I'm Keith Hernandez! Where's My Birthday Cake?

Hello, my friends.  I'm Keith Hernandez.  And today is a special day for me.  You see, today is my birthday.  That's right, all you kids out there.  I'm now 66 years old.

In honor of my 66th birthday, the cast and crew at Studious Metsimus asked me to give you a brief recap of my life.  To be honest with you, I've never heard of Studious Metsimus, but the offer of unlimited Tootsie Pops was too much to refuse.  Plus, they promised me there would be no traffic on the Long Island Expressway so I could make a quick getaway after writing this piece.  How could I pass that up?

Anyway, I was born in San Francisco on October 20, 1953.  Contrary to popular belief, I was not born with a mustache.  The picture you see below is one of my early photos.  Yes, the ladies loved me even then.  Can you blame them?  I mean, look at me!  I'm Keith Hernandez!

Unfortunately, I failed in my petition to get my own name on my Little League jersey.

After my days as a Little League Lothario were done, I was drafted in the 42nd round by the St. Louis Cardinals in 1971.  (Yes, I did go to high school between my Little League days and my high school graduation, but that was an awkward time for me, so I'd rather not talk about it.)  Clearly, the scouts back then were terrible judges of talent if they waited that long to draft me.  Unfortunately, I did nothing to earn that selection early on in my minor league career until I was promoted to Triple-A Tulsa in 1973, where I hit .333 and showed those other kids out there how a real baseball player was supposed to play the game.

In 1974, I hit .351 for Tulsa and was promoted to the big show on August 30 of that year against my hometown San Francisco Giants at Candlestick Park.  I reached base three times in my first big league game, drawing two walks before collecting my first big league hit and RBI in the ninth inning off Giants' starter Mike Caldwell.  Unfortunately, we lost that game 8-2, but I let it be known to my teammates and the rest of the league that I was here to stay.

Once I settled in to the big leagues, I made my presence felt in the clubhouse and on the field.  The Cardinals just had to keep me around.  Therefore, they traded incumbent first baseman Joe Torre to the Mets after the 1974 season (more on first basemen being traded to the Mets a little later ... after a few more paragraphs and my first Tootsie Pop).  I was a Cardinal now, and St. Louis was about to see what Keith Hernandez was all about.

It was in St. Louis that I let my trademark mustache grow.  The Gateway City was also where I earned my first Gold Glove in 1978 and my first MVP Award one year later.  (Okay, so it was a co-MVP award that I shared with Willie Stargell.  But in Strat-O-Matic, I kicked Willie's posterior.)  In addition, St. Louis was the place where I claimed my first batting title (also in 1979), my first World Series championship (1982), my first line of... umm ... baseball cards (yeah, that's the ticket) and my first comparison to adult film thespian Ron Jeremy.

If my brother Gary were in this collage, you'd have the original Gary, Keith and Ron.

If you ask me, I don't see the resemblance.   He looks more like Mike Piazza than he does me.  Also, my acting skills are far superior to his.  Was he on "Seinfeld"?  I don't think so.  That was me.  Why did they choose me over him?  Because I'm Keith Hernandez!

Anyway, less than eight months after bringing home St. Louis' first World Series championship since 1967, I experienced one of the saddest days of my life, or so it seemed at the time.  On June 15, 1983, I was traded from the defending world champion Cardinals to the perennial cellar dweller New York Mets.  Shockingly, I wasn't even traded for future Hall of Famers.  I was shipped off to the Mets for Neil Allen, Rick Ownbey (who also celebrates a birthday with me today, but he's four years my junior) and a half-empty box of Tender Vittles.  Even my beloved cat, Hadji, wouldn't be impressed with that transaction.

It was already an insult to me that I was traded to the team known as "Pond Scum" and the "Stems" in St. Louis.  But come on!  Couldn't the Mets have offered some 9 Lives to the Cardinals instead of Tender Vittles?  After all, Morris the Cat was all the rage back then.  I mean, he was the O.G.  (Original Grumpy cat).   I would have accepted a trade for Allen, Ownbey and 9 Lives, not Allen, Ownbey and half-eaten Tender Vittles.  Sheesh!

I guess since the Cardinals already had the Clydesdale Horses, they didn't need another animal in the barn.

Anyway, the Mets didn't do too well after I got traded there.  We finished 68-94 in 1983, but showed some signs of life.  Old punching buddy Darryl Strawberry came up in May and future broadcast colleague R.J. (that's Ron Darling for all you casual Mets fans out there) was called up when rosters expanded in September.

Big Brother didn't come around in 1984 like he was supposed to, but we had our own little Animal Farm at Shea Stadium.  Top pitching prospect Dwight Gooden was called up in 1984 and Davey Johnson became the new Mets manager.  The team responded by going 90-72 and giving the Cubs all they could handle in the N.L. East.  As a result, I was no longer saddened by my trade to New York and only occasionally did I wonder if Whitey Herzog had finished what was left over in the box of Tender Vittles.

After falling short in the N.L. East race again in 1985, we put it all together in 1986.  That was the year I won my second World Series championship and helped bring the first title to Flushing since the Miracle Mets did the same in 1969.  I also paired up with another Ronnie after bringing the trophy home in 1986. 

What?  No Gary?  Fine.  Then we'll just have to make do with Keith and Ron instead.

Just as my tenure with the Mets was coming to an end, I decided I should give acting a try.  I wasn't planning on telling you this, but the Tootsie Pop dangling in front of my face has convinced me to do so.

Did you know that "Seinfeld" was not my first attempt at acting?  Before TV immortality, I wanted to be a movie star.  My time with former actor Ronald Reagan in the White House showed me that if he could be President and a movie star, then I could be a baseball legend and a matinee idol as well, so it was off to Hollywood for me.

I first gave acting a shot when I auditioned for the movie "Major League".  However, it ended up being a bad dream and instead of playing for the Cleveland Indians in the film alongside noted actors Charlie Sheen, Corbin Bernsen, Dennis Haysbert and Wesley Snipes, I ended up playing for the REAL Cleveland Indians, who were not nearly as talented as their current counterparts.  You know, the team that has averaged 95 wins over the last four seasons and hasn't had a losing record since 2012.  Needless to say, it was not a good time to be Keith Hernandez.

There's no way I would've let Roger Dorn get away with not diving for ground balls.

I was injured for most of my time in Cleveland.  Because of that, I only played in 45 games for the Indians, batting .200 with one HR and eight RBI.  You know it wasn't a good season when my Studious Metsimus editor reminded me that I had to write out my home run and RBI totals in words (one and eight) instead of numbers (1 and 8).  Needless to say, I retired after the 1990 season and went back home...

...which didn't last long.  In 1992, I appeared on Episode No. 34 of "Seinfeld".  The special one-hour episode, named "The Boyfriend", featured me trying to date Elaine Benes, but not being able to get past first base because I used to smoke back then.  Another subplot involved me being accused of spitting a magic loogie on Kramer and Newman, when in fact it was my former Met teammate, Roger McDowell, whose mouth shot the viscous projectile from the grassy knoll.

"That is one magic loogie."

My appearance on "Seinfeld" in 1992 and my subsequent cameo in the series finale in 1998 parlayed into several broadcasting appearances for the Mets.  When SNY debuted in 2006, I teamed up with former radio play-by-play man Gary Cohen and analyst/former teammate Ron Darling as the new broadcast team for the New York Mets.  My boothmates and I are also part of Gary, Keith and Ron, or GKR for short.  Together, we've raised money for our favorite charities, such as the Cobble Hill Health Center (for Alzheimer's care) and the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (hoping to find a cure for Type 1 diabetes).  In addition, we've also focused on helping victims of domestic abuse.  And for all you kids out there, there's nothing funny about domestic abuse.

Fans might know me for my baseball career.  Others might know me for my excellent acting on "Seinfeld".  Some of you might even know me for my Just For Men commercials with Walt "Clyde" Frazier.  Current Met fans certainly know me for my unabashed analysis on SNY telecasts of Mets games.  And in 2017, the rest of the country got reacquainted with me when I offered colorful commentary in the FOX Sports/FS1 studio for that network's pre-game and post-game shows during the postseason.  (I'm too busy playing with Hadji now to be doing that job again.)

Today, I'm the author of a memoir with a predictable title.  I'm also Hadji's agent and food provider, as well as a cool follow on Twitter.  (Nearly 104,000 tweetsters who follow @keithhernandez can't be wrong.)

I'm all of those people.  And although I'm a year older today, I'm still only 66 so I have plenty left to accomplish.  Maybe I'll mass produce my Mex Burgers.  You know, the ones that used to be sold at Citi Field before they took my burger stand away.  Or perhaps I'll go from flashing the leather to wearing it on a broadcast.  Hey, I might even create a fantasy league for Strat-O-Matic players.  (Why haven't I thought of that before?)  Who knows?  One thing is for sure.  No matter what job I have or what position I fill, I'll always be around.  Why wouldn't I be?  After all, I'm Keith Hernandez!

It's not easy being me, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Joey's Soapbox: My 2019 Not-At-All Biased LCS Picks

Please read my picks while I make a pit stop at Walgreens.  (Ed Leyro/Studious Metsimus)

What's good, kids?  This is Joey Beartran and we've reached baseball's final four.  And unfortunately, this year's pair of League Championship Series feature quite a few teams that I did not predict to advance this far.  In fact, the only team that did make it to the LCS as I foretold was the Houston Astros.

Batting .250 in the division series round means that I have some work to do to improve as a fearless forecaster.  But at least I can make myself feel better by saying I had a better chance of picking a winner in the last round than Hall of Famer and franchise legend Gary Carter had of collecting a base hit as a member of the New York Mets.  (He hit .249 while wearing the racing stripes and shooting Ivory Soap commercials.)

This year's National and American League Championship Series feature intriguing matchups.  In the Senior Circuit, we have the Washington Nationals, who are making their first NLCS appearance since moving to our nation's capital from Montreal and just the second final four appearance in the 51-year history of the Expos/Nationals franchise.  Their opponent, the St. Louis Cardinals, have appeared in 14 League Championship Series since the Expos/Nats last played in one.  The Redbirds are also making their 11th NLCS appearance in the last 24 seasons.

Moving over to the A.L., we have the New York Yankees, who are playing in their 1,000th League Championship Series in club history, according to what their fans say.  They'll be taking on the Houston Astros, a team which is appearing in its third consecutive ALCS.  This is also a rematch of the 2017 battle for the American League pennant, a series won by Houston in seven games.

Will the Cardinals win their 20th National League pennant or will the Nationals win their first?   Can Houston make its third World Series appearance of the 21st century and second in three seasons?  And how many times will Yankee fans remind us of their ringzzzzz?

You can either watch these four-plus hour contests that feature starters pitching in relief and 20,000 or so home runs (by coincidence, that's the same number of division titles the Yankees have, which must be true because I was assured of that fact by a long-time Yankee fan who said he knows everything about the team since he became a fan in 1996) or you can just read my predictions below while pondering just how many words I can fit in one sentence.  (Run-on sentence much?)

I'd take the "read my predictions" option if I were you.


National League Championship Series

Washington Nationals vs. St. Louis Cardinals

Although the Cardinals have home field advantage because they were a division champion, the Nationals actually finished with the better record (93-69, while the Cards were 91-71).  However, it was St. Louis that won the season series in this matchup, taking five of seven against Washington.

Nationals ace Max Scherzer was defeated twice by the Cardinals by identical 5-1 scores, while Washington's bats hit the snooze button in their regular season meetings with St. Louis, scoring just 17 runs in the seven games.

But that was a different Nationals team.  This group of Nats come back from two-run, eighth-inning deficits in wild card games instead of choking postseason advancement away as per the usual Washington script.  This group of Nationals erase two-games-to-one deficits in a best-of-five series and take future Hall of Fame pitchers deep on back-to-back pitches in the late innings of do-or-die games.  For everything this group of Washingtonians does now, there's one thing the team no longer does.

They don't pay Bryce Harper's salary.

These Nats don't choke.  (Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Harper's .211 lifetime postseason batting average in a Nationals uniform is long gone, as he is now helping the Philadelphia Phillies underachieve.  But you know who is in Washington?  Anthony Rendon and his .412 batting average and 1.219 OPS in the just-completed series against the Dodgers.  So is Juan Soto and his 1.020 OPS in the same series.

Basically, all the Nationals had to do was cut ties with the hair-flipping Papelbonian punching bag and they were destined to win a playoff series and perhaps two.

The Nationals won't win this series because the pitching firm of Scherzer, Strasburg and Corbin will keep the Cardinals' already low .245 batting average in check.  They also won't win because their relievers won't get the chance to blow leads if they're hardly ever used.  Nope.  All they need is the knowledge that Bryce Harper is busy playing golf and getting another one of his managers fired (the 2020 season will see Harper playing under his sixth different skipper in nine seasons) and that'll be enough to advance to the franchise's first World Series.

Prediction: Nationals in 7.


American League Championship Series

New York Yankees vs. Houston Astros

The Yankees can only win when they outslug you.  It's true.  When they scored five runs or fewer, their record was 31-53.  We're not talking about being 22 games under .500 when they score no more than two runs.  We're talking FIVE RUNS OR FEWER.  And even when they scored half a dozen runs or more, they still managed to lose six times.

Considering that New York will now be facing a dominant Houston pitching staff that held its opponents to four runs or fewer in 112 games (for all you kids out there, that's more than two-thirds of the games they played), it's going to be very difficult for the Yankees to keep up with the Astros.

Oh, and since we're on the topic of pitching, allow me to remind you that the Yankees allowed five runs or more in nearly half of their games (72 out of 162) and will now be facing an Astros lineup that averaged 5.7 runs per contest.

The Yankees have a great past.  But it's the Astros who have a great present and future.  And looking a week into the future, I see the Astros playing in the World Series.

Predictions: Astros in 6.

If S.I. says it, then it has to be true.  (courtesy Sports Illustrated)

Joey's Soapbox: My 2019 Not-At-All Biased Division Series Picks

Minnesota hit the target (the outfield seats) a major-league record 307 times.  (Ed Leyro/Studious Metsimus)

Hey, everyone!  This is Joey Beartran, and it's time to share my picks for the American and National League Division Series.  As usual, none of these picks will be biased because I'd lose all my credibility if they were.  You know, kinda like when the Wilpons lose their credibility as big-market owners every year during free agent signing season.

All my picks will be based as endless data that I've pored over for days.  I've considered pitching matchups, weather factors, if a stadium favors one team over another, and who's playing that team from the Bronx.  All of that information has led me to pick four winners who will compete in the League Championship Series.

Who will advance?  Will Minnesota do what no Twins team has done before in October against the Yankees?  Will the Nationals finally win a playoff series?  (Don't you dare say they just did.  They won the Wild Card Game, not the Wild Card Series.)  Will Houston have a problem against Tampa Bay?  And will I watch any games in the series featuring the last two teams to eliminate the Mets in the NLCS (Braves in 1999, Cardinals in 2006)?

The time has come for me to share my Division Series picks.


National League Division Series

St. Louis Cardinals vs. Atlanta Braves

I'm only picking the winner of this series because I have to, not because I want to.  Both teams have been a thorn in the Mets' side over the years, so I'm not particularly thrilled that one of them is going to play for the right to represent the National League in the World Series.  But I'm a professional, so I'll actually pick a team to win for a reason other than a meteor striking the other team's dugout, frying every player on the roster to a crisp and causing a forfeit.

The Cardinals made the playoffs as a division champion despite having the tenth-best record in the majors.  Their team batting average was only .245 and they had the fourth-fewest homers in the National League.  Their starting rotation is Jack Flaherty and the Mediocre Men.  If you want to argue that Dakota Hudson had a 16-7 record, I'll respond by pointing at his 1.41 WHIP.  Bring up Adam Wainwright and his Death-To-Beltran curveball and I'll show you his 4.19 ERA, 1.43 WHIP and .782 OPS against him.  Plus, Yadier Molina is playing in his 20th postseason series.  I've had enough of seeing him in October.

Meanwhile, Atlanta earned their trip to the playoff party, winning 97 games and graciously allowing the Mets to sweep them at the end of the season so that New York could finish ten games above .500.  Now that's southern hospitality right there.

Up, up and away. (Jim McIsaac/Getty Images) 

The Braves have Freddie Freeman, Ronald Acuña Jr, Ozzie Albies and Josh Donaldson leading the offense, while the rotation of Mike Soroka, Dallas Keuchel, Max Fried and Julio Teheran is among the best in the league.  But those players aren't why I'm leaning towards picking Atlanta.

#VoteMarkakis.  It was cool in 2013.  It's still cool now.  And Nick Markakis - who's advanced to the League Championship Series just once in his 14-year career - is going to make the Cardinals buckle before him.  You know, kinda like what Adam Wainwright did to that future Hall of Famer in 2006.

I'm voting Braves in this series.

Prediction: Braves in 4.


Washington Nationals vs. Los Angeles Dodgers

Let me begin by bringing up something I mentioned before.  The Nationals have never won a postseason series.  Ever.  They won the Wild Card GAME, not the Wild Card SERIES.  Plus, Wikipedia told me they haven't won a playoff series, and as we all know, if Wikipedia says so, then it must be true.

That being said, the Dodgers have too many weapons for Washington to handle.

Whatever.  (David Crane/LA Daily News)

Cody Bellinger led the Dodgers in hits, walks, home runs, RBI, runs scored, stolen bases and probably put on a vendor uniform and sold some Dodger Dogs between innings when no one was looking.  He's that talented.  And even when Bellinger had a rare bad night (like going 1-for-4 with a walk), his teammates were there to pick him up.  Joc Pederson and Max Muncy combined for 71 homers.  Corey Seager ripped 44 doubles and drove in 87 runs despite missing 28 games.  And Justin Turner was magically delicious as always, batting .290 and tying a career high with 27 homers.

The Nationals may have the three-headed pitching monster of Max Scherzer, Stephen Strasburg and Patrick Corbin, but it was the Dodgers who led the league in ERA and WHIP.  Los Angeles also allowed just 185 home runs, which was the fewest given up by any National League staff.

If that's not enough for you to figure out who I'm picking in this series, consider this.  In using Scherzer for five innings in the Wild Card Game (still not a series) and Strasburg for three frames, neither pitcher will be available to pitch in the first two games of the Division Series, with Scherzer due to start Game Three and Strasburg toiling in Game Four.

In 2012, the Nationals famously shut down Strasburg before he got a chance to pitch in the Division Series.  He's not pitching in this series either, but this time it'll be because the Dodgers are shutting down Strasburg's team.

Prediction: Dodgers in 3.


American League Division Series

Tampa Bay Rays vs. Houston Astros

The Rays are a great story.  On a budget that would make the Wilpons proud, they've managed to lead the American League in ERA and allowed the fewest long balls in the majors in a year when baseball went homer happy.  They've continued to use an "opener" instead of a starting pitcher to great success, which allowed Tampa to limit its starters' innings to keep their arms fresh.  (Only Charlie Morton worked more than 150 innings this season.)

On the offensive side, the Rays got an incredible year from Austin Meadows, who launched 33 homers in 138 games after hitting just six in 59 games prior to the 2019 campaign.  They also got Travis d'Arnaud to come out of his shell, as he finally reached his potential with the bat just months after he played his final game with the Mets.

As I said, the Rays have been a fantastic story in 2019.  But dude, they're playing the Houston Astros.  And no one is beating a team that has Justin Verlander, Gerrit Cole and Zack Greinke putting up zeroes and Jose Altuve, Alex Bregman and Yuli Gurriel blasting balls all over the field.  Oh, and let's not forget shortstop Carlos Correa, who's been injured for most of the season, but still managed to hit 21 homers and put up a .926 OPS in 75 games.  Correa is expected to be ready for Game One of the Division Series.

It was fun while it lasted, Tampa.  But the Astros are a team of destiny.

Prediction: Astros in 4.

Is Jose Altuve trying to give Cody Bellinger a run for his money as part-time All-Star, part-time hot dog vendor?

Minnesota Twins vs. New York Yankees

I'll make this one quick and painless.  The Yankees are 13-2 all-time against the Twins in the postseason.  But they've never faced a Minnesota team that can beat them at their own game.

The Yankees hit 306 home runs to shatter their major league home record, which was 267.  Except that the Twins hit 307 to erase the Yankees from the record book.

New York's starting pitchers don't miss bats, as evidenced by James Paxton's team-leading 186 strikeouts.  With Domingo German out for the postseason, no other Yankee on the postseason roster reached 150 Ks.  Pitching to contact against a team that makes powerful contact isn't a recipe for success for any team, no matter how many ringzzzzz they have.

By the time this series is over, the Yankees will have lost five postseason games to the Twins all-time.  Which will give them plenty of time to treat their necks for whiplash from watching all of Minnesota's home runs.

Prediction: Twins in 5.

Smile!  The Twins are finally going to (boom) stick it to the Yankees.  (Kim Klement/USA TODAY Sports)

Who's the Birthday Boy? It's Me, Keith Hernandez!

Hello, my friends.  I'm Keith Hernandez.  And today is a special day for me.  You see, today is my birthday.  That's right, all you kids out there.  I'm now 65 years old.

In honor of my 65th birthday, the cast and crew at Studious Metsimus asked me to give you a brief recap of my life.  To be honest with you, I've never heard of Studious Metsimus, but the offer of unlimited Tootsie Pops was too much to refuse.  Plus, they promised me there would be no traffic on the Long Island Expressway so I could make a quick getaway after writing this piece.  How could I pass that up?

Anyway, I was born in San Francisco on October 20, 1953.  Contrary to popular belief, I was not born with a mustache.  The picture you see below is one of my early photos.  Yes, the ladies loved me even then.  Can you blame them?  I mean, look at me!  I'm Keith Hernandez!

Unfortunately, I failed in my petition to get my own name on my Little League jersey.

After my days as a Little League Lothario were done, I was drafted in the 42nd round by the St. Louis Cardinals in 1971.  (Yes, I did go to high school between my Little League days and my high school graduation, but that was an awkward time for me, so I'd rather not talk about it.)  Clearly, the scouts back then were terrible judges of talent if they waited that long to draft me.  Unfortunately, I did nothing to earn that selection early on in my minor league career until I was promoted to Triple-A Tulsa in 1973, where I hit .333 and showed those other kids out there how a real baseball player was supposed to play the game.

In 1974, I hit .351 for Tulsa and was promoted to the big show on August 30 of that year against my hometown San Francisco Giants at Candlestick Park.  I reached base three times in my first big league game, drawing two walks before collecting my first big league hit and RBI in the ninth inning off Giants' starter Mike Caldwell.  Unfortunately, we lost that game 8-2, but I let it be known to my teammates and the rest of the league that I was here to stay.

Once I settled in to the big leagues, I made my presence felt in the clubhouse and on the field.  The Cardinals just had to keep me around.  Therefore, they traded incumbent first baseman Joe Torre to the Mets after the 1974 season (more on first basemen being traded to the Mets a little later ... after a few more paragraphs and my first Tootsie Pop).  I was a Cardinal now, and St. Louis was about to see what Keith Hernandez was all about.

It was in St. Louis that I let my trademark mustache grow.  The Gateway City was also where I earned my first Gold Glove in 1978 and my first MVP Award one year later.  (Okay, so it was a co-MVP award that I shared with Willie Stargell.  But in Strat-O-Matic, I kicked Willie's posterior.)  In addition, St. Louis was the place where I claimed my first batting title (also in 1979), my first World Series championship (1982), my first line of... umm ... baseball cards (yeah, that's the ticket) and my first comparison to adult film thespian Ron Jeremy.

If my brother Gary were in this collage, you'd have the original Gary, Keith and Ron.

If you ask me, I don't see the resemblance.   He looks more like Mike Piazza than he does me.  Also, my acting skills are far superior to his.  Was he on "Seinfeld"?  I don't think so.  That was me.  Why did they choose me over him?  Because I'm Keith Hernandez!

Anyway, less than eight months after bringing home St. Louis' first World Series championship since 1967, I experienced one of the saddest days of my life, or so it seemed at the time.  On June 15, 1983, I was traded from the defending world champion Cardinals to the perennial cellar dweller New York Mets.  Shockingly, I wasn't even traded for future Hall of Famers.  I was shipped off to the Mets for Neil Allen, Rick Ownbey (who also celebrates a birthday with me today, but he's four years my junior) and a half-empty box of Tender Vittles.  Even my beloved cat, Hadji, wouldn't be impressed with that transaction.

It was already an insult to me that I was traded to the team known as "Pond Scum" and the "Stems" in St. Louis.  But come on!  Couldn't the Mets have offered some 9 Lives to the Cardinals instead of Tender Vittles?  After all, Morris the Cat was all the rage back then.  I mean, he was the O.G.  (Original Grumpy cat).   I would have accepted a trade for Allen, Ownbey and 9 Lives, not Allen, Ownbey and half-eaten Tender Vittles.  Sheesh!

I guess since the Cardinals already had the Clydesdale Horses, they didn't need another animal in the barn.

Anyway, the Mets didn't do too well after I got traded there.  We finished 68-94 in 1983, but showed some signs of life.  Old punching buddy Darryl Strawberry came up in May and future broadcast colleague R.J. (that's Ron Darling for all you casual Mets fans out there) was called up when rosters expanded in September.

Big Brother didn't come around in 1984 like he was supposed to, but we had our own little Animal Farm at Shea Stadium.  Top pitching prospect Dwight Gooden was called up in 1984 and Davey Johnson became the new Mets manager.  The team responded by going 90-72 and giving the Cubs all they could handle in the N.L. East.  As a result, I was no longer saddened by my trade to New York and only occasionally did I wonder if Whitey Herzog had finished what was left over in the box of Tender Vittles.

After falling short in the N.L. East race again in 1985, we put it all together in 1986.  That was the year I won my second World Series championship and helped bring the first title to Flushing since the Miracle Mets did the same in 1969.  I also paired up with another Ronnie after bringing the trophy home in 1986. 

What?  No Gary?  Fine.  Then we'll just have to make do with Keith and Ron instead.

Just as my tenure with the Mets was coming to an end, I decided I should give acting a try.  I wasn't planning on telling you this, but the Tootsie Pop dangling in front of my face has convinced me to do so.

Did you know that "Seinfeld" was not my first attempt at acting?  Before TV immortality, I wanted to be a movie star.  My time with former actor Ronald Reagan in the White House showed me that if he could be President and a movie star, then I could be a baseball legend and a matinee idol as well, so it was off to Hollywood for me.

I first gave acting a shot when I auditioned for the movie "Major League".  However, it ended up being a bad dream and instead of playing for the Cleveland Indians in the film alongside noted actors Charlie Sheen, Corbin Bernsen, Dennis Haysbert and Wesley Snipes, I ended up playing for the REAL Cleveland Indians, who were not nearly as talented as their counterparts from this past season.  You know, the team that won an A.L. record 22 consecutive games en route to a second straight A.L. Central title.  Needless to say, it was not a good time to be Keith Hernandez.

There's no way I would've let Roger Dorn get away with not diving for ground balls.

I was injured for most of my time in Cleveland.  Because of that, I only played in 45 games for the Indians, batting .200 with one HR and eight RBI.  You know it wasn't a good season when my Studious Metsimus editor reminded me that I had to write out my home run and RBI totals in words (one and eight) instead of numbers (1 and 8).  Needless to say, I retired after the 1990 season and went back home...

...which didn't last long.  In 1992, I appeared on Episode No. 34 of "Seinfeld".  The special one-hour episode, named "The Boyfriend", featured me trying to date Elaine Benes, but not being able to get past first base because I used to smoke back then.  Another subplot involved me being accused of spitting a magic loogie on Kramer and Newman, when in fact it was my former Met teammate, Roger McDowell, whose mouth shot the viscous projectile from the grassy knoll.

"That is one magic loogie."

My appearance on "Seinfeld" in 1992 and my subsequent cameo in the series finale in 1998 parlayed into several broadcasting appearances for the Mets.  When SNY debuted in 2006, I teamed up with former radio play-by-play man Gary Cohen and analyst/former teammate Ron Darling as the new broadcast team for the New York Mets.  My boothmates and I are also part of Gary, Keith and Ron, or GKR for short.  Together, we've raised money for our favorite charities, such as the Cobble Hill Health Center (for Alzheimer's care) and the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (hoping to find a cure for Type 1 diabetes).  In addition, we've also focused on helping victims of domestic abuse.  And for all you kids out there, there's nothing funny about domestic abuse.

Fans might know me for my baseball career.  Others might know me for my excellent acting on "Seinfeld".  Some of you might even know me for my Just For Men commercials with Walt "Clyde" Frazier.  Current Met fans certainly know me for my unabashed analysis on SNY telecasts of Mets games.  And in 2017, the rest of the country got reacquainted with me when I offered colorful commentary in the FOX Sports/FS1 studio for that network's pre-game and post-game shows during the postseason.

Today, I'm the author of a memoir with a predictable title.  I'm also Hadji's agent and food provider, as well as a cool follow on Twitter.  (Nearly 84,000 tweetsters who follow @keithhernandez can't be wrong.)

I'm all of those people.  And although I'm a year older today, I'm still only 65 so I have plenty left to accomplish.  Maybe I'll mass produce my Mex Burgers.  Or perhaps I'll go from flashing the leather to wearing it on a broadcast.  Hey, I might even create a fantasy league for Strat-O-Matic players.  (Why haven't I thought of that before?)  Who knows?  One thing is for sure.  No matter what job I have or what position I fill, I'll always be around.  Why wouldn't I be?  After all, I'm Keith Hernandez!

It's not easy being me, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Joey's World Tour: Missouri Madness (Part I - Busch-whacked in St. Louis)

Meet me in St. Louis, preferably in front of the home plate entrance.  (Photo by Ed Leyro/Studious Metsimus)

Greetings, baseball and travel enthusiasts.  I'm Joey Beartran, your favorite roving reporter/culinary expert for Studious Metsimus.  Recently, I had the pleasure of visiting Missouri, which is the home of two Major League Baseball teams.  Unfortunately, both of those Show-Me State squads have caused great suffering to Mets fans, as they each contributed to two of the team's most heartbreaking postseason defeats in the 21st century.

As much as I can never root for the St. Louis Cardinals and Kansas City Royals because of what they did to the Mets in 2006 and 2015, respectively, I can put aside my differences with the teams for just a moment to discuss their cities, ballparks and cuisine, which I will do in this two-part installment of Joey's World Tour.  (You can read the second part by clicking here.)  We begin in the Gateway to the West, St. Louis.

After taking two out of three games against the Cardinals at Citi Field to open the season, the Mets appeared to be on their way to winning another series when they traveled to St. Louis and took the opening game, 6-5 in 10 innings.  The Studious Metsimus staff and I didn't attend that thrilling contest, but we did have tickets to the final two games of the series.  So how did the Mets reward us for traveling halfway across the country to see them finish the job against their hated rivals?

They got blown out in the first game we attended, then dropped a 13-inning heartbreaker in the series finale.  Thanks for nothing, guys!

The games might not have been anything to write home about (or devote more than two sentences about in a blog post), but Busch Stadium and the immediate vicinity around the ballpark were something else.

Behind me is a village within the city, all devoted to food, fun and baseball.  (EL/SM)

Directly behind the left field fence is Ballpark Village, which is a complex that houses several eateries and bars.  From Drunken Fish (sushi) to El Birdos Cantina (Tex-Mex) to the Fudgery (you figure it out), dinner and dessert can all be had a hop, skip and a jump away from the ballpark.  For those who like entertainment with their food and drink, there's the Budweiser Brew House, which is three stories of adult beverages, dancing and live entertainment.  And if you like sports, there's FOX Sports Midwest Live!, which is 20,000 square feet of sports, sports and more sports.  There's also a stage for concerts and a VIP area for people like me.

I didn't visit any of those places, mainly because I had two Mets losses to attend.  But I did enter the Ballpark Village complex for one other thing; the Cardinals Hall of Fame and Museum.  And what an experience that was!

The floor design as you exit the elevator to the Cardinals Hall of Fame and Museum (EL/SM)

The first thing you see (besides what's in the photo above) is the wall of Hall of Fame plaques.  Similar to the Mets Hall of Fame, each player given the highest individual honor by the Cardinals has a plaque mounted on a wall, depicting his career highlights.

To the left of these plaques are the players who will be inducted this year.  For 2018, those players are Pepper Martin, Mark McGwire and former Mets broadcaster Tim McCarver.  In addition to their own plaques, each new inductee has a display booth featuring the jerseys they wore and other memorabilia from their career with the Cardinals.

Lots of red in the Cardinals Hall of Fame.  And lots of legends as well.  (EL/SM)

In addition to celebrating their best players, the Cardinals are also proud of their ballparks.  There is a room dedicated to the previous Busch Stadium, complete with a model of the ballpark St. Louis called home from 1966 to 2005 and one of the dugout benches from the dearly departed venue.

The Cardinals also haven't forgotten the other team that used to call St. Louis home.  Until they moved to Baltimore for the 1954 season, the St. Louis Browns shared the city with the Cards.  And in 1944, the two teams squared off in the Street Car Series, which was the first (and only) World Series featuring both teams from the Gateway City.  A display in the museum proudly remembers that Fall Classic, which was won the town's National League squad.

Speaking of the Browns, probably my favorite artifact in the museum was the actual jersey worn by Eddie Gaedel, the 3-foot, 7-inch "athlete" signed by owner Bill Veeck as a publicity stunt.  Wearing the number 1/8 on the back of his uniform, Gaedel walked in his only plate appearance for the Browns in 1951.  Why is it my favorite item in the Cardinals Hall of Fame and Museum?  Because it's the only uniform that would probably fit me!

Actually, Eddie Gaedel's uniform still looks too big for me.  That's okay.  I'm still growing.  (Photos by EL/SM)

So now you know my favorite display in the museum.  What was my least favorite?  That's easy.  It was the display on the 2006 Cardinals, also known as the team that took the pennant away from the Mets at Shea Stadium.

Featured in the disgusting display of devastating disappointment was the World Series trophy, a World Series ticket, the championship ring won by the victorious Cardinals and one game-used bat and jersey.  But it's not just any bat/jersey combo.  It's the lumber that was wielded by Yadier Molina along with the threads he wore when he hit his infamous home run off Aaron Heilman in the ninth inning of Game Seven of the National League Championship Series.

It's like they knew we were coming and wanted to pour more salt in the 12-year-old wound.

But I wasn't that bad of a sport.  In fact, the next people to enter the room got a clear view of the 2006 display, mainly because they saw it all under a full moon of my creation.

Is that a championship banner or bear-sized toilet paper?  I vote for the latter.  (EL/SM)

I almost felt like I was walking through a maze in the Cardinals Hall of Fame and Museum.  There was a room dedicated to the legendary Stan Musial.  Then there was one dedicated to the great 1980s teams that won three pennants and one World Series title.  From there, it was on to an area devoted to the great managers in club history.  There was also a timeline with all the uniforms the Cardinals have worn over the years (complete with a photo of Keith Hernandez), including the sweet powder blue jerseys from the '70s and '80s.

But wait, there's more!

There were Cardinals bobbleheads, a model of the new Busch Stadium and a beautiful photo of the construction of the new park with the old stadium still standing.  For some reason, they also had the World Baseball Classic trophy on display.  And there was probably a kitchen sink somewhere in there as well.

But just when you thought the Cardinals couldn't fit anything else inside their museum, they did.  I'm talking about an area dedicated to ex-Met and former teenage shortstop sensation Jose Oquendo.  That's not hyperbole.  The Oquendo space actually exists.

Makes me wonder why there's no Rey Ordoñez jersey in the Mets Hall of Fame and Museum (EL/SM)

If you look at the photo of the construction of the new Busch Stadium, you'll notice that the left field area of the new park overlapped part of the old Busch.  That part of the old ballpark is marked in two places at the new stadium.

In the field level concourse behind the left field foul pole is a painted white line, which is the exact spot while the right field foul line used to be at old Busch Stadium.  Then, on the sidewalk outside the new stadium in the Ballpark Village is a green and yellow line.  That represents the spot where the outfield wall at old Busch used to be.

Howard Johnson took Todd Worrell deep here.  Great memories from before my time.  (EL/SM)

Now that we're talking about the stadium, why not show you what's good there?  The ballpark itself is lovely, with Cardinal red seats on every level.  And if that's not enough red for you, the ballpark is made of red bricks, with small cardinals above every entrance and a pretty big cardinal walking around the ballpark insulting Mets fans in attendance.

Oh, wait.  That was Fredbird, the team's mascot.  And he tried to obscure my colleagues' Mets caps and jerseys when we met him.

My colleagues seemed to enjoy this photo op.  I, on the other hand, wanted to pluck Fredbird's feathers.  (EL/SM)

But seriously, there's red EVERYWHERE.  The ballpark is also decorated with pennants, retired numbers, statues of the greatest players to don the Cardinal red, an homage to a legendary broadcaster, large bricks that detail great moments in Cardinals history (including Steve Carlton's 19-strikeout loss to the Mets in 1969) and a scoreboard that's topped by reminders of each of the Cardinals' World Series championships - all 11 of them.  And the scoreboard on the field isn't the only one in the ballpark.  Located in the field level concourse is the old hand-operated scoreboard from the old Busch Stadium.

I have to say, the ballpark is quite photogenic.

Sweet view, right?  (EL?SM)

Busch Stadium offers beautiful views of the city if you're lucky enough to snag a seat behind home plate, like I did in the above photo.  And speaking of plates, many of the food options at the ballpark are served in containers that are shaped like home plate.  But unlike other ballparks that have unique food options, the fare at Busch Stadium is mostly what you would expect at a minor league ballpark.  You have the basic ballpark cuisine and not much else.  But they did have tater tots, which is always a plus for me.

I also had another potato product, but that was absolutely awful.  It was a potato knish and it pretty much looked like a bread bowl; a very dry flavorless bread bowl with nothing in it.  Don't just take my word for it.  Have a look for yourself.

At least the tater tots were edible.  And that's not saying much.  (EL/SM)

Thinking of how disappointed I was in the food, the fact the Mets lost both games we attended, the stress-inducing artifacts in the Cardinals Hall of Fame and Museum and the fact that I couldn't convince Fredbird to wear more orange and blue made me glad this was only the first stop in our tour of the two Missouri ballparks.  Surely, Kauffman Stadium in Kansas City had to be better by default.  (Spoiler alert: It was soooooo much better.)

So that's all for the first part of my recap of the two Show-Me State stadiums.  Remember to click here to read about my adventures in Kansas City and also remember to bring your own food into Busch Stadium the next time you visit the park.  Unlike Aaron Heilman's pitch to Yadier Molina, you won't regret that decision.

I regret attending these two losses by the Mets.  (EL/SM)

For previous installments of Joey's World Tour, please click on the links below, where you will be entertained by Joey's wit, photos and love of ballpark cuisine:

World Tour Stop #1: Baltimore
World Tour Stop #2: Washington, DC
World Tour Stop #3: Pittsburgh
World Tour Stop #4: Texas
World Tour Stop #5: Los Angeles
World Tour Stop #6: San Diego
World Tour Stop #7: Toronto
World Tour Stop #8: Chicago (NL)
World Tour Stop #9: Milwaukee
World Tour Stop #10: Seattle
World Tour Stop #11: Cleveland
World Tour Stop #12: Brooklyn (Ebbets Field site) and Manhattan (Polo Grounds site)
World Tour Stop #13: Baltimore (again) and Pittsburgh (part deux)
World Tour Stop #14: Cincinnati
World Tour Stop #15: Colorado
World Tour Stop #16: Cooperstown (Baseball Hall of Fame)
World Tour Stop #17: Detroit
World Tour Stop #18: Atlanta
World Tour Stop #19: Miami