in the division for the equivalent of a full season.

Hey, at least if Uribe doesn't work out as a hitter, he can always manage the team for a day, as he did last year for the Dodgers.