Thursday, October 29, 2009

Studious Metsimus Exclusive: Pedro Martinez Joins Bloods

Throughout the years, Pedro Martinez has made it quite clear that he is not fond of the Yankees. His hatred of the Evil Empire runs through his veins. Now he has taken his venom to a new level. That's right, my loyal SMFs. Pedro Martinez has gone gangsta.

But we're not talking about Jerry Manuel gangsta (that's gangsta-lite). We're talking about the real deal here. As this exclusive photo shows you, Pedro Martinez has now joined the Bloods.

This was not an unexpected move. In 2001, while a member of the Red Sox, Petey Daddy (as he's known on the streets) asked the media if they could wake up the Bambino (Babe Ruth) so he could drill him in the ass.

Two years later during the 2003 ALCS, Petey Daddy was involved in a bench-clearing incident with the Yankees. After teammate Manny Ramirez showed his displeasure at an inside pitch that he believed was an attempt at headhunting, Mr. Daddy decided to do a little headhunting of his own after Yankee bench coach Don Zimmer charged at him during the fracas.

Petey Daddy's act of violence might have served as a precursor to becoming a Blood, but his actions did serve to expose Zimmer in a new light.

During the post-game press conference after Fight Night at Fenway was over, it was revealed that the term "Evil Empire" was quite appropriate to describe the Yankees. When Zimmer came up to the podium, he confessed to the media that he was really Darth Vader. Being the elder statesman on the Yankees, that made him Pedro's father. Hence, the "Who's your Daddy?" chants at Yankee Stadium.

Petey Daddy is now a member of the Phillies and he's facing the Yankees in the World Series for the first time. Although he is now a few years older, his affiliation with the Bloods means that his "family" will have his back on the field in case he encounters difficulties on the mound.

If Alex Rodriguez dares to get a base hit off Petey Daddy, Kate Hudson will be "taken care of". If A.J. Burnett is seen running around with shaving cream pies, Petey's brothers will give A.J. their own version of a close shave.

The only problem Petey Daddy might encounter could be internal. In another exclusive photo, it appears as if Ryan Howard has affiliated himself with Snoop Dogg. Although that is not reason enough to cause a feud in the clubhouse, the Doggfather was once a member of the Crips, a.k.a. the Bloods' sworn enemies.

Could Ryan Howard and his "connections" be the ones who could stop Petey Daddy from bringing down the Evil Empire? Perhaps. But I wouldn't count on it. The power of Petey might be too much for the Yankees to handle.

Be afraid, Yankees. Be very afraid. Once upon a time, Petey Daddy claimed to want the Babe exhumed so he could drill him in the ass. Now he's probably prepared to bust a cap in his ass as well.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

excellent. Pedro is one hot mess, always has been.