Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Ask Professeur Bay To Learn English, Canadian Style!

During Shea Stadium's last years, fans in attendance were treated to Jose Reyes attempting to teach them Spanish through his clever "Ask Professor Reyes" segments that were seen on DiamondVision between innings.

Once Reyes left the Mets lineup in 2009 due to his injury, Professor Reyes also waved goodbye. So who will teach the fans a foreign language in 2010? How about native Canadian Jason Bay?

If you've ever had a conversation with a Canadian, you've probably noticed that certain words don't sound the same to our American ears. All you have to do is listen to the songs of Anne Murray or Celine Dion to know that Canadian crap sounds different than American crap.

Studious Metsimus has decided to administer the oath to Jason Bay so that he can teach you the proper way to speak like a Canadian. Once he finishes taking his oath to be our new professor, he'll be ready to begin class. My Studious Metsimus colleague, Joey, will be Professeur Bay's first student.

Greetings, class! I'm Professeur Bay. Our first word today will be "about". Please repeat the following sentence.
"When I report to Citi Field, I will be the first person to be out and about on the playing field."

When I report to Citi Field, I will be the first person to be oot and aboot on the playing field.

Um, no. Let's move on to the next word. The next word is "sorry".
"I'm sorry that the Mets organization had so many injuries that kept them out of contention."

I'm sawry that the Mets organ-eye-zation had so many injuries that kept them oot of contention.

Now it sounds like you're making fun of me. Please don't take advantage of the fact that Canadians are painfully polite. It's very rude. Anyway, before we continue, I have a question for you. Do you like Popeye, the cartoon character?

Of course! Who doesn't like Popeye? But my favorite character is Wimpy. He's always eating burgers. I wish I could eat burgers all the time!

Oh, you like Wimpy. Okay. Do you remember what Wimpy would always say when he wanted burgers and was about to pay for them?

Of course I remember. But I get the feeling you're going to tell me anyway.

Give that bear a high five! Okay, here's your last word. I'll use it in that sentence Wimpy would say. Ready?

Grumble, grumble...

The word is "Tuesday".
"I'll gladly pay you a loony next Tuesday for a burger today."

What's a loony?

Sigh. It's what we call a dollar.

So why didn't you just call it that? And can I get some fries with that burger? Maybe add a little cheese and gravy on those fries?

You mean poutine?

Jigga what?

POUTINE!! That's what we call those fries you're looking for.

You know what? You're not supposed to eat in class anyway. Just say the sentence, eh?

I'll gladly pay you a loony next Tooz-dee for a burger today. But I'm not saying poo-tin, eh? Especially when all I want are fries with gravy and cheese.

Forget this gig! I'm leaving! Class dismissed!

Was it something I said? Should I have asked for Kraft Dinner instead?

This concludes our first and final installment of Ask Professeur Bay. If this got under Jason's skin, imagine what the New York media will do to him.

Oh, well. We can always persuade Jose Reyes back into the professor's chair. He's supposed to be healthy enough to teach, right? Well? Is he? Ay, caramba!

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